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What If I Punched Fear in the Face and Let my Magic Leak Out? What if you did too??

magicWhat if I dared to jump off the cliff and punched fear in the face? What if I took the last piece of  chest armor off and trusted that the universe shall hold me in her arms and wrap me with loving protection,safety and security simply by believing in her?

Can it be done?  My mind is trying to wrestle me into “reality” and the old cautionary tale.

What if I trusted that being in the unknown, the portal between the worlds of change was okay?

I’ve always had on my defensive suite, ready for heartbreak, ready for fear, ready to run and escape and attack whatever was around the corner..

What if i changed this whole paradigm, this whole way of existing on edge, on the defense, on guard and surrendered into the pocket of the universal forces calling me to rest in her palm?

What if i didn’t set-up my life with one foot on the safety net, as though I believed life would fall apart, something would destruct and my survival were at risk?  What if I practiced faith and trust fully, for real..in life, in myself, in all good things.  My heart is expanding, softening and opening just at the thoughts in this possibility.

I feel a connection, an aliveness, a vast explosion of wild colors in myself at the thoughts of the Divine fully integrated in my life.  In this moment I feel connected to all life, I see the tapestry of it all like it were a video game made by Creation.

What if I approached every obstacle with radical trust that the universe was brewing something wildly different for me and all I had to do was float along on the sailboat into the change ahead rather than fight to the death the change that lie ahead? What if change or loss, or endings were not life-threatening and simply re-birthing into something more grand than I could ever imagine?

Is this full blown faith?  Is this divine trust?  This feels magical.  My mind wants to squash it and tell me to be realistic, to grip into the smartest, safest choice, but my soul wants magic and deep faithful aliveness.  I want to exist by flying in the sparkling dust of this Faith.  Tears stream with the remembering of this deep connection of the Divine in my life, we have drifted from each other the last while.

I’m shocked looking at this powerful mirror of my existence.  I have always existed on the defense.  I have built my life as a safety net, as a way to exist in the face of crisis or emergency, always having a back-up plan for my back-up plan. I have anticipated life falling apart (again and again) and have not fully moved in my depths, my heart.  I have stood rigid, on guard and protective for myself just in case.  I have remained the professional, responsible, logical, planned, realistic woman, having the reigns of control in my hands.  Protecting myself from anticipated pain or loss and I have wrapped a piece of my heart, my own divinity in protective metal.

I have done an injustice to myself.  I have allowed fear to envelop me and I have not lived fully from my center.  I have moments in my center, in trust, in my core, but I have always worn protection against the anticipation of doom.  I have had doom before, my whole life fell apart and I was brought closest to my pure existence, to my soul.  I lost all ego constructs, my house, my job, my marriage, my dogs (in the divorce) and was left with the bare minimum.  In my bare minimum I was closest to Spirit, to the Universal Forces, to my own soul.

Don’t get me wrong, in my life now I move into my depths, and my heart, I dive in explore the ocean of existence within myself but I have not created my life to express the full blown magical waters it is.  I have only made pockets of it.  I have created my life to mirror my inner protector…safe, linear, logical, well planned, a “just in-case” kind of life.  I have built it in preparation for it to fall apart, I have safety nets all over.

invokationThis means, I have lived a life with a Core of FEAR and believe things won’t work out!  I have assumed the worst, waited for the shoe to drop. I assume heartache and pain, curve balls and road turns are just around the corner and I pad myself up with protective part living so when life crashes it won’t hurt so bad.  I won’t feel the sting.  I keep my foot in a job that can sustain me “in case” things fail rather than jump into the ocean of trust and faith and creative juices as an artist or life art practitioner or whatever the hell that may be.

What if I lived with sweet surrender, Divine Faith and Trust in the Universe herself like she always has my back, because this I know to be true but I act differently in my life than this knowing.  Every time life has knocked me around, the Universe always had my back, every.single.time.

