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June full moon Energy & Soul Connecting Rituals.

This full moon the energy feels alive, electric, vibrational and active. It feels like a very masculine energy, a time when we are extremely busy… the pulse, the beat, the tempo is very fast paced and quick. There’s a lot of energy output going on as we work on manifestation, creating, doing and growing during this time and season.

And yet the words “feminine root” ( from the book Wild Feminine) is circling my busy aura, as though the energy is calling for my attention like a screaming bird in the sky.

I know I need to balance the busy masculine energy with tender, juicy, slower paced , alive, wild feminine connection. It’s tenderness and savouring of the radiant colours and experiences of summer life. My schedule feels so busy yet the need to pause and find stillness even for ten minutes feels necessary as though I need it to keep breathing.

This moon and Mars retrograde asks us to evaluate our schedules and energies. Are we balancing the feminine and masculine or at least honouring both aspects of our souls even though we may be lingering in the masculine elements at this energetic time. Are we still paying homage to the feminine ?

We need to root into our feminine natures when they are calling us home. It’s in this root that we are refuelled and filled with life force energy. It’s where our aliveness is tasted and swallowed so our connection to our own feminine wild soul is felt and experienced. It’s a place of conversing with Spirit, our guides, our ancestors and even the moon and stars so the magic and purpose of life is restored and refocused. It’s a slight, calm magical pulse of aliveness. A beautiful calm and alive contradiction.

So on this full moon the Grandmothers ask us to harness our energies that are grand and wide like a roaring fire and find the calm centre epicentre of the burning. Be the wood logs, be the air in the fire, or the blue in the flames and find the calm in the busy, dancing roar.

Read a book, journal, sit by a fire, do a feminine yoga like Yin or Restorative yoga and balance the energies. Take a Sacred pause. Stillness and contemplation are being called of us right now in brief moments amid the flaming busy energy of our lives.

Here are some journal questions for self reflection and connection during this lovely full moon. Sit by fire or light a candle. Brew some tea or summer juice and light an incense or two. Breath in the radiant full moon aliveness. Inhale the moon beams and let its magic and sparkle radiate in your cells.

1). What are you most happy and grateful for in your life right now.

2) put in a timer for five minutes and don’t lift your pen until the timer goes off. Just write what comes…. “I would love…”.

3) Imagine Grandmother Moon to become some sort of being… a person, animal, plant or element and invite her sit with you by the moon lit waters edge in your minds eye. Notice the gentle warm breeze and the burning fire. Lay a blanket for her and ask her a question, challenge or struggle you’d like guidance on. Give her an offering such as food or a gift like a necklace or bracelet. Perhaps it’s a stone. What does grandmother moon look like in form ? Just sit with this lovely energy and let her presence calm you. Let her answer you and give you guidance to your question. When you receive her words tell her thank you and ask if you can meet again. Imagine her returning to the moon on a moon beam when you are done and gently return to the present. Journal about your experiences.

Happy full moon friends xo Crystal

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June New Moon Energy and Ritual

Chaos to calm, getting centered, finding clarity through confusion, learning, process, messages from the struggle, finding one’s way to calm and peace through the storm.

These are words that come to mind right now. It feels like a volcanic time with lots of emotional eruptions and loss of self or loss of centering. It’s a time of chaos and overwhelm to make us root back down into our selves. It’s a time of cleansing and purification, a deep learning about oneself through challenges and struggles.

I feel held and weighed down by overwhelm and I’ve let it consume me. The amount of energy coming at me has enveloped me and I’ve lost my way, I’ve lost my centre, my calm, my rooted stance. So I step back and take up more space than the chaos. I create even more space between me and the chaos and stand calmly at the centre of the storm as it swirls around me like wretched grey storm clouds spiralling in the winds. I don’t get pulled in, I just witness and stay calm, trusting that I will not get pulled in as I stand firmly in my strength and power. (Or at least remind myself over and over to go to the centre and find the calm).

I have been a ball of anxiety lately and as I sat with my anxiety I let it it become a being or a symbol. I let it speak to me as though it were it’s own energetic being. It showed up as a punk angry teenager with slicked, greasy hair, ripped jeans and a leather jacket… and it/he let me have it. It told me how angry he was and how I need to call my power and strength back rather than let it leak all over the place and move into chaos and overwhelm. It asked for structure and organization, a map for my energy. As I let its’ needs spew onto the page the heaviness lessened. I imagined walking into the overwhelm as my strongest self and allowed myself to envision an image of my inner warrior Queen. I’m wearing red, flowing clothes (for grounding I imagine ) and have diamond jewelled bindis between and above my eye browns. I’m tall and fierce and wear a head wrap around my hair. My stance is linear and majestic. I imagine being this Self with my eyes closed and allow that energy to spread and expand into my body, feeling the energy of my inner warrior Queen ooze into my blood vessels and pump throughout my body. I savour the breaths of this energy.

I stand and breathe in this place and invite you to do the same. Invite your struggles to speak to you. Close your eyes and imagine your challenge were a being. What does it look like? Old or young? Male, female, animal or nature? What colours or unique qualities do you notice. Let it tell you what it is trying to say through your body… perhaps you just want to write for five minutes (timed) and free flow without letting your pen leave the page. Hear your struggle and assure it you will do your part to ease the symptoms .

Call in a feeling of harmony, love, peace, calm, strength or whatever you need and imagine it to be a golden ball of light spreading and expanding through your body. Savour the breaths and breathe it in.

“This current challenge or struggle is here to strengthen you. It is a process of strengthening and learning of heart, body and soul. You are preparing for your “real work ” . This is simply the preparation, so embrace the learning.” ( a message from my guides).

Happy New Moon 😘

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An Energy Practise & Ritual for the December Full Moon.

