Returning to our Wild, Primal Ways – Day 13 of the 30 Day Challenge.

candleI had an earlier post but for some reason hesitated to post it.  Returning from the grocery store, a new message found me and I shall share.

I went into town to get some groceries.  I struggled cause I am not feeling great. I even sat in the truck for a few minutes and gathered up enough energy just to go in.  The task of putting a quarter in the grocery cart then pushing it around seemed daunting.  However, my family needs food, so I did what I had to do. 😉

So there I am drudging along between aisles then all of a sudden…darkness!  The power went out.  Can you believe that!! It stayed out the entire time I shopped.  I had to try and find a good fruit by feel, not by sight.  I shopped in darkness the entire time. It really got me thinking so much about…

a) the amount we depend on electricity and

b) how luxurious my life is and how much I take it for granted.

I thought about how the grocers would keep the meat and dairy cold if the power stayed out for a long while and even how I’d pay my grocery bill without the debit machine.  I hadn’t even contemplated that I’d have to manually put my groceries in front of the cashier as the belt to move them forward wouldn’t work without electricity.  Nor did I think about how I’d get my large, semi size cart out of the store when the automatic doors stopped working and I had to manually push them open while pulling what seemed like a diesel truck style grocery cart out simultaneously.  Funny!

Wow, how much do we literally take for granted?  I feel a touch guilty, even slightly embarrassed…dare I even say lazy?

I thought how much luxury I have just for having electricity and I wondered how my grandma’s survived with no running water, or electricity with babies.  Amazing, strong, tough women I tell ya!

So, maybe just for today…notice the gift of electrical current running through our homes.  Think of how much life would be different with out such a gift.  Where would we store our groceries?  What would we do without a TV?  How would we live differently?  It pulls out a fun, wild, primal part of me when I reflect.

A part of me feels guilty for how lazy and dependent I’ve become on these luxuries and another part of me craves the simplicity of that life.  Can you imagine how much we wouldn’t need gyms or exercise routines because we were manually doing everything from hauling groceries, canning vegetables for the year, prepping and preserving meats, likely even hunting them (with all the love and gratitude in the world of course).  Imagine using candles instead of light switches, fires instead of stoves, wash boards instead of washing machines!!

What if today, we soaked in all of our luxuries, imagining…wondering, if we’d be doing what we are doing if we didn’t have access to electricity?  How might life be different?  What are some of the luxuries you get to enjoy and likely take for granted that our grandparents did not?  This is today’s journal prompt.

I’m humbled, grateful and will be more conscious of the gifts I have in this lifetime.

What would it be like to live without power for an evening?  Give it a whirl?  It happened to us once in the past year when the power went out for 5 hours.  Luckily we had a fireplace, candles and flashlights.  We played games and hide and seek and connected in the most primal way.  It was beautiful.

What would it be like to live a more primal, raw, life?

Share your thoughts, journal entries, reflections on the Women’s Tribe Facebook Page or Feed Your Feminine Soul Group Page.

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To Whom It May Concern – I have a Week to Live (A Writing Exercise)

Hi Friends.  I’m doing this writing class right now and the just of the question is…Write a letter or a story or a poem in your last week to live.  What would you say?  What words do you want to leave behind…

joyThis is what I said….

To Whom it May Concern,

Turns out I have about a week to live.  Life kind of flashes before your eyes as you approach death’s door and it’s interesting to think about what you’ll take with you to the other side.

Much of my teen years and twenties were spent trying to become something.  I felt this pull to do better, do more, achieve, achieve, achieve like it were a drug that fed my worth and my ability live life.  I sought out titles and medals for accolades because it was the only way I knew how to fill my bucket.  I needed things, recognition, celebration and external success to feel good enough.  It’s a cultural phenomenon so who can really blame me.

But in my late twenties and early thirties I learned a different way of being.   Life knocked me down off my high horse so I could see the beauty of the underworld.   I learned the gift of just Being…and to unite with my wild, colorful, tribal roots.  It was my connection to my wild soul that was really the secret to life all along.  I felt full for the first time ever, not from the outside but from within.  It wasn’t a desperate reaching for something outside of me in order to feel loved or good enough, it was a natural oozing out of my Source, a release, a letting go of all the shiny beams I was holding inside.  I didn’t have to do a darn thing.  I beamed light because I was light.  I had danced in it, swirled through the hoops of its’ company and I leaked out golden rays of life in my world.  My bucket was finally full because I released who I really was out of me and into the outside world.  It never really was about becoming anything, but Being myself at the Sacred.  It was about enjoying the Sacred in every possible moment in my life, even if it were doing dishes or running a cleansing bath for my son.  I approached each task like it were an active prayer.

I learned to soak in the energy, the magic of the moment like were a sponge and ring it out into my world.  I absorbed all life had to offer me by feeling it and rolling in it like it were a colorful explosion of dust on the ground.  My pen was my gateway between the worlds, inner reflection and outer resolution, it were really a life line to my Divine.  I have nothing left unsaid, unfelt or untouched for I have loved every moment, even when I didn’t think I did.  I see how all the crooked trails, all the painful sorrows, were all part of this life’s equation, to come to the answer of a life filled with love, Being and connected to my wild.

