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A Healing December Full Moon Ritual

The last full moon of the year, and a supermoon ta boot!  Yup the moon is closest to the earth, intensifying it’s effects on our emotional bodies.  …yeehaw and oh boy! I don’t know about you but I have been may moon2spewing emotion out of nowhere…tears fall out suddenly and surprisingly as a pour a cup of tea or as I drive down the snowy road, they just abruptly float down my cheeks.  I feel raw and vulnerable, stripped down to my bones.  The Universe at large is asking us to surrender our defenses, no more fearful living and just to trust at the door of lingering change ahead.  I don’t know what is around the road but there’s something and all we can do is walk the path of the unknown one step, or pearl strand at a time until we can see it and know what it is.

This is a big moon…a real big cleansing, a pull from the moon for you to release all the armor that blocks you from receiving love and abundance. All the fear padding you wear will be played with, toyed with, shaken loose for you to look.  And you feel naked, raw, emotional, and down right scared.  I feel a duty to tell you that you must feel what is there if you’d like it to transform.  Just sit with it in the moment it arises and see it through, so you can release it.  This is no easy feat, we are usually used to squirming our way out the emotions or distract ourselves into numbness.

FULL MOON RITUAL:

Now is time to allow what the moon is calling out of us to emote and simply see it through.  Do so on this Full Moon…emote with me, with the Sacred Feminine and Grandmother Moon and feel the divinity and healing in this sacred act.  What are you afraid of? What is coming up?  Are you angry? Annoyed? Sad? Why? Write it out…literally list it all on a page.  I’m mad at….I’m annoyed that…I’m scared of….

Get that stuff out and have a pity party on the page.  Allow yourself to open to what is there so you can release it.  Release it by burning it.  How can you let go and surrender into love and what is?  Now list the the qualities you need at this time…and imagine those qualities as symbols.  Go on…stretch your imagination and just allow what comes.  For me I need trust and faith and I when I think or an image or symbol that represents that I imagine Grandmother Moon beaming her loving hands down to my heart and inserting crystals all over my body.  They radiate peace and trust, they make me feel secure and calm.  I breathe in the feeling of that feeling and keep imaging the crystal powers spreading throughout my entire being.  Imagine your symbols entering your body and spreading out so that all the cells of you can feel what its’ like to have what you need to carry onward down the road of life.

All the old wounds have been summoned, even when you thought you have worked it out, the last seeping fluid of it floating around in your body will be called out so you can start 2017 a new, cleared, focused…ready for what lies ahead.  And here’s the kicker, it still isn’t clear what is around the bend of 2017.  It is new, it is different, it is a change but we still can’t put our finger on what the heck that is how it will translate for us in our lives.

For me I just found out my husband will be working out of town for chunks at a time starting in January and oh boy has this stirred up some deep emotion in me.  When I had my first baby, my first husband bailed and I was left to my defenses and a baby.  I lost everything, the house, the dogs, my job, my peace, my security, my trust in others.  I fought and fought and I survived. I survived by padding up, by not needing anybody, living totally on my own, independent, and stopped reaching for help…I stopped trusting in people for fear of getting hurt.  I didn’t lean on anybody but myself, that felt safest.  I closed my heart.

Seven years later (and my second baby with my amazing new husband), I’ve opened my heart again.  I can trust again because of the good man in my life, who is consistent, who shows up, who honors his word time and time again.  I have felt safe and secure enough over and over to allow myself to be more dependent on him…or at least more interdependent.  I still struggle to ask for help but I’m getting there and I express my needs more (sometimes lol) rather than struggle along “independently” doing everything myself.  And now he’s leaving (but he’s not, he’s just going on periodic work trips) but my body is registering his leaving as abandonment.  My fear has skyrocketed out of my bones and the memories of being a single mom, alone, nobody to depend on, nobody to protect me, a loss of safety and security are erupting out of my cellular memory.  Maybe I haven’t fully processed it all (even though a few years of counselling you think I would) but there’s a pocket I missed or didn’t find until now…or maybe, just maybe I’m going at the unknown heart not padded and full of feeling.

My mind is swirling with anxious, fearful worries…”What if I find myself in that position again, what if life falls apart again?  What if life throws a giant curve ball and I’m left to my own devices again…now with two kids?  What if I die, what if he dies…blah blah blah.”  My head spins in irrational fears and my blood pumps what feels like firecrackers throughout my anxious body.