Happy full moon friends. The energy may feel intense as we have a super moon meaning the moon will be bigger and brighter in the sky as it’s closer to the earth. It’s also when mercury goes retrograde. So lots of energy swirls and swoons moving us all around.

This full moon feels like a time of reflection and reconsiderations. It’s a time of laying out all the cards in our life and evaluating them. Take a look what do you see? For many of us we have tried to force or figure things out of how they are going to be but the Universe has instead thrown us some curve balls and removed the paths we thought we might take. It’s easy to feel defeated or uncertain but the Universe is asking us to trust that something greater is in the works. Something greater is in the matrix of manifestation if we can keep our energies open and trusting.

This is what retrogrades are all about… time to reflect and re-evaluate. It’s also a time to explore our need for renewal and refresh our energies. Just take a step back and observe while allowing the energies to tweak and peak as they need.

It’s tough to be patient and persevere but that is what this full moon is asking of us. We may need to take a new path and let something go even though this feels fearful and uncertain. It’s like we have a choice to go back to the old familiar way or risk to trust that there is a new form, a new way, a new balance emerging even though we can’t quite see the edges of it yet. It’s there …we can feel it… just dream it, sense it and call it in. Let it tickle your nose and call you into its energy.

Full Moon Energy Practise.

All we need to do this month is sit and breathe. It’s a time of practising trust and patience and envisioning ourselves feeling great and happy. Expect the best! Expect and believe that it will all work out . Make it an inner knowing… a softness inside. Feel the energy of it working out. Close your eyes and see yourself feeling your best. Feel it in your body where do you feel that ? What do you feel? Just sit in this energy throughout the month and allow the universal energies to untangle what is into what it is meant and needs to be. Take care of yourself this month. Spend time reflecting, breathing, listening. Get a massage or two, light some candles, make a fire, have some hot cocoa or tea. Let the Universe and Creation that lives all around you swaddle you like a warm fuzzy blanket and feel caressed and soothed while the energies work themselves out for your very best to emerge.

And so it is friends.

As always if you feel called, feel free to FOLLOW THE BLOG or the Women’s tribe Facebook page for Moon rituals and soul connecting activities. 😘

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July New Moon Energy Forecast & Meditation

Y’all enjoying the new moon energy ??  This moon cycle feels like change is ahead.. a change in pattern.  There is a clearing… a letting go… a calling back of our power and a release of the behaviours that don’t serve our highest good. There’s also releases of relationships and changes to the way we act and feel and need within them.   We start to express ourselves more and really focus on ourselves.  We become centre stage of our lives and this is pivotal on our soul path. 

I found myself cleaning out closets today and organizing them, giving away clothes and returning plastic bags for recycling.  There’s a cleaning up going on.  We are creating more space for our Self to emerge in our lives.  There’s also a lot of inner shifting going on.   We feel done participating in lower energentic ways and patterns… enough is enough.  We will not stay in places and connections that no longer feed us or we will stand our ground and express the need for new patterns and forms to take shape and grow in the places we already embody and exist within. 

It’s an interesting point, its like we are in a pocket of clarity and divine focus.  We want our deepest selves in our lives… we are being called back and out of those distractions and roles and patterns that keep us separated from our own inner jewel.

This can cause turbulence during this moon cycle as we change and change our participation in some relationships or roles.  There may me push back or clawing at our feet to pull us back down to lower energy planes.  

Trust .  Participate.  Step forward one step at a time.

New moon practise to carry throughout the entire moon cycle 🙂

A meditation for this months moon cycle.  Close your eyes… take in three to four deep breaths and exhale just as deeply.  Imagine it’s night time and you are sitting at a large fire.  It’s just dark sky and a giant fire in front of you.  An elder Native woman is there with you…she is there to guide and support you.  Imagine calling back all your power as though a bunch of luminous stars start floating back towards you and within you.  Feel how full and peaceful and confident it feels to hold all your own power.  You are strong and full of clarity!! Really let this feeling expand throughout your whole body !!  Let it expand into every cell of your being.  Feel your aura glow and expand.   Sit there and enjoy until you are ready to shift your attention back to your present space.
Happy New Moon!!

Xo

Crystal 

As always if you feel called I’d love it if you FOLLOWED MY BLOG 😘

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A Healing Ritual For the April Full Moon

moon lodgeHappy Full Moon Women’s Tribe 🙂  Here we are all the full moon and in the bingo bango bongo of four retrograde planets!  Eekers. It is a time evaluation, of reflection, of looking back at what needs to be healed in the past so we can carry forward with more ease and gentleness in the now and in our futures.  That is the gift of retrogrades.   It’s not always easy as our old stuff emerges and comes to the for front but heck, let’s let it.  Allow it.  Make room for it at the kitchen table as though it were your long lost aunt.  We must honor its’ existence and take a look.  Feel it.  Set it on its’ way…out of body, out of our bones, released from our tissue.

For me, I’ve been lingering in trauma memories.  I thought I had done my healing around this but life and emotional breakdowns, says the healing is not done.When I had my first baby my first husband just didn’t deal with the transition into fatherhood well and basically bailed.  He did it in a manner that was hurtful, in a way he knew best…to cheat and chose another woman.  My highest conscious Self knows that he wasn’t conscious or aware enough to talk and tell me that he was struggling or lost or unsure if he could handle being both a husband and father simultaneously.  And so he left and chose her.  He didn’t know how to say that he could not be who I needed or was asking of him so he acted it out to express it to me.  I get that on a soul level, but it was still emotionally and mentally devastating and one of the most painful experiences of my life.  (As well as the best thing that could have happened in the long run).  I associate having a baby with pain and struggle and loss.

