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March New Moon Energy

Happy new Moon!! This cycle we are moving into awareness and evaluation of our relationships. Fun, fun, fun! This includes romantic relationships, friendships, work partnerships and family relationships .

It feels heavy and mucky and there’s a lot of unknown elements. For myself, my hubby and I have hit a rough patch. A boulder has crossed our path and we are a bit stuck at it. We’ve been going to counselling to sort out the layers of rubble that created the boulder and it’s not easy or fun. But it’s necessary for our union and mostly for our own individual growth.

He’s mirroring to me some dark spots and unhealed pockets I need to explore…own and heal. And I am doing the same for him. If we do not let ourselves stand in the flames of vulnerability, it’s easy to get defensive and deny or even blame the other. It’s raw and naked and scary as bleep!

But this is big big healing we (all of us ) are being asked to do and release. It is clearing away of the armour and guards of love that we have used as protection since the eons of time … but now the universe in Her glory asks us to surrender it down and move more fully into the radiant realms of love and trust.

It will not be an easy path but keep vision on the course. Ask yourself over and over…

What would love say ???

What would love do???

What would love think????

Truth be told, some relationships will disintegrate and dissolve into dust because the healing that is being asked of us is soul deep and some won’t be ready. And as hard as it will be, it will be ok. Just be in each moment of unknown on step at a time.

Maybe we’ve carried these fears for lifetimes or since childhood or since our last betrayal… but it is heavy and deep and the work is immense but I guarantee you, it will be life changing. It will change every aspect of how you experience your life. You will move into a deep trust and peace. This will shift so much into the world.

Try and trust and stay in the belief that healing will happen it whatever forms our binds take. Pray, envision, believe, speak, imagine and feel the universe caressing your heart as you walk the path of a healing soldier. Imagine what the healing will be and feel like and see it occur. Who’s there? What are you doing? How are things different ? How have things changed ?

On this new moon, take some time and honour this deep and humble healing time.

I honour you and your journey . And so it is ❤️.

Crystal

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A Healing Ritual For the April Full Moon

moon lodgeHappy Full Moon Women’s Tribe 🙂  Here we are all the full moon and in the bingo bango bongo of four retrograde planets!  Eekers. It is a time evaluation, of reflection, of looking back at what needs to be healed in the past so we can carry forward with more ease and gentleness in the now and in our futures.  That is the gift of retrogrades.   It’s not always easy as our old stuff emerges and comes to the for front but heck, let’s let it.  Allow it.  Make room for it at the kitchen table as though it were your long lost aunt.  We must honor its’ existence and take a look.  Feel it.  Set it on its’ way…out of body, out of our bones, released from our tissue.

For me, I’ve been lingering in trauma memories.  I thought I had done my healing around this but life and emotional breakdowns, says the healing is not done.When I had my first baby my first husband just didn’t deal with the transition into fatherhood well and basically bailed.  He did it in a manner that was hurtful, in a way he knew best…to cheat and chose another woman.  My highest conscious Self knows that he wasn’t conscious or aware enough to talk and tell me that he was struggling or lost or unsure if he could handle being both a husband and father simultaneously.  And so he left and chose her.  He didn’t know how to say that he could not be who I needed or was asking of him so he acted it out to express it to me.  I get that on a soul level, but it was still emotionally and mentally devastating and one of the most painful experiences of my life.  (As well as the best thing that could have happened in the long run).  I associate having a baby with pain and struggle and loss.

I ended up on my own with baby, in a new apartment (he got the house), lost my job (found another), he got our dogs as he was in the house and me in an apartment.  And there I was in the threshold of new motherhood trying to keep my head above water, wondering if I could support myself and baby, manage motherhood and a full-time job, etc..etc..  It was devastating, so much change all at one time.  It was shocking actually.  I felt really abandoned and alone.  Navigating custody battles when you were wronged and nobody gave a poop was crazy making.  I struggled most with the fact that I could not be with my baby all the time cause of the choice he made, I had to lose time with my son.  I had to share custody.  There was little to no consequence for him or his actions…he got to keep the house (he did have to buy me out), he had his regular job, and he got what he wanted…to be a part-time dad all by betraying our vows, lying, and being with another woman.  I on the other hand got my world shattered and was continually told in court that I had to keep the emotional stuff separate from the custody, like I was not supposed to have feelings for what I went through.   I was treated like the problem, not him.  CRAZY. MAKING!

