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March New Moon Energy

Happy new Moon!! This cycle we are moving into awareness and evaluation of our relationships. Fun, fun, fun! This includes romantic relationships, friendships, work partnerships and family relationships .

It feels heavy and mucky and there’s a lot of unknown elements. For myself, my hubby and I have hit a rough patch. A boulder has crossed our path and we are a bit stuck at it. We’ve been going to counselling to sort out the layers of rubble that created the boulder and it’s not easy or fun. But it’s necessary for our union and mostly for our own individual growth.

He’s mirroring to me some dark spots and unhealed pockets I need to explore…own and heal. And I am doing the same for him. If we do not let ourselves stand in the flames of vulnerability, it’s easy to get defensive and deny or even blame the other. It’s raw and naked and scary as bleep!

But this is big big healing we (all of us ) are being asked to do and release. It is clearing away of the armour and guards of love that we have used as protection since the eons of time … but now the universe in Her glory asks us to surrender it down and move more fully into the radiant realms of love and trust.

It will not be an easy path but keep vision on the course. Ask yourself over and over…

What would love say ???

What would love do???

What would love think????

Truth be told, some relationships will disintegrate and dissolve into dust because the healing that is being asked of us is soul deep and some won’t be ready. And as hard as it will be, it will be ok. Just be in each moment of unknown on step at a time.

Maybe we’ve carried these fears for lifetimes or since childhood or since our last betrayal… but it is heavy and deep and the work is immense but I guarantee you, it will be life changing. It will change every aspect of how you experience your life. You will move into a deep trust and peace. This will shift so much into the world.

Try and trust and stay in the belief that healing will happen it whatever forms our binds take. Pray, envision, believe, speak, imagine and feel the universe caressing your heart as you walk the path of a healing soldier. Imagine what the healing will be and feel like and see it occur. Who’s there? What are you doing? How are things different ? How have things changed ?

On this new moon, take some time and honour this deep and humble healing time.

I honour you and your journey . And so it is ❤️.

Crystal

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How my Old Marriage Showed up as Plantar Fasciitis in my Feet.

bodyhealingFunny things happen to your body post baby.  I was seven years younger last time and this time it’s definitely harder to rebound back.   I hurt more, I’m slower paced, crickedy in the ole’ bones.

In mind/body therapy, the body is seen as a sacred messenger, a literal expression of internal emotions, memories, un-recognized feelings, soul needs or patterns of old ways of doing life that have resulted in injury.

My problem has been in my feet, mostly my left foot. I can barely walk some mornings. Such as strange thing for me. I know pregnancy ignited the ligament issues but my Lordess, do they hurt like never before.

The podiatrist says it’s tendinitis and Plantar Fasciitis. Oye.  For me my pain radiates from the bottom of the outside of my foot up to my ankle, almost as though the tendon is just so tight, it literally can’t stretch as far as it needs to.

So what are my wise old feet trying to tell me? As I close my eyes and sit with them, they tell me I’m still getting my footing and bearings with our new family circle and the shifts required in that.  The memories of my old life that got pulled out from under my feet the last time I had a baby, lingers in the cells of my precious feet.  They feel cautious, uncertain if they can securely lay roots and ground.  They wonder if it will be safe based on the memories of my ex-husband’s infidelity and the loss of everything I had last time my other baby was born.   This translates into me over-doing everything, trying to be a good wife and mom so that my husband won’t leave (even though I know he won’t cause he’s a good man this hubby).  I take little time for myself to try and ensure he’s coping okay and won’t bail on me like my first husband but this old outdated, wounded belief is showing up in the ligaments of my feet.  I’m exhausted, depleted, over-stretched, tired of serving everyone else but myself.  I need to balance the scales…and my feet!

 In her book The Secret Language of Your Body, Inna Segal lists some contributing factors with foot issues as…

  • feeling stuck, bogged down, obligated to others, missing the big picture.

In particular she gives special attention to each foot.  The left foot in as in my case reads (pg.42)

“Disconnected from your needs.  Too much focus on the outside world and what you need to do for others….Dragging pain from the past or from difficult relationships.  An imbalance between giving and receiving.  “

The ankle (left) (pg.13)

“Difficulty tuning in to yourself and listening to your own counsel. Belief that you have to be a slave to others, especially your children, your partner or your work.  Not spending enough time nurturing yourself and discovering what is important to you.”

Holy bananas…right?!

So if anything, my feet…my wise crickedy body – is saying that in order for me to find my footing again I must create more space for me in my own life.  I must tend to my own needs alongside the needs of others.  I need to carve out me time, fun time, creative time.  I also need to let go of the old memories from the last marriage that have lingered into my new life.