I ended up on my own with baby, in a new apartment (he got the house), lost my job (found another), he got our dogs as he was in the house and me in an apartment.  And there I was in the threshold of new motherhood trying to keep my head above water, wondering if I could support myself and baby, manage motherhood and a full-time job, etc..etc..  It was devastating, so much change all at one time.  It was shocking actually.  I felt really abandoned and alone.  Navigating custody battles when you were wronged and nobody gave a poop was crazy making.  I struggled most with the fact that I could not be with my baby all the time cause of the choice he made, I had to lose time with my son.  I had to share custody.  There was little to no consequence for him or his actions…he got to keep the house (he did have to buy me out), he had his regular job, and he got what he wanted…to be a part-time dad all by betraying our vows, lying, and being with another woman.  I on the other hand got my world shattered and was continually told in court that I had to keep the emotional stuff separate from the custody, like I was not supposed to have feelings for what I went through.   I was treated like the problem, not him.  CRAZY. MAKING!

Anywho…years have passed.  I’m happily remarried with a new baby who’s almost 9months old.  Well my husband has been working out of town for the last few months and I have been on my own with the kids for weeks at a time.  It has totally triggered all those memories.  The emotions, the forgotten dark times, the memories I blocked out…all coming back with a vengeance….to the point I cry and cry and cry.  I’ve done trauma therapy, emotional release work, journalling, creative expression, you name it…I’ve released so much and yet the memories of being on my own with a baby linger in my gut, in my blood, in my immune system.  There is more to be released.

This full moon is asking us to revisit past sore spots and evaluate how they impact the now.  What’s been coming up?  An old relationship?  An old patter of self-sabotage or job loss or endings, break-ups, loss in general?  Allow it my friends. Pull out the chair and have it sit down with you.

FULL MOON HEALING RITUALsacred body 2

Find a cozy space, light a candle and some incents.  Have a cup of tea or a glass of wine and grab and pen and paper.  We are going to write a letter to ourselves in the past that was struggling (And still has some to release).  We are going to offer this part of ourselves what she needs.

Allow what comes…..but here’s some points to remember to include.

-Honor and recognized and validate your younger self’s feelings and experiences.

-Ask that part of you what she needs.

-Allow her to answer.

-Imagine bringing this part of you to a time in your past where you experienced and received what she is needing.  So if you are needing to feel love or trust, remember a time when you did.  Who’s with you.  What are you doing?  What season is it?   What time of day?  What are you doing together?  What are the smells in the air.  What colors and temperature is it?  Breathe in the sensation of experiencing what she/you needs.  Where do you feel it?  See it as a ball of energy and let it spread throughout your body, allow the feeling to expand and really experience it sensationally for a few minutes.

Write about it…and bring her back now with the memories.

 

Here’s mine.

To my 28 year old self,

First off, I see you. I hear you. I honor you.  I know how much pain you endured and you still carry.  I see it, I feel it, I honor that it’s there.  I think you are so strong for making it, for carrying on, for doing what you need to do to survive and care for your son.  I’m so proud of you.

I know you are struggling, I see you, I feel you, I hear you with all the emotions that you are arising within me….what do you need my love?

I need to feel not so alone…not so abandonned, not so isolated like I have to everything myself.  I feel trapped and caged and scared.  It’s so heavy and painful to carry it all myself.  I can’t believe I have to do this myself.

As I reflect on when I have felt the most supported and loved and held is when I was in Lynn Andrews School.  My classmates were my sisterhood.  And so I bring her to one of our circles and fires where they all gave me healing and love.   They drummed and rattled and held me in loving energy like I never felt before.  I was one of them, and they were part of me.  They held me, they supported me, they were always there for me, even though we lived all over the world.  I let them offer to her what they offered me then.  I imagine her feeling the drum beat and the sound of the rattles….we are in a dark space with candles and fairy lights and the smell of sage burning lingers in the air.  I tell her to let the drum fill her body up with strength and support and to feel the love.  I tell her to look into the fire and hear it crackle and to see how a web of women in the spirit world also connected to her and holding her, the Sisterhood of the Shields, the Grandmothers, her guides, her power animals, her ancestors, the fairies…they are all surrounding her and with her at all times giving her strength and power.   They all have a hand on her shoulder, she is the farthest thing from alone. I ask her to imagine that strength and love and power is like gold dust being sent from everyone in the room and in the energy world to her.  I ask her to imagine it going in her and with each inhale in her body and with each second that passes she is being beamed with the light of strength and sisterhood.

I close my eyes and feel the sensations with her.  I feel the web of women weaving love around me and her supporting us and holding us.    Each drum beat strengthens us with inner power and confidence.   I tell her to see it filling her body, to feel the confidence and love and support.  She does and so do I.  I can see she feels stronger and supported…a shift has happened I feel it in my heart chakra.  I thank everyone at the circle with us for such a powerful experience and I grab her hand and go through a door that lingers in a giant boulder into the now… bringing with us the felt experience and gifts of support and love and strength into the now.  I imagine putting a shawl on her to remind her of the hands that hugged her and literally have and touched her back offering their support.  I allow that image of her feeling stronger with her shawl in my heart to expand and fill my body.

And so it is….

 

Happy FULL HEALING MOON.

xo Crystal

If you feel called, I’d be so honored if you followed the BLOG or the Women’s Tribe Facebook Page.

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Aries New Moon Ritual

Happy New Moon and the beginning of the New Astrological Year in Aries.  Woot woot.  The first New Moon in Aries starts another cycle around the zodiac and I always look forward to this moon.  It feels like another New Year feeling, a fresh beginning, a new clean slate.  Spring has begun to wake up and the ice in the river is cracking and the water is slowly starting to flow again.  We are waking up from hibernation and frozen-ness (I know not a word lol).  Life is beginning Her new cycle from death to birth once again.