Anywho…years have passed.  I’m happily remarried with a new baby who’s almost 9months old.  Well my husband has been working out of town for the last few months and I have been on my own with the kids for weeks at a time.  It has totally triggered all those memories.  The emotions, the forgotten dark times, the memories I blocked out…all coming back with a vengeance….to the point I cry and cry and cry.  I’ve done trauma therapy, emotional release work, journalling, creative expression, you name it…I’ve released so much and yet the memories of being on my own with a baby linger in my gut, in my blood, in my immune system.  There is more to be released.

This full moon is asking us to revisit past sore spots and evaluate how they impact the now.  What’s been coming up?  An old relationship?  An old patter of self-sabotage or job loss or endings, break-ups, loss in general?  Allow it my friends. Pull out the chair and have it sit down with you.

FULL MOON HEALING RITUALsacred body 2

Find a cozy space, light a candle and some incents.  Have a cup of tea or a glass of wine and grab and pen and paper.  We are going to write a letter to ourselves in the past that was struggling (And still has some to release).  We are going to offer this part of ourselves what she needs.

Allow what comes…..but here’s some points to remember to include.

-Honor and recognized and validate your younger self’s feelings and experiences.

-Ask that part of you what she needs.

-Allow her to answer.

-Imagine bringing this part of you to a time in your past where you experienced and received what she is needing.  So if you are needing to feel love or trust, remember a time when you did.  Who’s with you.  What are you doing?  What season is it?   What time of day?  What are you doing together?  What are the smells in the air.  What colors and temperature is it?  Breathe in the sensation of experiencing what she/you needs.  Where do you feel it?  See it as a ball of energy and let it spread throughout your body, allow the feeling to expand and really experience it sensationally for a few minutes.

Write about it…and bring her back now with the memories.

 

Here’s mine.

To my 28 year old self,

First off, I see you. I hear you. I honor you.  I know how much pain you endured and you still carry.  I see it, I feel it, I honor that it’s there.  I think you are so strong for making it, for carrying on, for doing what you need to do to survive and care for your son.  I’m so proud of you.

I know you are struggling, I see you, I feel you, I hear you with all the emotions that you are arising within me….what do you need my love?

I need to feel not so alone…not so abandonned, not so isolated like I have to everything myself.  I feel trapped and caged and scared.  It’s so heavy and painful to carry it all myself.  I can’t believe I have to do this myself.

As I reflect on when I have felt the most supported and loved and held is when I was in Lynn Andrews School.  My classmates were my sisterhood.  And so I bring her to one of our circles and fires where they all gave me healing and love.   They drummed and rattled and held me in loving energy like I never felt before.  I was one of them, and they were part of me.  They held me, they supported me, they were always there for me, even though we lived all over the world.  I let them offer to her what they offered me then.  I imagine her feeling the drum beat and the sound of the rattles….we are in a dark space with candles and fairy lights and the smell of sage burning lingers in the air.  I tell her to let the drum fill her body up with strength and support and to feel the love.  I tell her to look into the fire and hear it crackle and to see how a web of women in the spirit world also connected to her and holding her, the Sisterhood of the Shields, the Grandmothers, her guides, her power animals, her ancestors, the fairies…they are all surrounding her and with her at all times giving her strength and power.   They all have a hand on her shoulder, she is the farthest thing from alone. I ask her to imagine that strength and love and power is like gold dust being sent from everyone in the room and in the energy world to her.  I ask her to imagine it going in her and with each inhale in her body and with each second that passes she is being beamed with the light of strength and sisterhood.

I close my eyes and feel the sensations with her.  I feel the web of women weaving love around me and her supporting us and holding us.    Each drum beat strengthens us with inner power and confidence.   I tell her to see it filling her body, to feel the confidence and love and support.  She does and so do I.  I can see she feels stronger and supported…a shift has happened I feel it in my heart chakra.  I thank everyone at the circle with us for such a powerful experience and I grab her hand and go through a door that lingers in a giant boulder into the now… bringing with us the felt experience and gifts of support and love and strength into the now.  I imagine putting a shawl on her to remind her of the hands that hugged her and literally have and touched her back offering their support.  I allow that image of her feeling stronger with her shawl in my heart to expand and fill my body.

