The Power of Accepting Powerlessness

power2Hi friends.

It has been awhile. My life got busy with the arrival of our newest son Cedar Rain.  He is just over 2.5 weeks old.  We love him to pieces!!!

However, it has been an interesting road post baby.

As many of you know I have a blood/immune disorder that affects my health when I’m not well, stressed, recovering, etc.  So it is back with a vengeance since labouring the babes.  As such my body isn’t making as much milk as he needs because, well, it can’t.  It doesn’t have the energy stores.  I’ve met with public health nurses, lactation consultants, etc…they all say the same, ” You must take care of you first.  You need to do some formula, you may need to consider stopping breastfeeding.”

This is tough, I so wanted to breastfeed solely, and yet I can’t physically do it.  My body goes into extreme stress.  So here I am between my head and my body.  My head thinks I should breastfeed, it’s the right thing to do, it’s the best for baby…blah blah blah.  This is the perfectionist part of me that seems to emerge when I have a baby.  I want to be the most perfect mom, the mom that does everything according to the book and the experts so my baby has the best chance of….what, I am not sure.

This attitude, this addiction, carries with it beliefs that I must always perform, succeed, accomplish, do everything exactly as expected, to be impeccable at all times, no flaws, no limitations, no challenges or imperfections. I am just supposed to achieve the ideal mothering standard point blank, it’s what “good moms” do.  I know, I know it’s not possible and yet my mind warp speeds around spinning my brain, convincing me I’m failing somehow if I’m not perfect or if I can’t walk the ideal, supreme road.  So here I am coming at it face to face to deal with these illusions and destructive addictive thinking that emerges at times.

My husband has said numerous times, “you are way too hard on yourself.”  I see this, I know this, but yet I get caught in the perfectionist, false ideal state trap and at times struggle to get out of the blanket it throws on me.

So I do what I know, and go to a place of power in my mind’s eye.  A place where I feel strong and centered.   I’m brought to a ceremonial fire we had at Ghost Ranch, New Mexico with Lynn Andrews.  It’s night time, in the desert, the air is a bit crisp but the fire exudes a bright, luminous glow.  I feel strong and calm as the warmth of the flames caress my face.  I ask a guide to come a talk to me and who shows but Ruby Plenty Chiefs, a grandmother, a member of the Sisterhood of the Shields (in Lynn Andrews books).  Ruby is fierce, firm, takes no shit form nobody.  She’s in your face fierce, full of power and will call you to it if she feels you leaking your energy.  She looks at me as says, “own what is and move on.”

It’s so point blank, so raw, poignant, truthful…honest.  It’s so simple and yet sooooo complex and difficult.  It’s exactly where I struggle.  I fall into the drudgery, the pit of self-loathing or wishing something other than what is and try and adjust reality to make it fit what I hoped or wanted.  I spin my wheels trying to force what I want rather than allow and accept what is. I fight and fight like a ravenous, starving wolf fighting off prey for a morsel of food.  And I fall in the darkness, the pit of sadness and pain.  I struggle and struggle until I can not struggle anymore and finally accept what was there in the first place, now beaten down, exhausted and defeated.

What if I honored what is and owned it, confidently, fiercely, powerfully, and peacefully rather than struggle against it? What if I found my power by accepting my powerlessness in the situation at hand and trusted that somehow this was Divine Law, the what is of the process.

I admit, I worry about what others will think, and about what I think of myself because there are these “ideals” out there that I feel I “should” be following.  The nurses tell me many women choose not to breastfeed cause they hate it, they don’t enjoy it so they don’t do it.  I find that powerful to know what you want and own it, to choose it regardless of what others think.  It’s powerful to choose your own truth and do what is best for you, whatever the scenario, even if it’s against the grain, even it’s not really what you hoped but it’s what you must do.  This is the learning.

“When the shield carrier reaches the top of the mountain, she never seeks approval, because approval is based on doubt…Power lies in individuality and the ability to see yourself through your own eyes, not through the eyes of another.  To be in power,you must take your power and exist within your own individuality.”(Lynn Andrews Individuality Power Deck Card.)

Therein lies my issue.  I seek approval, I seek validation, I seek the nod that what I am doing is okay by others rather than from myself.  I leak my power and don’t own what is in my energy field and try and shape it into the form I believe will get approved and validated instead of accepting what actually is.

I lose the flow of life my trying to inflect my own will, my own need for approval and a lack of trust in myself and Divine law.  I see Ruby in my power place laughing, and she says,”you take yourself so seriously, do you think breast milk or formula has any bearing on the other side (spirit world), hahahahaha?  It is not the point, you are missing the lesson.  Laugh at yourself little girl, you are being silly.”

“See how you have chosen your illusions, as others have, and seek to feel the laughter that hold together the daily dream.  Self-importance blinds you to the source of joy an humor.” (exerpt from the Humor Card from the Power Deck.)