What if I flew arms wide open into the winds of change trusting that Universe is calling this from me and supporting me and opened myself to the Grace of what the universe shall bring?

Will there be difficulty, challenges, uncertainties, hell yeah but I don’t have to surrender my authentic, core, trusting, loving, faithful center and get into my defensive, fearful, life will fall apart believing self, ready to fight against pain.  Instead I can approach life with a gentleness, a sweet, soft knowing that all is occurring as She was ever meant to.

The Universe is calling me back home into a life of trust and surrender in her sweet arms.  She is calling me to believe in the good of the world, that physical life is spiritual life, they are not separate entities, just different energetic expressions of Existence and Creation herself.

She is asking me to shed the veils, remove the safety nets and full blown fucking live…alive…juicy…emotional.  This is a 180 change in my life, a softening, a surrender, a trust in the Divine Herself.  Perhaps then my immune system shall soften 😉

I feel an openness in my heart, an awakening in my breath, an aliveness in my bones as think about cutting the safety nets off of my life.

“Although we have been made to believe that if we let go we will end up with nothing, life itself reveals again and again the opposite: that letting go is the path to real freedom.”  (From Om Element page)

And so it is…

xo

Crystal

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A Blue Moon Lesson & Releasing Ritual.

blue moonThis month there is just so much going on, isn’t there?  At this Blue Moon (second full moon in one month), we are asked to move through shtuff and let it go.  I’ve been so sensitive this month, really reacting to lots, aware of much coming up for me. Puddles of grief and anger have re-surfaced and I even had to go a Bio-energetic counselling session to literally scream it out.  I twisted towels in anger, banged my feet against a block and allowed to tears to leak out like rushing waterfalls.  I made room to sob.  Yup, I sobbed and sobbed it out.  It was free-ing and exhausting, and it took all I had to give myself permission and space to do it.  I knew it was what needed to be done, even though I  kinda didn’t want to because it isn’t fun or easy.  I’ve been quite low key and low energy since the major release but certainly calmer and clearer.

I’ve come face to face with a pattern this month.  An old and familiar wound.  You see, I’m an Empath, I feel things deeply, I can feel energy and other people’s shtuff.  I can also feel deeply my own truth in my feelings.  I feel like my soul constantly meets these systems, these patriarchal, logical, linear, needing physical, material proof systems that focus on facts.  And my body, my sweet, alive, LOUD, soul expressing, feeling howling body speaks another Truth.

Sometimes the facts don’t align.  I come face to face with logic or someone else’s truth and it doesn’t align with mine.  My feelings,my body, my despair, my fear….they start to scream.  They howl until my gut is all twisted up.  I try and share my feelings, my gut instinct so to speak and it’s denied, ignored or even made fun of.  It’s so out there, so off beat, so opposite of what the facts are saying.  I’m accused of being wrong, or inaccurate or negative or whatever the case may be.

I’ve struggled with my voice, with knowing how to be heard.  With how and where to express some Truths with a capital T when the facts are saying otherwise.

I feel caught…stuck… my awareness is standing between logical truth and Mystery Truth.  A system or a person with authority, even someone in my life is telling me something that is not true for me and I feel a strong pang in my gut, it doesn’t ring true for me.  Something doesn’t feel right.  My body is very attuned, my inner knowing comes far before the facts show up and I have this habit of doubting Her.  Not because I don’t believe her but because I don’t know how to express my knowing and the yet to be revealed facts.  I’ve been rejected and taken a strip off of one too many times for knowing what has not yet been shown.

I reveal the truth to soon because I’m desperate to be heard and understood, even valued by others because I haven’t done that for myself.  I wait for them to give me permission to believe the Mystery of my intuitive, feeling expressing body.  And it doesn’t come, we live in a logic oriented world, where the physical and the logical are more valued and accepted than the magical and emotional.