So as I sit and reflect what I will take with me to the other side it is not roles or titles or accomplishments, it is my son’s smile, the pulsating high of endorphins that rattle my chest because of the love I have experienced with my husband.  I will take the still moments when the moon shone brightly in the dark night sky, or the gift I received in seeing the beautiful crystallized snowflake on my dog’s nose.  I will take the soft caress of the wind on my face and the warmth of the sun against my cold skin.  I will bring home the magic that this life had to offer and I will gallop on my wild horse to the gates of the other world.  Look for a trail of golden dust, it shall sparkle in the sky as I paint colorful clouds all the way there.

For whoever reads this note, this last little bit of sharing I have left, start Being in your life. Focus less on becoming something and plant your feet right in the sacred moment, the exact pearl you are standing in the thread of life and indulge joyously in the crisp, juicy taste of its magic.  It is Divine all around, soak it in.  Life is art baby, go live it!

And so it is.



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“Have You Become the Woman You Want To Be?”

womaniwnat tobeI was up early this morning and got a chance to watch the 6 am Super Soul Sunday air on the OWN channel.  One of my favorite author’s Sue Monk Kidd was her guest, what a treat!  If you haven’t read any of her work I highly recommend you do.  My favorites are Dance of the Dissident Daughter and Traveling with Pomegranates.  Although, she is most known for her novel, The Secret Life of Bees, my favorites are still her more autobiographical work and reflections.

Anyhow, in the interview Oprah asks her, “Have you Become the Woman You Want to Be?”

Jolt!! That question stunned me into paralysis like a gun to the temple.

And so I share with you the question and encourage you to make a journal entry answering Oprah’s stun gun of a question.  Just let the pen ride and let her take you to where she needs to go…flow….just flow.  Follow the tide inward and let Her emerge…  Put your timers on for a glorious 8 minutes and go!

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Here’s my entry….

For me, this past year was quite something.  I have been off sick from work for a year now, low energy and with a blood disorder.  It literally forced me to sit in beingness not doingness.  I went from living a fast paced life as a single mother with a full-time job, a two-hour commute, and a to do list a mile long while running full speed on a quarter tank of gas, to stopped in my track stillness.  Stopped…almost dead… into sit and rest stillness.  I’ve been turned upside down, flipped around, turned inside out and it is there, in that place, upside down, dangling from the rope of my old life, feet up to the sky, swaying with uncertainty and the unknown that I came face to face with the woman I want to be.  She’s tribal, primal, naked, raw, alive, loud, vivacious, emotional, colorful, reflective, intuitive, in union with herself, with the Creator and with her tribe.  She’s fierce and soft, gentle and bold. She’s marked with tribal lines across her face and her hair is long and wild.  She’s confident and assured in herself and its beautiful.  She’s in union with her Feminine nature, allowing her tribal DNA to emerge and express itself in her life and she follows her tribal, primal instincts. As I hang upside from the overturn of my life, our eyes meet as we look to each other face to face, me upside down hanging and her looking up from the inward life of my inner cave.  I have reached my hand to her and she’s reached hers to me.

I have always got a sense of worth out of my doingness, that’s the culture we live in.  I’ve got ego strokes from my job titles or sport accomplishments, or my superwoman mask who has overdoing super powers and does life and a high pace velocity. But, this year, I can say in doing almost nothing because I couldn’t, in sitting and being, writing and creating emotional expressions, I am on my way to becoming the woman I want to be.  I was brought home to my own original nature, pure, and feminine, inward and reflective.  I am far more authentic, real, and honest to myself because I have nothing else to do but listen, learn, and experience what it is.  I feel like I have taken off the final mask and finally showed my real face.   As I removed it I felt vulnerable, even fearful, ready for rejection and humiliation.  And yet, I am just sitting here, mask removed not really caring about how another feels about but instead, how I can continue to create my life so I can live without it for good.

I can say I am less people-pleasing and more able to tend to myself and my own needs first while actually being okay with that.  I am in the nitty, gritty of my emotions and they are honest and real and I tend to them…usually.  I’ve been stripped down from all I have known, all titles, roles, activities and into my Feminine Core where my intuition, emotions and creative needs have been sitting and waiting for me and I have bravely and sometimes reluctantly tended to them.  I wouldn’t make the space for them in my life, so they made space for me in my life to tend to them.

So here I am meeting myself in the raw.  I watch as my heart’s needs and desires show up and I can choose to reflect or turn away from them.  I can choose to release them or deny them.  Have a wine or write.   I am a woman in process, a woman working hard to be authentic by being present to her inner world and daring to walk in union, not separation, with that world. It takes guts and it ain’t easy!  I have been trained to sell myself out, to flick the switch off to what is occurring within to get shit done or because it was easier to say yes when I really wanted to say no.  I instead want to live in honor to myself by honoring and expressing my needs and emotions, using my voice, saying no and doing what I want to do simply cause I want to do it.  I don’t want to reject and deny myself anymore because others are more comfortable when I do.  I want to make space for the whisper in my gut that says I want more.  I want to live more wildly, more freely in union with my tribal, primal roots and play way more often.  I want to be less serious and more silly.  I want to make and take my own sacred time for myself, my own inner union and not abandon that time because somebody else needs me.   I’m on my way to becoming that woman…still practicing to keep united and not abandon the inner sea just for the comforts of validation and acceptance from another. What a ride, what a process.  Here I am still wavering at sea, riding the tides and looking less at the shore.

Aho! And so it is.