This winter has been tough on me.  My family has been hit with a ton of sickness.  I sit here writing this with a current bout of pneumonia.  I have lost my sense of power this winter and it has showed up in my lungs, it has come as grief…as I can’t catch my breath remembering.

A circumstance of change threw me into a situation that I hate.  It brought me to my knees and back into painful trauma memories.  I felt like I was barely surviving only treading water and minimally keeping a float for months.  I have waited for the circumstance to change so I can get my power back, my well-being, and my sense of stability.  But the reality it is not changing for awhile.  So I must find my power again on my own.  I feel like I must rummage through a dark field and look for large gems that fell out of my soul, pick them up, put them in my basket and bring them back home.

So here’s the deal, this is a time of transformation and change and turning of the wheel and season.  Life is literally going to re-emerge in front of our eyes.

So plan 1…radical self-care.  I must strengthen my physical body.  I have 10 weeks left in this change of life and I am making weekly self-care goals and plans.  I’m arranging baby-sitters and potential outing/gathering opportunities.  This is part of gathering my soul marbles and gems back into my heart and body.

Plan 2…I have two goals that I want to complete and finish this season.  I will plan goals for this as well…one of them to start is to get ink for my printer as step one!  Its creating space and time and for the next ten weeks I feel called to focus.  Plan.  Start. Do.

What are your plans?

ARIES NEW MOON RITUAL:fortune teller

Light those candles, ignite your incense, invite over a friend or two and get out your paper and pens.  It’s time to dream, to go to the depths and beyond, the other worlds and invoke our lives with NEW LIFE.  So here we go…

Imagine that you are sitting across from A Wise and Loving Guide, a fabulous Intuitive/Seer and she pulls out a tarot deck.  She asks you flip as many cards as you feel you need.  What cards do you flip?  This is a unique deck, perhaps a never before seen deck and it has an image or word meant specifically to you.  There is no right or wrong, just what is.   Flip a card and ask the Wise and Loving Guide to give you a message with each one.  Just let what come, come and see what is there.  What messages do the cards have for you?

Ready, set go…write it out just float to the clouds with your pen.

At the end of your reading with this Wise, Intuitive, Loving Guide gives you a rock with a symbol on it.  What is the symbol?  What does it mean for you?  Grab it and pull it inward into your heart.  Soak in the blessing.

Grab a marker and a rock and make it come alive!!!

When you are done, imagine returning to your own body.  Grab a stone or rub your feet on the ground.

Happy Astrological New Year, and a year FULL OF LIFE and JOY!! And so it is.

xo

Crystal  .  As always I’d feel so honored and blessed if you FOLLOWED MY BLOG and Liked the Women’s Tribe Facebook Page.  🙂

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How my Old Marriage Showed up as Plantar Fasciitis in my Feet.

bodyhealingFunny things happen to your body post baby.  I was seven years younger last time and this time it’s definitely harder to rebound back.   I hurt more, I’m slower paced, crickedy in the ole’ bones.

In mind/body therapy, the body is seen as a sacred messenger, a literal expression of internal emotions, memories, un-recognized feelings, soul needs or patterns of old ways of doing life that have resulted in injury.

My problem has been in my feet, mostly my left foot. I can barely walk some mornings. Such as strange thing for me. I know pregnancy ignited the ligament issues but my Lordess, do they hurt like never before.

The podiatrist says it’s tendinitis and Plantar Fasciitis. Oye.  For me my pain radiates from the bottom of the outside of my foot up to my ankle, almost as though the tendon is just so tight, it literally can’t stretch as far as it needs to.

So what are my wise old feet trying to tell me? As I close my eyes and sit with them, they tell me I’m still getting my footing and bearings with our new family circle and the shifts required in that.  The memories of my old life that got pulled out from under my feet the last time I had a baby, lingers in the cells of my precious feet.  They feel cautious, uncertain if they can securely lay roots and ground.  They wonder if it will be safe based on the memories of my ex-husband’s infidelity and the loss of everything I had last time my other baby was born.   This translates into me over-doing everything, trying to be a good wife and mom so that my husband won’t leave (even though I know he won’t cause he’s a good man this hubby).  I take little time for myself to try and ensure he’s coping okay and won’t bail on me like my first husband but this old outdated, wounded belief is showing up in the ligaments of my feet.  I’m exhausted, depleted, over-stretched, tired of serving everyone else but myself.  I need to balance the scales…and my feet!

 In her book The Secret Language of Your Body, Inna Segal lists some contributing factors with foot issues as…

  • feeling stuck, bogged down, obligated to others, missing the big picture.

In particular she gives special attention to each foot.  The left foot in as in my case reads (pg.42)

“Disconnected from your needs.  Too much focus on the outside world and what you need to do for others….Dragging pain from the past or from difficult relationships.  An imbalance between giving and receiving.  “

The ankle (left) (pg.13)

“Difficulty tuning in to yourself and listening to your own counsel. Belief that you have to be a slave to others, especially your children, your partner or your work.  Not spending enough time nurturing yourself and discovering what is important to you.”

Holy bananas…right?!

So if anything, my feet…my wise crickedy body – is saying that in order for me to find my footing again I must create more space for me in my own life.  I must tend to my own needs alongside the needs of others.  I need to carve out me time, fun time, creative time.  I also need to let go of the old memories from the last marriage that have lingered into my new life.