And so it is….

 

Happy FULL HEALING MOON.

xo Crystal

If you feel called, I’d be so honored if you followed the BLOG or the Women’s Tribe Facebook Page.

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A Healing December Full Moon Ritual

The last full moon of the year, and a supermoon ta boot!  Yup the moon is closest to the earth, intensifying it’s effects on our emotional bodies.  …yeehaw and oh boy! I don’t know about you but I have been may moon2spewing emotion out of nowhere…tears fall out suddenly and surprisingly as a pour a cup of tea or as I drive down the snowy road, they just abruptly float down my cheeks.  I feel raw and vulnerable, stripped down to my bones.  The Universe at large is asking us to surrender our defenses, no more fearful living and just to trust at the door of lingering change ahead.  I don’t know what is around the road but there’s something and all we can do is walk the path of the unknown one step, or pearl strand at a time until we can see it and know what it is.

This is a big moon…a real big cleansing, a pull from the moon for you to release all the armor that blocks you from receiving love and abundance. All the fear padding you wear will be played with, toyed with, shaken loose for you to look.  And you feel naked, raw, emotional, and down right scared.  I feel a duty to tell you that you must feel what is there if you’d like it to transform.  Just sit with it in the moment it arises and see it through, so you can release it.  This is no easy feat, we are usually used to squirming our way out the emotions or distract ourselves into numbness.

FULL MOON RITUAL:

Now is time to allow what the moon is calling out of us to emote and simply see it through.  Do so on this Full Moon…emote with me, with the Sacred Feminine and Grandmother Moon and feel the divinity and healing in this sacred act.  What are you afraid of? What is coming up?  Are you angry? Annoyed? Sad? Why? Write it out…literally list it all on a page.  I’m mad at….I’m annoyed that…I’m scared of….

Get that stuff out and have a pity party on the page.  Allow yourself to open to what is there so you can release it.  Release it by burning it.  How can you let go and surrender into love and what is?  Now list the the qualities you need at this time…and imagine those qualities as symbols.  Go on…stretch your imagination and just allow what comes.  For me I need trust and faith and I when I think or an image or symbol that represents that I imagine Grandmother Moon beaming her loving hands down to my heart and inserting crystals all over my body.  They radiate peace and trust, they make me feel secure and calm.  I breathe in the feeling of that feeling and keep imaging the crystal powers spreading throughout my entire being.  Imagine your symbols entering your body and spreading out so that all the cells of you can feel what its’ like to have what you need to carry onward down the road of life.

All the old wounds have been summoned, even when you thought you have worked it out, the last seeping fluid of it floating around in your body will be called out so you can start 2017 a new, cleared, focused…ready for what lies ahead.  And here’s the kicker, it still isn’t clear what is around the bend of 2017.  It is new, it is different, it is a change but we still can’t put our finger on what the heck that is how it will translate for us in our lives.

For me I just found out my husband will be working out of town for chunks at a time starting in January and oh boy has this stirred up some deep emotion in me.  When I had my first baby, my first husband bailed and I was left to my defenses and a baby.  I lost everything, the house, the dogs, my job, my peace, my security, my trust in others.  I fought and fought and I survived. I survived by padding up, by not needing anybody, living totally on my own, independent, and stopped reaching for help…I stopped trusting in people for fear of getting hurt.  I didn’t lean on anybody but myself, that felt safest.  I closed my heart.

Seven years later (and my second baby with my amazing new husband), I’ve opened my heart again.  I can trust again because of the good man in my life, who is consistent, who shows up, who honors his word time and time again.  I have felt safe and secure enough over and over to allow myself to be more dependent on him…or at least more interdependent.  I still struggle to ask for help but I’m getting there and I express my needs more (sometimes lol) rather than struggle along “independently” doing everything myself.  And now he’s leaving (but he’s not, he’s just going on periodic work trips) but my body is registering his leaving as abandonment.  My fear has skyrocketed out of my bones and the memories of being a single mom, alone, nobody to depend on, nobody to protect me, a loss of safety and security are erupting out of my cellular memory.  Maybe I haven’t fully processed it all (even though a few years of counselling you think I would) but there’s a pocket I missed or didn’t find until now…or maybe, just maybe I’m going at the unknown heart not padded and full of feeling.