In shamanism, illness occurs when we have somehow lost our sense of power and connection to the Universe and I must admit this is true for me.  The trauma of the dissolution of my last marriage that resulted in me losing my house, my dogs, my marriage, and my security, all with a new baby in tote…has put me in a role of servant out of fear.  I fear I will be abandoned again (only a small part of me, but I guess deep down the fear is seeping in my tissues). So here I go listing my most radical fears to get it out of my body…

-I fear if I am not everything perfect, perfect mom, wife, perfect body, he will leave and find someone else.

-If I don’t hold most of the load he will feel overwhelmed and leave because he won’t be able to handle it,

-I can sacrifice more, I’m stronger that way, I can suffer more and bear it than him, this way he won’t leave.

Those are the fears that live at the root of my actions to put myself last.  They come from my first marriage, from a partner that was never enough and that was our relationship contract.  I gave and gave and he took.  I need to surrender these memories, these old ways of balance in parenting and plant them in the soil to decompose and turn into something new.  I will literally do this, list them and plant them in the soil to rest.  Maybe on rocks, maybe on paper.

To be in my power is to know that I can connect to my needs, express them, tend to them, do what I need in balance of the needs of others. I need not sacrifice myself to receive and maintain love and if so, it is not really love, nor a healthy relationship.  New cellular beliefs…

Both parents and spouses have the responsibility to equally hold their share.

-I can ask for what I need and allow myself to go out and get it or to receive it.

-I don’t have to be perfect, I can have failures and still be loveable and loved.

-I can express and meet my own needs which means letting my husband hold the fort and me taking a break from it.

I ask my guide for some further direction and she says, “There’s a letting go here that must occur, a softening,  a release, a surrendering of the fearful memories and paralyzing fear. Soften into your power and stand tall no matter what.  Meet your needs first no matter what and all else, including your foot and alignment will fall into place.  You will be loved, you are love.”

Isn’t the body amazing?  What a journey that was.

So if you want to understand your own body’s magic wisdom here are a few steps.

  1. Close your eyes and take a few breaths, allow yourself to move into relaxation and calmness.
  2. Move your attention to the place in your body that is giving you some pain or struggle.  List words, feelings, sensations that come to find as you move your attention there.  Literally write them down or doodle images that come to mind.
  3. Imagine that part of your body became an alive person, and ask it some questions…what are you feeling? What are you trying to tell me through the pain? What are you needing? How can I offer you some relief and healing?
  4. Imagine a loving, healing, supportive guide come and place their healing energy onto the place of discomfort in your body.  Ask this guide to tell you what would help for further and deeper healing.

 

And so it is my friends.

If you feel called, I’d love it if you FOLLOWED THE BLOG of the Women’s Tribe Facebook Page.  

 

Full Moon, healing, meditation, Uncategorized, womens health

April Full Moon- A Healing Inner Journey Ritual

fullmoonaprilOkay, here it is on a silver platter…my triggers, my wounds, my scabs and scars.  This full moon is shining her light upon them.  We are being called to heal, to dig deeper, to follow the pain to it’s root.

And this is mine…I hate it when I don’t feel heard.  I hate feeling like someone is trying to dominate or control me.  I want to shriek to the mountain tops and yell, just fricken listen to me!  Hear me, respect me and honor my perspective.  This is an eon old wound for many of us, one that has likely been passed from generation to generation.  We have been silenced by dominance, by fear, by control.  And we are now finding our power but with this awakening is the transcending of the old wounds.

I was used to surrendering my power and my voice, it was my pattern. Now, it has shifted to me being overly on guard, protective and at times demanding when my wound is cracked open…sad but humbly true. I’m reactive in the guts and blood of my hurt and I want control while I’m in the battle ground of the old painful memories.  I have sadly at times become dominant and controlling in the face of feeling unheard.

I’m so afraid of falling back to powerlessness and voicelessness I swing to the other side of the tracks and exert defensiveness, doubt and assume the worst possible outcome in a situation or about another.  This happens after trauma. You feel like everything is un-safe at first until slowly but surely, you have moments of safety and trust again.  Yet the memory, the pain of  betrayal and of hurt lurks underneath taunting your belief structures….”Assume the worst…protect yourself…assume they will fail or hurt you…be cautious…”

Here’s the deal, I used to surrender all my needs and wants in my relationships timidly and passively and I got very burned in my last marriage (that ended).  As a protective response I have been so focused on my needs and wants completely so they would not fall to the wayside once again that I have kept on my protective metal suit out of fear.  It has become my patterned response out of the memory of being so broken and hurt.  I armor up in situations that don’t need armoring, rather than be a sharer of power.  I placed myself first (which is lovely) but can border on selfish and inappropriate in a union.  There are two people’s needs in relationships, not just one.  It’s a balance of compromise, compassion, kindness, and understanding. I have wanted all of that myself and I have not always offered it.  I was victimizing myself when I wasn’t being victimized, only remembering the memories of my timid stance and ways in old relationships as a result have acted dominant. (not always but sometimes, when the button is really hit).