In shamanism, illness occurs when we have somehow lost our sense of power and connection to the Universe and I must admit this is true for me.  The trauma of the dissolution of my last marriage that resulted in me losing my house, my dogs, my marriage, and my security, all with a new baby in tote…has put me in a role of servant out of fear.  I fear I will be abandoned again (only a small part of me, but I guess deep down the fear is seeping in my tissues). So here I go listing my most radical fears to get it out of my body…

-I fear if I am not everything perfect, perfect mom, wife, perfect body, he will leave and find someone else.

-If I don’t hold most of the load he will feel overwhelmed and leave because he won’t be able to handle it,

-I can sacrifice more, I’m stronger that way, I can suffer more and bear it than him, this way he won’t leave.

Those are the fears that live at the root of my actions to put myself last.  They come from my first marriage, from a partner that was never enough and that was our relationship contract.  I gave and gave and he took.  I need to surrender these memories, these old ways of balance in parenting and plant them in the soil to decompose and turn into something new.  I will literally do this, list them and plant them in the soil to rest.  Maybe on rocks, maybe on paper.

To be in my power is to know that I can connect to my needs, express them, tend to them, do what I need in balance of the needs of others. I need not sacrifice myself to receive and maintain love and if so, it is not really love, nor a healthy relationship.  New cellular beliefs…

Both parents and spouses have the responsibility to equally hold their share.

-I can ask for what I need and allow myself to go out and get it or to receive it.

-I don’t have to be perfect, I can have failures and still be loveable and loved.

-I can express and meet my own needs which means letting my husband hold the fort and me taking a break from it.

I ask my guide for some further direction and she says, “There’s a letting go here that must occur, a softening,  a release, a surrendering of the fearful memories and paralyzing fear. Soften into your power and stand tall no matter what.  Meet your needs first no matter what and all else, including your foot and alignment will fall into place.  You will be loved, you are love.”

Isn’t the body amazing?  What a journey that was.

So if you want to understand your own body’s magic wisdom here are a few steps.

  1. Close your eyes and take a few breaths, allow yourself to move into relaxation and calmness.
  2. Move your attention to the place in your body that is giving you some pain or struggle.  List words, feelings, sensations that come to find as you move your attention there.  Literally write them down or doodle images that come to mind.
  3. Imagine that part of your body became an alive person, and ask it some questions…what are you feeling? What are you trying to tell me through the pain? What are you needing? How can I offer you some relief and healing?
  4. Imagine a loving, healing, supportive guide come and place their healing energy onto the place of discomfort in your body.  Ask this guide to tell you what would help for further and deeper healing.

 

And so it is my friends.

If you feel called, I’d love it if you FOLLOWED THE BLOG of the Women’s Tribe Facebook Page.  

 

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A Fall New Moon, A Call Inward & 10 Ways to Connect to Your Wild.

fall-moonAhhhh..Fall time.  My favorite time of year!!  I’m not sure if it is the shades of yellow and red, the smell of cinnamon and cardamon or the cool crisp breeze but it’s such a comforting, nurturing time of year.  Not to mention,  I get to pull out my funky boots, sweaters and the gazillion scarves I own.  I love love love the Fall. There’s something so captivating, so life re-igniting about the season of falling leaves.

As the trees shed their glory I find I tend to shed my layers of “stuff” collected through the year.  It’s a time of processing and sorting out what I’m going to bring with me into winter and what I am not.  I feel summoned to my soul roots and this year is no different.

This New Moon is calling me inward, deep into the cavernous soil of my unconscious.  I feel like I’m beginning to carve out my cave for winter hibernation.  The places of myself I have left on the back-burner are now howling their wound songs like wolves on the full moon night.  I must face my dark, the uncomfortable pockets of soul truth and often emotional discomfort that are trying to guide me on my soul path.  Sometimes, it just ain’t pretty.  I wish it were different or that I was stronger or less sensitive but truth is Truth.  It’s sometimes tough stuff to face but we must swaddle it and hold it until it gives us it’s message.  It’s even harder to try and talk about with others, sometimes I feel like they look at me and think, “what’s wrong with you?” but I have these emotions and I choose to honor them.  Every time I ask Spirit, what’s my purpose here…they tell me it is to feel.  Hmmm…lucky me lol.  So here I go showing you my soul bones.

As many of you know I gave birth to my second son in July.  Babies are lovely aren’t they!!!???…. but they are also difficult.  Birthing is such a life changing experience.  I love being a mom but I must admit it’s a real struggle at times.  It can feel for me like the walls are caving in around me and the traditional role of woman -tending to baby, cooking, cleaning etc.” is hard to get around.  It stirs something deep in me that doesn’t sit right.  It’s not that my husband doesn’t do these things but he’s working all day, so a lot of falls in my responsibility basket.

I struggle with those old traditional roles and having a baby puts you right back into them.  Do I fight this or surrender into it?  What is it that I struggle with exactly?  Is it just ancient, ancestral memories of all the nurturing and giving energies left unnoticed or taken for granted of the women in my ancestral line?  Is it that I just don’t like those roles and would rather go to work or cut grass and shovel the snow?   I wonder what it means to be a woman these days, it’s so multi-faceted, so many responsibilities and balls in the air.  I feel like definition of womanhood is changing but I’m somewhat caught between what it used to be and the territory that is not yet fully defined or grounded.  What does a different definition look like and how does that translate into my everyday life?  There’s likely not just one answer I suppose.  It’s like trying on many pairs of pants and seeing which one we like the most, it’s somewhat directionless, we must create our own direction and that can feel lonely but I imagine the struggle with the in between is felt everywhere.  Change involves many things…having a voice, confidence to use it and strong boundaries.  Eeeekkk…right?!  It’swimming in un-chartered territory…sometimes alone.

There are days when I feel like my wild, free roaming soul feels caged in the traditional roles of life and she shakes the bars in the jail cell expressing her inner irritation and ravenous need to roam into the magic territories.   I feel it as a raw, deep restlessness, an inner anxiety or extreme boredom.