My mind is swirling with anxious, fearful worries…”What if I find myself in that position again, what if life falls apart again?  What if life throws a giant curve ball and I’m left to my own devices again…now with two kids?  What if I die, what if he dies…blah blah blah.”  My head spins in irrational fears and my blood pumps what feels like firecrackers throughout my anxious body.

The truth is I need my husband and I’ve never let myself trust to this capacity before.  I’ve never let my shield down this much because I’ve never experienced this kind of love and trust.  And sometimes I don’t know what to do with that, I don’t know how to live with that vulnerability.  The slightest risk to my well-being or security and I immediately want to put the armor back on and back way up from the closeness I feel for this wonderful man.  I get terrorized, aka – traumatized by the memories and emotions from the most painful period of my life and I want to only count on myself.  That means I shrivel up and retreat…sawing off my connections.  Not good, not good.

This is what this moon is pulling from our veins,this yuck, this old painful icky goo…  But we must feel the shit, the pus, the bruises, the memories of the sharp cuts and let it seep out, so we can go in the New Year with love, with trust.

decembermoonWe are being called into our vulnerability on this last Full Moon of 2016 because it has been one heck of a ride of healing this year so why not end it with a full moon bang! 😉

Here are some beautiful words that found their way to me that really rang the bell of my soul for this full moon. (From writer Beth Berry). I invite you sit with your vulnerability and see what happens.  What does it feel when you welcome it’s presence?  What would it feel like to allow it to embodies within you?

“I now see that by holding so tightly to a more masculine understanding of strength, I was actually repressing and resisting a new strength trying to be born in me: the more feminine strength of vulnerability.

It is vulnerable to ask for help. It is vulnerable to admit that you don’t know what to do. It is vulnerable to depend on others physically, financially, and emotionally. It is vulnerable to gaze into the eyes of your newborn baby and realize that she is completely dependent on you for her wellbeing. It is vulnerable to imagine evolving into something unknown (and culturally dishonored). It is vulnerable to lose yourself to love. It is vulnerable to trust your instincts. It is vulnerable to claim strength and beauty in ways that aren’t culturally condoned.”  (source:  http://revolutionfromhome.com/2016/08/we-arent-meant-to-bounce-back-after-babies/)

Vulnerability is the opposite of what we learned.  Vulnerability is a brand new bathing suit that requires giant pools of trust and love and faith…like bad-ass faith— in the Divine, and in the good and heart of another.  For me putting my heart on the chopping block again, risking it…and trusting that I will be loved, that men don’t leave or choose themselves over their families all the time.  It’s trusting in a foundation of connection that has never been experienced before and believing that the wires of union as so intertwined you are safe.  Vulnerability is like putting on an ugly sweater but knowing only certain few can see it’s beauty and wearing anyway because that’s how you are choosing to role…heart open, ready to be present and feeling, and trusting and risking in the face of uncertainty or possible rejection.  It’s stepping forward into the unknown knees shaking but trusting and knowing you will be lead to where you need to go one step at a time, that you’ll be safe, you have strength, even if it’s a windy path.  Vulnerability is choosing to throw the worry out the window and allow what comes to come when it does and enjoy the moment of what is in the now.  Embrace the unknown like it were a special place to be.

 

I pulled a card for this Full Moon knowing I’d get the Hanged Man card, and sure enough…he showed.  I just knew it.  So I leave with the wisdom of the Hanged Man or the Sacrifice card in the Psychic Tarot deck.

“…This card represents self-sacrifice and a time when you should look around your life to see what needs to be released.  By surrendering and letting go, there will be more room to receive…the rewards for this are transformation, wisdom, gratitude, and enlightenment.  This card signifies that there is a situation happening (or about to occur) in your life, and you can’t control the outcome.  This would be a good time to pause, rest, have patience, reflect and meditate…The Sacrifice Card (or Hanged Man) can also symbolize a period of transition and change.  The solutions you seek may be slow in coming , for it could be necessary to live the answers.  Accept the things that you can’t control, heal and leave the past behind, move toward your future, and watch for new doors opening and paths that are being shown to you.”