There sure are power battles in my relationship and I think we are finding a way to both feel like we have a sense of power together, in union.  Sometimes I will lead and other times I will let him lead.  This is hard for me…to let him lead.  It doesn’t always have to go my way, I don’t have to go take the reins all the time.  I can trust.

This is the essence of this Full Moon.  It is summoning up the wounds, the core, the muck at the root so we can really, really heal.  The loss of my voice, the silencing of my voice, the lack of use of my voice…these are my issues.  This moon is calling us to explore our sense of personal power and how that translates in our lives…and in our relationships.

It’s time to apply the balmy healing salve to heal it once and for all.

I have been reactive in my triggers in the last few months and since the New Moon I am more focused on witnessing and responding.  I am seeing the other and offering them what I need and want in the moment…to be heard. I’m offering kindness and respect rather than rage and even though things are emerging, they are not exploding like little hand-bombs in my everyday life.

So on this full Moon I invite you to take a step back and witness the chaos. As Lynn Andrews says, “stand in the eye of the storm and let it swirl around you while you stay rooted up against a tree.”  Things are changing, swirling, moving and we are asked to stand in the storm and allow it.  There is healing in change, in the swirls, in the upheaval that can emerge when we open the can of woundedness.  Allow it in…trust in the path and the Great Mother herself.

FULL MOON INNER JOURNEY RITUAL full moon journey

Spark up those candles and incense, take a few deep breaths and float into the dream world.

Imagine you are in a safe, calm, peaceful place, whatever that is for you..  Go with whatever comes up first.  I want to imagine that a wise and loving presence is walking towards you.   What do you see?  Who is this presence? Do they have a name?  What do they look like or what are some unique features about this presence.

They take a seat beside you and you notice too that the wounded part of yourself is there too. What do you notice about this part of you?

Ask the wise and loving presence how you can help your wounded self heal and clear old worn out fearful ways of living.

What old belief structures need healing and releasing?

What if love enveloped you and you felt safe and cared for, supported?  How would your wounded self feel and think differently?

Journal your about your journey inwards and enjoy the healing benefits of wisdom and love.

Feel your feet on your floor or ground, blow out your candles and bring your hands to your own heart in gratitude and self-love.

Aho!

Here’s my journey:

My wise and loving presence is an old Native woman who I have worked with before in my dreams.  I see my wounded self in head to toe body armor like a tin soldier and yet underneath the armor I know there is a wise and growing woman.  What do I do to help heal this part of me I ask my grandmother presence?

“Take off her armor,” she says.

It feels raw and vulnerable as I remove the metal shields.  Now what I ask?  How can I help her feel stronger and transcend the past?

I see her implanting healing crystals all over my wounded self’s body where I feel weakened and fearful.   She wraps me in scarves and says, this is gentler than metal armor.  Love can still come in.

I can feel my heart still has a hole…a weak spot.  She puts her hand over my chest and I can feel warmth.

“Time will help.  New experiences will help. What is the belief here?” she asks me as she continues to feel my heart energy.

I’m so afraid to go through such loss again, I’m not sure I’d make it this time.

“Are you willing to lose out on life just in case you might have more loss? My sweet girl, there will always be loss but there is also a lot of good life. If you keep the armor on you will create your own loss.  You will lose love anyways.”

I’m so afraid for things to fall apart again after I have finally just rebuilt them.  What if something happens to my baby?  What if my marriage crumbles?  What if I’m unable to return to work…what if, what if,what if??????

“Take a breath sweet girl,” she says.  Fear has enveloped you. What if love enveloped you?  What would you think, see and feel?”

I’d see the wonder and amazing blessings I have in my life, I’d be focused on this and not the potential of loss.  I’d be ecstatic that I’m having a baby, and allow in my excitement rather than shut it down.  I’d enjoy the blissful moments of my marriage more often, in fact I’d probably create them more often.  I’d see the sunshine and the grass growing and my beautiful, cozy, safe home.  I’d feel how blessed I am and full my heart is rather than an empty fear.  I’d be joyous.

“So let the scarves of love envelop you each morning and inhale the joy and wonder in your life,” she says.

She kisses my forehead and tells me to call upon her anytime.

And so it is!!!

Much love

xo

Crystal

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Photo 1 – tealhealing.blogspot.com

phote 2 – white wolf journeys. com

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June New Moon Energies – Fresh & Focused.

Happy New Moon (One day late lol, good thing it lasts 3 days)focus

This new moon feels fresh, like a new beginning, a new chance, a fresh outlook.  Now that Mercury  is done its’ retrograde, we feel more clear on what to do and where to go.  Our souls wishes are more developed, heightened, calling for action.

During the retrograde I questioned a decision I had made about a new step, a new path, a new course of action.  I had wondered if maybe it were the wrong one and I should abandon it, so I sat with the question and pondered it awhile.  I felt what it felt like to imagine giving it up and what it felt like to keep doing it. My body felt very anxious if I imagined myself walking away from it so I honored the guidance and stayed on the path.  Even though it’s a bit of a challenging path, I can do it and keep going.