I don’t trust that people value my feelings or intuitive knowings so I get quiet and deny my body.   I feel like I work hard to try and convince them of a point of view they simply don’t get or can’t see or understand.  And I get stuck in chaos, in anger, and in doubt and uncertainty in myself.  Am I wrong?  Am I missing something?  And I get frozen in that spot. The web of grief overtakes me and I move into the common wound.  I keep thinking I need and want someone to accept my strong feminine nature, my intuitive, emotional feeling ways and celebrate them rather than demean and diminish them and I wallow in the pain of been invalidated or denied.

I see now, it is me who must move from wallowing to being my own salvation.  I must be the people or person who celebrates and accepts and BELIEVES in myself and my gifts no matter what.  If they don’t hear or agree or understand, so what! I doesn’t mean I’m wrong or I need to explain myself better, it means I simply must find another door or road to support the Truth.  It’s a signpost leading me to another direction, not a rejection letter.

I can find another way, another door, another road, another person who hears me and validates me.  I can find support where there is support. I can ask the universe, my angels, my guides to lead the way, show me another road or trail that can support my knowing or Truth.  I don’t have to dwell in the cell of rejection, or feeling of being un-valued or unheard.  I don’t need to waste my time trying to get heard by people and systems who have dead ears.  I can go another way, I can find another trail where we all play the same harp songs.

I go through this lesson over and over to remember it is in my own self-acceptance.  I’ve come into this world to accept myself even if I am different, not to be accepted by others.  The later will come when I do the work first.  It’s like a sacred relationship with myself, a testing, a learning curve.  I get there….eventually but I need not keep going through the long, treacherous painful process of self-doubt.  Usually when the Truth finally reveals itself I’m full of buckets and pockets of grief and pain because I REJECTED MYSELF.  I knew all along and I didn’t believe myself, instead I followed what the doctor, or lawyer or other person unable to hear my Truth because the facts had not yet come.  And I’m tired of rejecting myself!  In fact I will no longer do it!

So on this full and blue moon, let’s howl it out.  Sing some songs, scream, twist towels in anger and release it out.  Get our voices out into the universe and sing our soul songs.  Play some fun,uplifting music and sing along.  Scream out what you no longer will carry.  Scream out your worth, your value, your gifts.  Scream out a love song yourself!

A BLUE MOON RITUAL:blue moon ceremony

Alright, let’s make this fun and magical.  Put on something blue, a blue scarf, shirt, blue nail polish, a necklace or ring.  Or all of the above!   Have some candles, light some incense, heck even get a couple fireworks.  Light a small fire outside or even candles and write on papers what you wish to release and burn that shit up!

I release…

Self- Doubt – Burn it!

Control – Burn it!

Frustration and anger- Burn it!

Grief – Burn it!

Now Make another list and carry it with you.

I CHOOSE…..

I choose self-love, self-acceptance.

I choose to another another’s point of view.

I choose to another my point of view.

I choose to allow myself to work with the Mystery to be guided and find my way, my voice, my path.

I choose to believe in magic.

I choose to accept my glorious gifts and share them, not hide them.

I choose to honor myself and others.

WHAT DO I WANT AND NEED?

I ask you Great Spirit, Grandmother moon, my guides, ancestors, angels, helpers and all beings who love me to show me and guide…

My way

My expression of my soul easily and freely

An easy manifestation of my soul work

The formal and form you best want me to express myself.

Lead me, I shall follow.

To wrap up this ritual do something you do once in a blue moon, like taking a skinny dip, have a unique supper like a fondue or buy champagne and toast the moon.  Make a Moon Garden, a place in your yard with special stones and objects or fairy houses, anything unique and special on this special occasion.  Celebrate this rare moment in time but doing something fun and radical for yourself or for you and your significant other.   

Enjoy this once this beautiful Blue Moon and release the old while welcoming in the new!  This is a time or major healing and releasing.

And so it is!

If you called, please do feel free to add your name to the email list to receive Moon Musings and soul nourishing rituals. I’d be honored!:) 

xo

Crystal

Photo source:  hdpics.com, meetup,com