So here I am owning my illusions, my need for approval.  I see that my leaking valve of power is my addiction to perfection so I don’t have look at my limitations, my weak or less strong spots.  I pretend they don’t exist and try and exude the image, the ideal standard when my limitations are needing recognition.  My limitations need there own attention and actions.

So on this New Moon cycle, I try to own what is and allow what needs to be to be.  I allow joy and humor back in my life by taking life and my roles a little , no a lot… less seriously.  I am not perfection.  I have limitations, I have weaknesses, I have struggles and places of physical limitation I can not control and I can own that.  I am not a perfect mother and I won’t harm my child by being imperfect.  I can accept that. I can own my limitations, my powerlessness in the situation to find my power, to find strength.

And so it is.

Hope ya’ll are having a healing New Moon cycle with many bouts of laughter, humor and joy.


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Celebrating the Sacred Feminine Ways of Motherhood.

momTo all the mothers, especially my mom.  Honoring your beautiful Sacred Feminine ways that all too often are left un-noticed and un-celebrated. This day’s for you!  I honor you and all your beautifully Feminine ways of nurturance, creativity, love, tenderness, intuitive knowing, and connection to magic.  You are Divine!

To all the Moms,

I want to acknowledge all the special ways you invoked the beauty of the Feminine Divine in our lives and made our house a home.  The touches of love and the sparks of joy were ignited by your hands.

You were the anchoring roots in the middle of our storms.  You calmed and soothed us with your presence and care.  You created memories of safety and security that we carried forward in our lives that helped shape all of our future relationships and friendships.

You loved every part of us in a way only a mother knows how.  You made moments special by showing up and giving the exact energy we needed to feel extra special and loved at any given moment. Our fun Friday night dinners, Saturday night fires, or Sunday morning pancakes were all cherished rituals of love.  

You seen us, you knew us at a level only a mother would and you filled our heart spaces with rainbows.  And so often it was not thanked or seen or known for how special it really was. 

You decorated our home each holiday season, bringing in the joy and magic with our decorated Christmas trees, lighting of the candles, the many holiday flowers, letting us paint snow in the already snowy window.  You’d let us taste test the yummy snowballs and short bread cookies each and every year .   You filled our senses with so many memories that each wiff of pine or of baking cookies  invokes a sacred memory and smile.

You made each holiday sparkle with your creative sprinkles.  You invited in the energy of the season, the magic in the air, the joy in our hearts and love in our home.  You made everything special and alive, you were conductor of the orchestra that ignited the life fires inside our bellies and lit the lights in our homes.

You ignited the magic into the mundane and breathed breath into our lives,  You called in the spirits of joy and celebration, sweetness and safety.  You are an alchemist, a magician of love, a gatherer of our people.

Maybe you didn’t even know it but you brought in the fairies and dusted our lives with an enchanted, pure, and innocent fun. Home was like a safe cocoon, a warm fuzzy blanket while you sipped hot cocoa at the fire, all because of your energy. You made our house a home with your sweet, nurturing, creative ways, your Divine Feminine presence.

You caressed and combed, cleaned and cooked with not a single complaint, even though all too often you didn’t get one darn thank-you.

So THANK-YOU mom for all the days you cleaned our clothes, washed our bedding, vacuumed the floors, scrubbed our toilets, ironed our fancy shirts, brought us to  practise, did the dishes alone, bought the groceries, took out the garbage, cooked us the most luscious meals and nobody noticed.  Today I take note, today I acknowledge for all the days I didn’t.  Thank you for nurturing the life spaces that made our life turn round.

Thank-you for the great big ball of love we got every day.  I didn’t know how to value what was so special and sacred then mom, but I do now!  I’m so sorry nobody noticed or took for granted what you did, cause what you did and still do is Divine.

You are far more what you did for us, you were the heart of our home, the epicenter of our family universe that kept the love and light circulating.  You bonded us by weaving love through us and all around.  You are a warrior, a sacred weaver of love webs.  You are a Divine Feminine Goddess who brewed up love and magic and our home was your cauldron.

To all the mothers, special aunties, grandma’s and sisters, you are the blooming flowers of the world, spreading colorful beauty, love and magical enchantment.  You are the “home”-makers or our houses, building us a safe, nurturing, cozy place to exist and grow.  You are the unicorns in the rainbows, the first snow flakes of the season.  You are the womb of all life, all love, all joy. You are the mermaids in the oceans, the full moon and shooting stars in the dark night sky.SACRED ART2

Take a bow, for you are a Goddess.

May you give yourself spoonfuls of your own Divine Love on this magical day.

I bow to you, I honor you.  You matter so much to this world.  You are the breath of all life.  You are the womb of creation.  You are the angel dust in the world, the unseen magical forces that circulates the pulse of the Divine.  You are so Sacred.

Cheers to you and your Divine Feminine, natural ways of Mother.  Happy Mother’s Day.