I asked the energies for some guidance a few days ago and got the Triumph card.  Here are some luscious gifts from the card.

“The power of your soul is pushing you and nudging you steadily forward.  Whether you’re setting new goals, developing ideas or planning out a journey, it’s essential that it’s carefully thought out.  When you tap into your inner guidance and balance it with self-control, hard work and perseverance, it’s likely to manifest as a triumphant outcome…focus on the end goal.  Visualize the successful results like it were happening now…

Now is not the time to let go or allow the rivers of life to pull you in the current, as you can so easily lose control.  Grab your oars, grip them tightly, and steer carefully toward your highest aim or destination.”

I love that, no more floating along, our fairy wings need some focus, some clear destinations to fly to, not just enjoy the scenery.  It’s time, time to get magical…it’s time to get down and dirty.  The words that keep coming for me are FOCUS, PLAN, and BALANCE.  FOCUS is huge for me right now.  Getting very clear and detailed on where I’m aiming and defining my end goal and giving it all I got to get there.  It’s a bit more of the masculine energy, balance with the guidance of the feminine energy within.

So this moon cycle, make to do lists, keep focused, keep a schedule, plan things out.  What do you want, name it, write about it, tape it up on your fridge so you can see it every day.  My yoga classes I am doing are about focus and stability and building a strong foundation.  Do different things, different ways to get different results.  If you’re used to working at home, go somewhere to work, switch up the energy.

Here are some yoga poses to help you focus…

http://www.shape.com/blogs/working-it-out/yoga-poses-help-you-focus

Enjoy this New Moon and see the fruits of your labour, your focus, start to manifest in the triumph of your goals and soul’s desires.  You are Divine.

And so it is.

🙂

If you  feel called please do feel free to add your email to follow the blog and I’d be happy to share some new moon and full moon rituals and sacred feminine teachings. 🙂

Crystal Tardiff Chagnon

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How to Release & Purify! Day 4 of the Wildly, Luscious Soulful Living Challenge.

Here we are…day 4 of the 30 Day Challenge.  walk

Today I awoke from some pretty vivid dreams of water, of pipes bursting, of throwing out old things stored in the flooded garage.  It feels that way today, a cleansing and cleaning up of the old energy, in preparation for this weekend’s full moon and lunar eclipse.  I feel in need of a purification.

So today we purify!!!  There are 2 options.  I actually did them both, I need that much purification tee-hee.  There is something I am working on releasing, letting go of… shifting.  How about you?  Is it a thought, an old belief or pattern?  Is it a vice or a need to cleanse the system of something we’ve been over-using or indulging in a bit too much?

Purification Ritual #1

A Cleansing Bath – Drop in some Epsom Salts and Essential Oils.  Any kind works.  I used cedar oil today.  It was lovely.

How often do you take a bath?  Me, almost never.  This was a task I really needed to commit to this morning.  But once I was in there and allowed myself to sit and soak, sweat and release.  It felt amazing, luscious, nourishing to mind, body and soul.  I visualized releasing my stuff in the water and allowing my mind and soul to release out the energy that needed to be cleansed.  It felt like a detox, a reboot of the system, a symbol re-birthing and replenishing.  Give it a whirl, you’ll love it!

Purification #2

Take a walk in the woods or in a park.  And as you walk shake off the old stagnant energy.  Literally shake your hands and your feet, wiggle your whole body if you can.  Have you ever seen that Friends episode where Phoebe goes a job but runs like a wild and free kid.  It’s kinda like that.  Walk or run and release.  Shake that shit out.  You will actually feel a ton of energy coming out of your hands, you may even feel like you are vibrating.  This is a good thing, the energy is moving.  I had a pair of mitts on and had to take them off the energy was so intense.  I was reverberating.  So be silly, wild, free and release that shtuff!

Happy, healthy cleansing folks!

Join the The Women’s Tribe Facebook page or the Feed Your Feminine Soul Group to share your experiences and build a community of like minded folks.

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Crystal

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Wildly, Luscious, Soulful Living Day 1 – Be a Bad-Ass Goddess in the Kitchen.

goddess in the kitchenDay 1 – Let’s start right now!  It’s day 1 of our  30 Day Wildly, Luscious, Soulful Living Challenge (find it here.)

Friday….oh how love Fridays.  It’s pizza night if our house. I make homemade pizza each every Friday…yum!

On this lovely Friday, I invite you to start gently, dip your toe into the Sacred Wild vessel.   Put on some tunes while you cook tonight.  But it’s not just any ordinary night, it’s your WILD cooking tonight!

As you begin to form an elixir of magical and nutritional elements for your family or even in compiling the takeout onto lovely serving platters, take in some deep breaths.  Breathe in the magic.  Begin to imagine yourself at your wild, primal, tribal roots.  Your fierce, your colorful, your flowing, your loose.  Now begin to create a beautiful meal or serve a beautiful dish as this self.  Imagine cooking was a prayer, an expression, an art form.  You are a shaman, blending all the energies and elements into life force energy (aka food) for your tribe.