The truth is I need my husband and I’ve never let myself trust to this capacity before.  I’ve never let my shield down this much because I’ve never experienced this kind of love and trust.  And sometimes I don’t know what to do with that, I don’t know how to live with that vulnerability.  The slightest risk to my well-being or security and I immediately want to put the armor back on and back way up from the closeness I feel for this wonderful man.  I get terrorized, aka – traumatized by the memories and emotions from the most painful period of my life and I want to only count on myself.  That means I shrivel up and retreat…sawing off my connections.  Not good, not good.

This is what this moon is pulling from our veins,this yuck, this old painful icky goo…  But we must feel the shit, the pus, the bruises, the memories of the sharp cuts and let it seep out, so we can go in the New Year with love, with trust.

decembermoonWe are being called into our vulnerability on this last Full Moon of 2016 because it has been one heck of a ride of healing this year so why not end it with a full moon bang! 😉

Here are some beautiful words that found their way to me that really rang the bell of my soul for this full moon. (From writer Beth Berry). I invite you sit with your vulnerability and see what happens.  What does it feel when you welcome it’s presence?  What would it feel like to allow it to embodies within you?

“I now see that by holding so tightly to a more masculine understanding of strength, I was actually repressing and resisting a new strength trying to be born in me: the more feminine strength of vulnerability.

It is vulnerable to ask for help. It is vulnerable to admit that you don’t know what to do. It is vulnerable to depend on others physically, financially, and emotionally. It is vulnerable to gaze into the eyes of your newborn baby and realize that she is completely dependent on you for her wellbeing. It is vulnerable to imagine evolving into something unknown (and culturally dishonored). It is vulnerable to lose yourself to love. It is vulnerable to trust your instincts. It is vulnerable to claim strength and beauty in ways that aren’t culturally condoned.”  (source:  http://revolutionfromhome.com/2016/08/we-arent-meant-to-bounce-back-after-babies/)

Vulnerability is the opposite of what we learned.  Vulnerability is a brand new bathing suit that requires giant pools of trust and love and faith…like bad-ass faith— in the Divine, and in the good and heart of another.  For me putting my heart on the chopping block again, risking it…and trusting that I will be loved, that men don’t leave or choose themselves over their families all the time.  It’s trusting in a foundation of connection that has never been experienced before and believing that the wires of union as so intertwined you are safe.  Vulnerability is like putting on an ugly sweater but knowing only certain few can see it’s beauty and wearing anyway because that’s how you are choosing to role…heart open, ready to be present and feeling, and trusting and risking in the face of uncertainty or possible rejection.  It’s stepping forward into the unknown knees shaking but trusting and knowing you will be lead to where you need to go one step at a time, that you’ll be safe, you have strength, even if it’s a windy path.  Vulnerability is choosing to throw the worry out the window and allow what comes to come when it does and enjoy the moment of what is in the now.  Embrace the unknown like it were a special place to be.

 

I pulled a card for this Full Moon knowing I’d get the Hanged Man card, and sure enough…he showed.  I just knew it.  So I leave with the wisdom of the Hanged Man or the Sacrifice card in the Psychic Tarot deck.

“…This card represents self-sacrifice and a time when you should look around your life to see what needs to be released.  By surrendering and letting go, there will be more room to receive…the rewards for this are transformation, wisdom, gratitude, and enlightenment.  This card signifies that there is a situation happening (or about to occur) in your life, and you can’t control the outcome.  This would be a good time to pause, rest, have patience, reflect and meditate…The Sacrifice Card (or Hanged Man) can also symbolize a period of transition and change.  The solutions you seek may be slow in coming , for it could be necessary to live the answers.  Accept the things that you can’t control, heal and leave the past behind, move toward your future, and watch for new doors opening and paths that are being shown to you.”

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Thanks so much friends and Happy, Healthy Full Moon 🙂

Crystal

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What If I Punched Fear in the Face and Let my Magic Leak Out? What if you did too??

magicWhat if I dared to jump off the cliff and punched fear in the face? What if I took the last piece of  chest armor off and trusted that the universe shall hold me in her arms and wrap me with loving protection,safety and security simply by believing in her?

Can it be done?  My mind is trying to wrestle me into “reality” and the old cautionary tale.

What if I trusted that being in the unknown, the portal between the worlds of change was okay?

I’ve always had on my defensive suite, ready for heartbreak, ready for fear, ready to run and escape and attack whatever was around the corner..