I fought my ass off to find myself And reconnect to my soul and I don’t want motherhood to wipe that away… But how to tend to this?  I figure that my sacred task is to explore how can I bring my wild soul into my motherhood and even further into my everyday life.  (For some of us it will be how to bring your wild soul into your life in general or into your workplace, parenting, volunteering…etc.)   I know based on my own history that this connection is my lifeline to wellness so I must bring her back, I must breathe my breath back into her before she rebels…

I think Paul Coelho in Eleven Minutes sums it up perfectly.

“I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved.
I’m a housewife and a wanderer, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.”

I don’t want to battle anymore.  I want to create space for them both, like an intertwined braid of who I am.  I want both aspects of myself to live and exist in my life.  At times this might mean bringing my creativity into my parenting or cooking or my holiday themeing.   Other times it might mean I need alone time, self-connection by MYSELF in a yoga studio, or in the bush or on a retreat.  Other times it will be a Kumbaya session with my moon buddies…I guess it really means I need to regularly check-in and feel out what my wildness needs…what my soul craves, what my heart wants.  The pants I need or like will likely keep changing.  And then, I must commit to following through on those needs like it were the third child I was parenting and tending to.

Sometimes I feel like there is a whole side to the “mom” role that can feel a bit artificial, a bit like a mask, a hiding from the depths of myself because it’s so demanding and busy.  I know I can get caught in this perpetual self-sacrificing gig and then the resentment, the dissatisfaction, the martyrdom bubbles and oozes out of my pores like an overflowing cauldron.  I get jealous of my husband’s ability to go to work or go outside and work on projects.  I want that too, I want me time but I rarely take it and that’s fully on me because then I seem to open the giant boxes of guilt inside when I do.  I know the hubby’s more than willing to hold the reigns while I do what I need or want to do but he says I just need to ask him to help.  Part of me feels pissy about the fact I need to ask for parenting help and pull him away from his outside tasks.  

Sometimes I feel there’s an addiction to achieving that perfect ideal.  You know, the perfect mom syndrome.  If I do a, b, c,d, e, f, g, h, i j, k and then l,m,n, o,p…well than I can feel like I’m being a good mom.  Maybe that it’s this whole concept that being a “good mom” is in doing things like breastfeeding, home cooking, perfect house cleaning, perfect body looking mom, etc etc.  Sometimes we try and portray how “together” we are when I bet many of us weave in and out of feeling good and then struggling, then feeling good again.  I wish we’d talk and support each other more in this.   I think being a woman is being more than mom, there’s more parts to us than this.  And at times I feel like motherhood is trying to overtake my life and bully every other part of me out…and that’s when the bits of doom start punching me right in the gut.

What if mothering were instead about who we are rather what we do, sharing the elements of our soul, our characters, our authenticity, and our presence with our families and maintain a good balance of the Self rather than an ideal of superwoman and self-sacrificer?  I wave my white flag and claim the gig is up… it’s hard and I don’t have my shit together and a good sense of balance at the moment.

So on this first New Moon of the Fall/Autums season I feel summoned to re-commit to my many parts, not just my motherhood. I commit to feeding my need for connection, aliveness and creativity. I commit to claim and experiencing my wildness.

So here are 10 ways to dive into my deep realms.  Will you join me?  I hope so 🙂

I invite you to join me in honoring all parts of you.  Schedule in times to feed your soul, say Tuesday evenings, or on the new and full moons.

1) Get out of the house, take a brisk walk even for five minutes.  This really helps me ground and get some new grounded bearings and perspective.  There are no caving in walls outside 😉

2) Go for coffee with yourself and a book or a journal or a friend.

3) Get creative, collage, write a story, paint, refurbish furniture, do a kids craft.

4) Yoga it up

5) Dance it aloud, even just put on music, that can shift you immediately.

6)  Look for one day retreats in your area that you can attend and sign-up!  Think of that one full day of you time…yesssss!!!!

7)Have a pot luck dinner with friends or family.

8) Go on date night.

9) Light candles and incents, turn down the lights and bask in the glow and crisp energy of the Autumn moon.  Or better yet have a fire outside..in the dark..have blankets and journals or songs and friends.

10)  Take a class, a meditation class, a writing class, an art class, a wine tasting class.  Just feed your need to grow and expand.

Make space for your wild even in your work life, or motherhood or marriage.  Adapt and slow down your life to make room if you must.  It is our life lines to ourselves, our well-being, our own fulfillment and joy.  Honor your dark and light, that is life.

If you feel called, I’d love it if you FOLLOWED THE BLOG or Liked the Women’s Tribe Facebook Page.

And so it is

xo

Crystal

Uncategorized

The Power of Accepting Powerlessness

power2Hi friends.

It has been awhile. My life got busy with the arrival of our newest son Cedar Rain.  He is just over 2.5 weeks old.  We love him to pieces!!!

However, it has been an interesting road post baby.

As many of you know I have a blood/immune disorder that affects my health when I’m not well, stressed, recovering, etc.  So it is back with a vengeance since labouring the babes.  As such my body isn’t making as much milk as he needs because, well, it can’t.  It doesn’t have the energy stores.  I’ve met with public health nurses, lactation consultants, etc…they all say the same, ” You must take care of you first.  You need to do some formula, you may need to consider stopping breastfeeding.”

This is tough, I so wanted to breastfeed solely, and yet I can’t physically do it.  My body goes into extreme stress.  So here I am between my head and my body.  My head thinks I should breastfeed, it’s the right thing to do, it’s the best for baby…blah blah blah.  This is the perfectionist part of me that seems to emerge when I have a baby.  I want to be the most perfect mom, the mom that does everything according to the book and the experts so my baby has the best chance of….what, I am not sure.