Crank those tunes, dance, stir, mix, pound the dough invoking your wild magic into the room and in the air.  Get into it.  Pour yourself a glass of sparkling water or vino or juice or a Coca-Cola.  Just enjoy the sacred moment of art alchemy in the kitchen.  Allow yourself to tap into that wild, feminine goddess energy and create abundance on a plate.  You are a portal, a beacon of light, transforming elements into food, energy and sustenance.  That’s bad-ass!

Act as though each action were a prayer.  Each addition of ingredient were a healing herb in your soul food.

This is the act of intention, of focus, of visualization.  You are bringing the magic, the wild, the fun into everyday living, everyday tasks, every day routines as though they were fun pieces of the grand puzzle.  Might as well bring some sparkle to it all.

So here we go, beginning our Wildly, Luscious Soulful Living plan tonight, in our homes, in our kitchens while connecting to our wild, tribal, bad-ass self.  Start bringing the Sacred into everyday life, through intention.

Write Out Your Wild- Writing Explorations…

-What was it like to hold the invite in the Sacred and Your Wild into your everyday life?  What was different about it?

-What elements really helped you connect to the Divine in your own everyday space? Was it a thought, a vision, an action?

-How did you feel during the process and after?

Please share your experiences on the Feed Your Feminine Soul FB Group Page. Let’s build our community of wild, feminine, tribal souls finding our way home to our primal, instinctual, soulful roots!  Or comment about it on The Women’s Tribe Facebook Page.

Ahhhhwooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Enjoy your wild!

xo

C.T.C

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5 Minute Reflective Writing Exercise for the Retrograde.

writingMy mind is still on feelings.  Feelings….gotta love those feelings (this plays as a fun little jingle in my head). I feel that because we are in a mercury retrograde we must continue to reflect AND feel the old stuff that is surfacing to sort through.  We become clear this way.  It’s like forming a “yay” or “nay” pile of emotional cargo we are keeping and releasing.  What is coming up for you?  What is whispering at you through trickles of anxiety in your gut or scratching at your ferociously in your throat?  Are you teary?  Are you joyful?  Are you inspired?  What gift is this emotional information bringing to you?  What do you need?

I feel a bit stuck, spinning, swirling…moving in all directions not just one. I got caught up in my head. Even my writing got stuck because I was writing with my mind and not from my guts, not from the place of my primal, tribal, feminine soul, swirling with colorful paintbrushes on the landscape of my life but from the place of the “shoulds”.  And, that’s the shits!  So I listened to the stuckness and heard what it had to say.  Go buck wild, play, indulge in fun.   Joyously release the old.  Retrogrades are a time of reflecting and tying up the past, bring closure to the unfinished business.

I was pushing to hard, trying to force something rather than allowing it to emerge simply on its own.   I was standing in front of a few different pathways trying to figure out which one I should travel down.  One path I tried in the past and walked away from it, it just didn’t fit.  Here it was again sitting at the the crossroads and I contemplated taking it but the universe and my health intervened and I did not walk that road.  I realize how much that closing that door was a gift even though part of me wanted to take it.  It wasn’t truly me, I’d be twisting and turning myself trying to make it fit.  And in restorative yoga class, the answers occurred, just share and be and walk the path that has always been inside you.  I’m already down the right road, be patient, trust and most importantly…dance!! 😉

There’s an energy within that naturally wants to be danced out not forced out fiercely and quickly.  It shuts down like that and quivers into a corner, unwilling to come forth by force.

I had the pleasure of going out for lunch with a good pal and we chatted some about feelings and how many of us are so afraid to hear them as sacred messengers.   I’m sure every one of us has had a bout of feeling down, maybe it’s depression (which is simply stagnation/inertia/stuckness of energy).  And maybe it’s not.  However it’s a feeling of being ho hum, down, blue.  Maybe you’re like me and you feel irritated, on edge, agitated, emotional, leaking tears at every turn.  This is information!!! Let us listen to it.  There’s a deep deep message and sometimes that message is not what we want to hear but it is our truth.  It’s often information that our souls and minds are not in unity, instead our minds are running the show.  Our wild, free spirits get annoyed, agitated, and feel devalued, even hurt.  Our soul whispers or sometimes screams through our tears….”I’m not happy in this job or relationship.  I’m dying on the inside in all these care-giving roles….I need more.”

WRITING EXERCISE:  Going Inward.

Go to that primal, tribal,feminine woman in you.  Imagine her inside your body, your being.  What does she look like.  Feel her emerge.  Take a posture or stance that feels like hers.  Become her.   From that place I want you to write.  Set your timer for five minutes and just write with the following prompt.  “I need….”  Don’t lift your pen, don’t think, just go wild on the page for five luscious minutes and let her speak up.  Stretch your imagination and invite in your wildest dreams….This is how we feel fulfilled when we tap into our inner wild.