What if i changed this whole paradigm, this whole way of existing on edge, on the defense, on guard and surrendered into the pocket of the universal forces calling me to rest in her palm?

What if i didn’t set-up my life with one foot on the safety net, as though I believed life would fall apart, something would destruct and my survival were at risk?  What if I practiced faith and trust fully, for real..in life, in myself, in all good things.  My heart is expanding, softening and opening just at the thoughts in this possibility.

I feel a connection, an aliveness, a vast explosion of wild colors in myself at the thoughts of the Divine fully integrated in my life.  In this moment I feel connected to all life, I see the tapestry of it all like it were a video game made by Creation.

What if I approached every obstacle with radical trust that the universe was brewing something wildly different for me and all I had to do was float along on the sailboat into the change ahead rather than fight to the death the change that lie ahead? What if change or loss, or endings were not life-threatening and simply re-birthing into something more grand than I could ever imagine?

Is this full blown faith?  Is this divine trust?  This feels magical.  My mind wants to squash it and tell me to be realistic, to grip into the smartest, safest choice, but my soul wants magic and deep faithful aliveness.  I want to exist by flying in the sparkling dust of this Faith.  Tears stream with the remembering of this deep connection of the Divine in my life, we have drifted from each other the last while.

I’m shocked looking at this powerful mirror of my existence.  I have always existed on the defense.  I have built my life as a safety net, as a way to exist in the face of crisis or emergency, always having a back-up plan for my back-up plan. I have anticipated life falling apart (again and again) and have not fully moved in my depths, my heart.  I have stood rigid, on guard and protective for myself just in case.  I have remained the professional, responsible, logical, planned, realistic woman, having the reigns of control in my hands.  Protecting myself from anticipated pain or loss and I have wrapped a piece of my heart, my own divinity in protective metal.

I have done an injustice to myself.  I have allowed fear to envelop me and I have not lived fully from my center.  I have moments in my center, in trust, in my core, but I have always worn protection against the anticipation of doom.  I have had doom before, my whole life fell apart and I was brought closest to my pure existence, to my soul.  I lost all ego constructs, my house, my job, my marriage, my dogs (in the divorce) and was left with the bare minimum.  In my bare minimum I was closest to Spirit, to the Universal Forces, to my own soul.

Don’t get me wrong, in my life now I move into my depths, and my heart, I dive in explore the ocean of existence within myself but I have not created my life to express the full blown magical waters it is.  I have only made pockets of it.  I have created my life to mirror my inner protector…safe, linear, logical, well planned, a “just in-case” kind of life.  I have built it in preparation for it to fall apart, I have safety nets all over.

invokationThis means, I have lived a life with a Core of FEAR and believe things won’t work out!  I have assumed the worst, waited for the shoe to drop. I assume heartache and pain, curve balls and road turns are just around the corner and I pad myself up with protective part living so when life crashes it won’t hurt so bad.  I won’t feel the sting.  I keep my foot in a job that can sustain me “in case” things fail rather than jump into the ocean of trust and faith and creative juices as an artist or life art practitioner or whatever the hell that may be.

What if I lived with sweet surrender, Divine Faith and Trust in the Universe herself like she always has my back, because this I know to be true but I act differently in my life than this knowing.  Every time life has knocked me around, the Universe always had my back, every.single.time.

What if I flew arms wide open into the winds of change trusting that Universe is calling this from me and supporting me and opened myself to the Grace of what the universe shall bring?

Will there be difficulty, challenges, uncertainties, hell yeah but I don’t have to surrender my authentic, core, trusting, loving, faithful center and get into my defensive, fearful, life will fall apart believing self, ready to fight against pain.  Instead I can approach life with a gentleness, a sweet, soft knowing that all is occurring as She was ever meant to.

The Universe is calling me back home into a life of trust and surrender in her sweet arms.  She is calling me to believe in the good of the world, that physical life is spiritual life, they are not separate entities, just different energetic expressions of Existence and Creation herself.

She is asking me to shed the veils, remove the safety nets and full blown fucking live…alive…juicy…emotional.  This is a 180 change in my life, a softening, a surrender, a trust in the Divine Herself.  Perhaps then my immune system shall soften 😉

I feel an openness in my heart, an awakening in my breath, an aliveness in my bones as think about cutting the safety nets off of my life.

“Although we have been made to believe that if we let go we will end up with nothing, life itself reveals again and again the opposite: that letting go is the path to real freedom.”  (From Om Element page)

And so it is…

xo

Crystal