This attitude, this addiction, carries with it beliefs that I must always perform, succeed, accomplish, do everything exactly as expected, to be impeccable at all times, no flaws, no limitations, no challenges or imperfections. I am just supposed to achieve the ideal mothering standard point blank, it’s what “good moms” do.  I know, I know it’s not possible and yet my mind warp speeds around spinning my brain, convincing me I’m failing somehow if I’m not perfect or if I can’t walk the ideal, supreme road.  So here I am coming at it face to face to deal with these illusions and destructive addictive thinking that emerges at times.

My husband has said numerous times, “you are way too hard on yourself.”  I see this, I know this, but yet I get caught in the perfectionist, false ideal state trap and at times struggle to get out of the blanket it throws on me.

So I do what I know, and go to a place of power in my mind’s eye.  A place where I feel strong and centered.   I’m brought to a ceremonial fire we had at Ghost Ranch, New Mexico with Lynn Andrews.  It’s night time, in the desert, the air is a bit crisp but the fire exudes a bright, luminous glow.  I feel strong and calm as the warmth of the flames caress my face.  I ask a guide to come a talk to me and who shows but Ruby Plenty Chiefs, a grandmother, a member of the Sisterhood of the Shields (in Lynn Andrews books).  Ruby is fierce, firm, takes no shit form nobody.  She’s in your face fierce, full of power and will call you to it if she feels you leaking your energy.  She looks at me as says, “own what is and move on.”

It’s so point blank, so raw, poignant, truthful…honest.  It’s so simple and yet sooooo complex and difficult.  It’s exactly where I struggle.  I fall into the drudgery, the pit of self-loathing or wishing something other than what is and try and adjust reality to make it fit what I hoped or wanted.  I spin my wheels trying to force what I want rather than allow and accept what is. I fight and fight like a ravenous, starving wolf fighting off prey for a morsel of food.  And I fall in the darkness, the pit of sadness and pain.  I struggle and struggle until I can not struggle anymore and finally accept what was there in the first place, now beaten down, exhausted and defeated.

What if I honored what is and owned it, confidently, fiercely, powerfully, and peacefully rather than struggle against it? What if I found my power by accepting my powerlessness in the situation at hand and trusted that somehow this was Divine Law, the what is of the process.

I admit, I worry about what others will think, and about what I think of myself because there are these “ideals” out there that I feel I “should” be following.  The nurses tell me many women choose not to breastfeed cause they hate it, they don’t enjoy it so they don’t do it.  I find that powerful to know what you want and own it, to choose it regardless of what others think.  It’s powerful to choose your own truth and do what is best for you, whatever the scenario, even if it’s against the grain, even it’s not really what you hoped but it’s what you must do.  This is the learning.

“When the shield carrier reaches the top of the mountain, she never seeks approval, because approval is based on doubt…Power lies in individuality and the ability to see yourself through your own eyes, not through the eyes of another.  To be in power,you must take your power and exist within your own individuality.”(Lynn Andrews Individuality Power Deck Card.)

Therein lies my issue.  I seek approval, I seek validation, I seek the nod that what I am doing is okay by others rather than from myself.  I leak my power and don’t own what is in my energy field and try and shape it into the form I believe will get approved and validated instead of accepting what actually is.

I lose the flow of life my trying to inflect my own will, my own need for approval and a lack of trust in myself and Divine law.  I see Ruby in my power place laughing, and she says,”you take yourself so seriously, do you think breast milk or formula has any bearing on the other side (spirit world), hahahahaha?  It is not the point, you are missing the lesson.  Laugh at yourself little girl, you are being silly.”

“See how you have chosen your illusions, as others have, and seek to feel the laughter that hold together the daily dream.  Self-importance blinds you to the source of joy an humor.” (exerpt from the Humor Card from the Power Deck.)

So here I am owning my illusions, my need for approval.  I see that my leaking valve of power is my addiction to perfection so I don’t have look at my limitations, my weak or less strong spots.  I pretend they don’t exist and try and exude the image, the ideal standard when my limitations are needing recognition.  My limitations need there own attention and actions.

So on this New Moon cycle, I try to own what is and allow what needs to be to be.  I allow joy and humor back in my life by taking life and my roles a little , no a lot… less seriously.  I am not perfection.  I have limitations, I have weaknesses, I have struggles and places of physical limitation I can not control and I can own that.  I am not a perfect mother and I won’t harm my child by being imperfect.  I can accept that. I can own my limitations, my powerlessness in the situation to find my power, to find strength.

And so it is.

Hope ya’ll are having a healing New Moon cycle with many bouts of laughter, humor and joy.

🙂

As always, if you feel called Follow the Blog and the Women’s Tribe Facebook Page.

xo

Crystal

Full Moon, healing, meditation, Uncategorized, womens health

April Full Moon- A Healing Inner Journey Ritual

fullmoonaprilOkay, here it is on a silver platter…my triggers, my wounds, my scabs and scars.  This full moon is shining her light upon them.  We are being called to heal, to dig deeper, to follow the pain to it’s root.

And this is mine…I hate it when I don’t feel heard.  I hate feeling like someone is trying to dominate or control me.  I want to shriek to the mountain tops and yell, just fricken listen to me!  Hear me, respect me and honor my perspective.  This is an eon old wound for many of us, one that has likely been passed from generation to generation.  We have been silenced by dominance, by fear, by control.  And we are now finding our power but with this awakening is the transcending of the old wounds.