Please do share your experiences 🙂

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How to Actually & Consciously Feel Your Feelings – A New Moon Intention & Soul Lesson

self acceptanceIn my restorative yoga class last night I took to the mat in a supported child’s pose and suddenly couldn’t breathe.  It felt like my lungs were being crushed and I could not catch my breath.  I was going to lose it, like weep right there on the mat.  The room started to spin and I felt tears start to well it my eyes.  “Keep it together…keep it together,” I kept silently saying to myself.  When the yoga instructor inquired if I was okay as I sat up out of the pose, I almost let out a loud whale but managed to say I couldn’t’ breathe.

The well of emotion took a hit and sprung a leak but I didn’t want it to erupt mid yoga class.  I’m a unique duck who goes on emotional journeys and works with different parts of myself whilst in these calming and restorative poses.  I don’t float away, I float inward, towards what is already stewing inside or what has been lying dormant my entire life.

I feel like I came face to face with a deep deep wound, a wound that is held in the physical ailment pattern of my blood issue. It’s my thirteen year old self.  I’ve tended to this part of me for years.  It’s the time when I lost connection to my body and caged my soul and started to live my life in the edges of self-harm with an eating disorder and alcohol misuse.  I acted out my pain and my disconnection and severing from my feminine, wild soul.  Her and I have done a lot of healing work together (my 13 year old self) but suddenly she’s re-emerged.

As I flipped onto my back and opened my heart chakra in yoga class to reign in my emotional meltdown, I started to inquire within about the grief trying to ooze out of me.  My thoughts went to an email I received from a good friend in response to one of my blogs.  I was dumbfounded.  I was so moved by her healing, her growing… her awareness.  I was so humbled that some of my sharing had really sunk in for her, resonated with her in such a powerful way.  I had not known that some of our conversations she really had digested and absorbed.   I wasn’t sure she really bought in to what I was saying at times, it’s quite opposite to the general accepted norm.

As a professional therapist, I’ve helped a lot of different people.  But this was different.  I felt heard and celebrated from the depths of me, from the place of my soul.   From the place that had been silenced, tamed and hidden away from the world because nobody gave her permission to emerge and shine.   My wild, primal voice once silenced is now being shared, heard and better yet…received from others, like a knowing and remembering they already owned.  That’s how it happened for me, shaman and teacher Lynn Andrews spoke words and a language that my DNA had already known but was just waiting to emerge, just waiting to erupt forth into my veins and consciousness.  Now I’ve found my way to live them, even though our society largely disconnects from or unacknowledges our emotional and spiritual realms, I go there and experience them regularly.  That is my purpose.  That is my life line to balance, and fulfillment.  It is the pathway to my confidence and self-worth in the world.

This wounded thirteen year old self at times emerges when I get triggered or fearful and she takes over my body momentarily.  I get frozen in fear and in that automatic response, I get silent and small.

Sometimes I get frustrated that I need to continually tend to this part of me, my inner child that seems to range in ages.  I wonder why she can’t just go away or be healed already.  The Creator knows I’ve worked my but off to tend to her and heal my past.  My ego has a pre-conceived idea that I should be done already, able to move on and forward with no emotional upheaval.  Ha! Silly goose that ego is.

What I’ve come to learn is to simply just witness and make space for whatever it is that is occurring within.  I cannot control what I feel or rid myself of some of my emotional responses triggered by past wounding experiences,  I can only witness them and tend to them and know that over time they lessen.  I guess I can try and ignore and escape them but I’ve done that gig already via eating disorder and too much boozin’.   And in the end, I still had to face what was there anyways.

So what if we simply let go and stopped trying to control the uncontrollable?  What if we simply allowed our natural reactions and allowed them to be as they are while offering them what they need ourselves.  This is the gift of the Aquarian New Moon…non-attachment (as shared by my pal Bekah Finch).  What if we simply observed our reactions and responses as neither good nor bad but as messengers?  What if we simply heard them and witnessed them, maybe even gave voice to them so we could better understand and honor them, rather than poo- pooing them away?!

In sitting with my thirteen year old self on my yoga mat, I know she is just moving through a release, a dumping out of the old cargo that has been held there for so long.  An old pattern is being shaved away and with it a new one taking shape.   There’s going to be some emotional release with that.  Her responses are to freeze in fear and collapse into silence.   As I play witness to her (seeing and watching an image of her my mind’s eye), I tell her I got her back as my adult self and stand in front of her to protect her.  I tell her she is safe and supported, I am here, I will protect her.  I will DEFEND her.  I will use my voice and stand my ground on her behalf when she feels threatened.  I’ve got her. And as I tell her that I see her begin to shift.