I was used to surrendering my power and my voice, it was my pattern. Now, it has shifted to me being overly on guard, protective and at times demanding when my wound is cracked open…sad but humbly true. I’m reactive in the guts and blood of my hurt and I want control while I’m in the battle ground of the old painful memories.  I have sadly at times become dominant and controlling in the face of feeling unheard.

I’m so afraid of falling back to powerlessness and voicelessness I swing to the other side of the tracks and exert defensiveness, doubt and assume the worst possible outcome in a situation or about another.  This happens after trauma. You feel like everything is un-safe at first until slowly but surely, you have moments of safety and trust again.  Yet the memory, the pain of  betrayal and of hurt lurks underneath taunting your belief structures….”Assume the worst…protect yourself…assume they will fail or hurt you…be cautious…”

Here’s the deal, I used to surrender all my needs and wants in my relationships timidly and passively and I got very burned in my last marriage (that ended).  As a protective response I have been so focused on my needs and wants completely so they would not fall to the wayside once again that I have kept on my protective metal suit out of fear.  It has become my patterned response out of the memory of being so broken and hurt.  I armor up in situations that don’t need armoring, rather than be a sharer of power.  I placed myself first (which is lovely) but can border on selfish and inappropriate in a union.  There are two people’s needs in relationships, not just one.  It’s a balance of compromise, compassion, kindness, and understanding. I have wanted all of that myself and I have not always offered it.  I was victimizing myself when I wasn’t being victimized, only remembering the memories of my timid stance and ways in old relationships as a result have acted dominant. (not always but sometimes, when the button is really hit).

There sure are power battles in my relationship and I think we are finding a way to both feel like we have a sense of power together, in union.  Sometimes I will lead and other times I will let him lead.  This is hard for me…to let him lead.  It doesn’t always have to go my way, I don’t have to go take the reins all the time.  I can trust.

This is the essence of this Full Moon.  It is summoning up the wounds, the core, the muck at the root so we can really, really heal.  The loss of my voice, the silencing of my voice, the lack of use of my voice…these are my issues.  This moon is calling us to explore our sense of personal power and how that translates in our lives…and in our relationships.

It’s time to apply the balmy healing salve to heal it once and for all.

I have been reactive in my triggers in the last few months and since the New Moon I am more focused on witnessing and responding.  I am seeing the other and offering them what I need and want in the moment…to be heard. I’m offering kindness and respect rather than rage and even though things are emerging, they are not exploding like little hand-bombs in my everyday life.

So on this full Moon I invite you to take a step back and witness the chaos. As Lynn Andrews says, “stand in the eye of the storm and let it swirl around you while you stay rooted up against a tree.”  Things are changing, swirling, moving and we are asked to stand in the storm and allow it.  There is healing in change, in the swirls, in the upheaval that can emerge when we open the can of woundedness.  Allow it in…trust in the path and the Great Mother herself.

FULL MOON INNER JOURNEY RITUAL full moon journey

Spark up those candles and incense, take a few deep breaths and float into the dream world.

Imagine you are in a safe, calm, peaceful place, whatever that is for you..  Go with whatever comes up first.  I want to imagine that a wise and loving presence is walking towards you.   What do you see?  Who is this presence? Do they have a name?  What do they look like or what are some unique features about this presence.

They take a seat beside you and you notice too that the wounded part of yourself is there too. What do you notice about this part of you?

Ask the wise and loving presence how you can help your wounded self heal and clear old worn out fearful ways of living.

What old belief structures need healing and releasing?

What if love enveloped you and you felt safe and cared for, supported?  How would your wounded self feel and think differently?

Journal your about your journey inwards and enjoy the healing benefits of wisdom and love.

Feel your feet on your floor or ground, blow out your candles and bring your hands to your own heart in gratitude and self-love.

Aho!

Here’s my journey:

My wise and loving presence is an old Native woman who I have worked with before in my dreams.  I see my wounded self in head to toe body armor like a tin soldier and yet underneath the armor I know there is a wise and growing woman.  What do I do to help heal this part of me I ask my grandmother presence?

“Take off her armor,” she says.

It feels raw and vulnerable as I remove the metal shields.  Now what I ask?  How can I help her feel stronger and transcend the past?

I see her implanting healing crystals all over my wounded self’s body where I feel weakened and fearful.   She wraps me in scarves and says, this is gentler than metal armor.  Love can still come in.

I can feel my heart still has a hole…a weak spot.  She puts her hand over my chest and I can feel warmth.

“Time will help.  New experiences will help. What is the belief here?” she asks me as she continues to feel my heart energy.

I’m so afraid to go through such loss again, I’m not sure I’d make it this time.

“Are you willing to lose out on life just in case you might have more loss? My sweet girl, there will always be loss but there is also a lot of good life. If you keep the armor on you will create your own loss.  You will lose love anyways.”

I’m so afraid for things to fall apart again after I have finally just rebuilt them.  What if something happens to my baby?  What if my marriage crumbles?  What if I’m unable to return to work…what if, what if,what if??????

“Take a breath sweet girl,” she says.  Fear has enveloped you. What if love enveloped you?  What would you think, see and feel?”

I’d see the wonder and amazing blessings I have in my life, I’d be focused on this and not the potential of loss.  I’d be ecstatic that I’m having a baby, and allow in my excitement rather than shut it down.  I’d enjoy the blissful moments of my marriage more often, in fact I’d probably create them more often.  I’d see the sunshine and the grass growing and my beautiful, cozy, safe home.  I’d feel how blessed I am and full my heart is rather than an empty fear.  I’d be joyous.

“So let the scarves of love envelop you each morning and inhale the joy and wonder in your life,” she says.

She kisses my forehead and tells me to call upon her anytime.

And so it is!!!

Much love

xo

Crystal

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Photo 1 – tealhealing.blogspot.com

phote 2 – white wolf journeys. com