In working with this 13 year-old part of me, I’m aware that she feels both relief and grief.  That’s all she’s ever wanted was support and validation.  She’s just wanted someone to have her back.  Hence the grief.  So I allowed myself to whale on the way home from yoga class and release what needed to be released.  It’s that simple.  I don’t have depression, I’m not crazy, I am real life, feeling human on a spiritual life journey.  My emotions are gifts, messengers from the Divine leading back home to myself.

As such, I have issues with my spleen, it swells, it hurts, it aches.  It has for years.  In the book The Secret Language of Your Body by Inna Segal issues with the spleen speaks to, “Feeling helpless, disconnected from feminine energy, fearful, frozen, angry, frustrated.  Overly sensitive and easily swayed…continually worrying and stressing about others.”   My spleen is holding the soul wounds of having separating and betraying my wild, feminine soul and the layers of grief has been long held in the fibers of my spleen and lungs.   I’m currently focusing much of my time and energy on these long held emotional wounds held in the depths of this physical illness.  In tending to the underlying emotional and spiritual patterns I believe I will heal my illness, I believe I will at least get more physical stability in my health as I uncover, unwind and release the twisted wounds in my body’s fibers.  I’m already starting to see the changes.  That is my intention for 40 straight days, to work with the emotional and spiritual wounds while on my yoga mat.  So far I’m on day 16.

So let us practice a teaching most of us missed growing up on this Aquarius new moon.  Nobody sat us down and showed us the way inward, down into the body to reflect and feel our emotions.  So may I be so honored to share with you the way home, the way in, the way to your deepest self.  Let’s practise this conscious journey inward to our bodies, the magical inner realm where our emotions, spirit, desires, needs, wants, wounds and unconscious mind exists.  It’s like a magical galaxy with endless information and beauty that swirls with emotions, feelings, sensation and even symbolic imagery.  We just need to travel into this dimension and this world regularly, consciously so we need not erupt at the seams or act out and distract from it with our “vices” or addictions.

So, sit or lie down and take several deep breaths.  Allow your eyes to close.  With each breath just sink deeper and deeper into your body and notice anything that calls your attention.  Is there a muscle ache or a tingling sensation anywhere?  Is there an image or emotion that comes to mind?  Just allow what is there, first thing that comes.   Say hello to it, honor it.  Imagine that part sitting beside you.   Ask it why it is calling for your attention.  Become that part of you and speak on its behalf.  What wisdom and information does it have to share with you?  What does it need from you?  What do you have to say to this part?

Don’t think too much here just consciously feel what is calling for your attention.  Meet your inner wisdom where it exists.  There is so much in there so just focus on the loudest aspect that is calling you today.  Sit with it in silence, maybe just say hi and sit there to start. And work your way up to conversation.  Simply by acknowledging it, it will begin to shift.

This new moon with mercury retrograde feels like a cleansing, a lesson in absorbing the inner wisdom and releasing the past.  It’s like we are simultaneously clearing the old while setting the new foundational intentions.  It’s quite interesting.   Maybe this month you can set an intention for self-connection, going inward, reflecting, hearing, listening to the Sacred Body as a regular soul nourishing practise.  What can you do to self-connect and go inward a little more?  Watch for more posts this month to help guide you with some self-reflection activities and inner world explorations.  Be sure to follow the blog by adding your email to get the posts.  J

This is my specialty, going inward, going into the shamanic territory of the inner body where all parts of us exist…the perfectionist, the addictive parts, the controller, the over achiever, the self-sabotager, the wounded self.  It’s like a sea of segregated parts…all hiding the Big Kahuna…our wild, primal souls.  If you’d like to work deeper into your inner realm and learn how to exist in more regularly as your wild, tribal, primal soul email me at  crystalchagnon22@gmail.com. To explore some one on one work together.

sacred body 2Happy New Moon & Inner Reflections this month.

🙂

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Teachings from A Grouse for the New Moon & The Winter Solstice.

solisticeFor those of you who do not know my house has a pet grouse.  And we have a history!  It all started last year when this grouse appeared out of the speckled forest in our back yard.  It seemed friendly enough, never flying away in fear, generally just curious.  It always came about and explored what we were up to until one changing day when it hopped on my son’s back and scared the poop out of him. Now you’re messing with my baby Mr. Grouse and mama’s got a problem with that.

I chased that bird away into the bush on countless occasions, one time with a broom, only to have it follow us over and over again.   Last winter we were enjoying a nice day sliding down the hill in the yard and it decided to jump on my back as I slid down.  I jumped off my plastic, green slide in terror and hid under it and using like a shield until my husband stopped laughing enough to chase it away.

This winter the grouse has been M.I.A. and quite frankly I was at peace with that.  But yesterday, as I drove home from a medical appointment I slammed on my breaks and came to a dead stop. The sun glared in my eyes as my mouth dropped open in disbelief.  Twelve, grey, confident grouse strolled across the road with their chests puffed up in the air walking slowly and commanding road.  The hair on my arms stood up and I knew those grouse were sending me a message.

In her book Medicine Cards, Jamie Sams connects the grouse to the sacred spiral.   She asks us, “Analyze the way you move through your world.  How do you picture yourself in the act of “locomotion”…What word would you use to describe the way you move through both the material and spiritual worlds?…is your movement compatible with your greatest desires and goals?”  She also speaks of the grouse being an ancient symbol for birth and rebirth.  The sacred spiral is also a symbol of personal power, a feminine symbol that we used to paint on our bodies for ceremonies and vision quests, a symbol of visioning to the center of creation, down the sacred spiral and towards the center and still spot of a tornado.

This message fit well as I have been really exploring my energy lately and witnessing how much I push myself and how much I pull back.  And in my self-assessment I’ve come to realize that I’m really good at pushing myself and I rarely pull back my energy on my own accord but usually out of collapse. I typically go from a state of pushing, pushing, pushing to a grinding halt…stopped dead in my tracks with inertia and exhaustion.  The experience of pulling back is not gentle or subtle, it’s extreme and fierce. It’s forceful and out of desperation, a need for recuperation and a catching of my breath for survival.  Like everyone else I’m learning to exist somewhere between inertia and a thousand miles a minute and moving away from the extremes.  I do know this, for every action there is an equal or greater reaction.  So when we move to one extreme, there is always the opposite extreme waiting for our arrival.

My yoga class is showing me it’s in the small shifts that we can gently move to and from our edge.  Whether it’s in doing every second sun-salutation instead of every single one or maybe it’s taking a half pose instead of the full pose.  Sometimes it’s using modifications or props for support rather than pushing to the far edge of triangle pose and into injury or exhaustion.  Maybe its letting the dishes dry in the sink every so often or reading a good book instead of doing the laundry every second night.  I found it to be quite playful to try and find balance in a gentle, subtle, loving way in my every day life instead of just pushing and getting through these few days and then falling ill or finishing my weak in a state of depletion.

I’m aware too that I’ve over-done myself to the nards so much that when my body is pushed past her limit just a bit she reacts angrily and with an autoimmune flare up.  So I’ve had to learn the luscious lessons of pulling back from the edge this year and now I find myself wanting to live in the pocket of it, not pushing past it, and not quite pulling back from it either.  Just dancing in the swirling energy of the edge, and following it’s changing parameters on each day, in each moment at each season.

As I reflect on 2014 I realize now this year for me was in many ways about pausing.  It was about stillness, reflection, contemplation, absorption, rooting, grounding, filling up the tank and restoration. Not the easiest of years’ for an over-doer.  This year has been in many ways about sitting damn close to inertia and letting that be my edge.  Our edges move, it’s not always where we think it should be, or even where we want it to be but it is where it is.  It changes daily, weekly, monthly and yearly.  All we can do is simply allow it to be where it is today and do our best to honor it.  I had a couple goals for 2014 I did not accomplish but I can see now as I reflect now that I couldn’t move my energy out to accomplish that goal when I was taking the year to pull my energy in and fill up in preparation for 2015, a year of manifestation.  There is a wisdom to our edges that is supernatural and purposeful.

So as we close this season, may you and I dance the sacred spiral of the Grouse.  Allowing ourselves to at times push, at times pull back, all while being gentle and subtle, not aggressive or forceful.  May we at times simply observe our energies to be as they are without a desire to change them.  I encourage you to allow yourself to fall into a slower, more reflective pace for the winter season and dream the dream like the great dreaming bear who hibernates in the caves of Mother Earth.  Fill yourself up with visions and dreams for the new year ahead.

I genuinely feel that learning about the 28 day lunar cycles and its’ connection to our 28 day menstrual cycles will help us find our edges.   So invite you to witness how as a new moon approaches we are often in low energy, like a seed just being planted into the soil and allow yourself to be softer, gentler and slower during this time.  The moon is dark and requesting us to reflect, imagine, and dream the vision for the seed we are planting.  I always notice that the 3 days before a new moon I am often more tired and low energy as the end of a moon cycle comes to a close and a new moon cycle is preparing for release.  Witness too that generally at a full moon, we are typically more energetic, vibrating, buzzing and hatching our goals and allow our edges to expand further and wider.  We have more energy, we are at our peaks as the moon shines brightest in the sky.

May this upcoming New Moon & Winter Solstice on Sunday be a time for you to sit…reflect…dream…imagine your goals for the upcoming 2015 year.  See them in your mind’s eye, see yourself doing and being in the next year to come.  Dream the dream and dance the sacred spiral of the Grouse.

Aho! And so it is.grouse

Look for more one day classes and short essays on teachings of the Sacred Feminine, Moon Time & Sacred Spirals in the New Year.  It will be a great year. 🙂

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“We are born as wild mountain lions but live most of our lives like sheep, forgetting and denying whole parts of ourselves.”  Lynn Andrews.