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Thanks so much friends and Happy, Healthy Full Moon 🙂

Crystal

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A Fall New Moon, A Call Inward & 10 Ways to Connect to Your Wild.

fall-moonAhhhh..Fall time.  My favorite time of year!!  I’m not sure if it is the shades of yellow and red, the smell of cinnamon and cardamon or the cool crisp breeze but it’s such a comforting, nurturing time of year.  Not to mention,  I get to pull out my funky boots, sweaters and the gazillion scarves I own.  I love love love the Fall. There’s something so captivating, so life re-igniting about the season of falling leaves.

As the trees shed their glory I find I tend to shed my layers of “stuff” collected through the year.  It’s a time of processing and sorting out what I’m going to bring with me into winter and what I am not.  I feel summoned to my soul roots and this year is no different.

This New Moon is calling me inward, deep into the cavernous soil of my unconscious.  I feel like I’m beginning to carve out my cave for winter hibernation.  The places of myself I have left on the back-burner are now howling their wound songs like wolves on the full moon night.  I must face my dark, the uncomfortable pockets of soul truth and often emotional discomfort that are trying to guide me on my soul path.  Sometimes, it just ain’t pretty.  I wish it were different or that I was stronger or less sensitive but truth is Truth.  It’s sometimes tough stuff to face but we must swaddle it and hold it until it gives us it’s message.  It’s even harder to try and talk about with others, sometimes I feel like they look at me and think, “what’s wrong with you?” but I have these emotions and I choose to honor them.  Every time I ask Spirit, what’s my purpose here…they tell me it is to feel.  Hmmm…lucky me lol.  So here I go showing you my soul bones.

As many of you know I gave birth to my second son in July.  Babies are lovely aren’t they!!!???…. but they are also difficult.  Birthing is such a life changing experience.  I love being a mom but I must admit it’s a real struggle at times.  It can feel for me like the walls are caving in around me and the traditional role of woman -tending to baby, cooking, cleaning etc.” is hard to get around.  It stirs something deep in me that doesn’t sit right.  It’s not that my husband doesn’t do these things but he’s working all day, so a lot of falls in my responsibility basket.

I struggle with those old traditional roles and having a baby puts you right back into them.  Do I fight this or surrender into it?  What is it that I struggle with exactly?  Is it just ancient, ancestral memories of all the nurturing and giving energies left unnoticed or taken for granted of the women in my ancestral line?  Is it that I just don’t like those roles and would rather go to work or cut grass and shovel the snow?   I wonder what it means to be a woman these days, it’s so multi-faceted, so many responsibilities and balls in the air.  I feel like definition of womanhood is changing but I’m somewhat caught between what it used to be and the territory that is not yet fully defined or grounded.  What does a different definition look like and how does that translate into my everyday life?  There’s likely not just one answer I suppose.  It’s like trying on many pairs of pants and seeing which one we like the most, it’s somewhat directionless, we must create our own direction and that can feel lonely but I imagine the struggle with the in between is felt everywhere.  Change involves many things…having a voice, confidence to use it and strong boundaries.  Eeeekkk…right?!  It’swimming in un-chartered territory…sometimes alone.

There are days when I feel like my wild, free roaming soul feels caged in the traditional roles of life and she shakes the bars in the jail cell expressing her inner irritation and ravenous need to roam into the magic territories.   I feel it as a raw, deep restlessness, an inner anxiety or extreme boredom.

I fought my ass off to find myself And reconnect to my soul and I don’t want motherhood to wipe that away… But how to tend to this?  I figure that my sacred task is to explore how can I bring my wild soul into my motherhood and even further into my everyday life.  (For some of us it will be how to bring your wild soul into your life in general or into your workplace, parenting, volunteering…etc.)   I know based on my own history that this connection is my lifeline to wellness so I must bring her back, I must breathe my breath back into her before she rebels…

I think Paul Coelho in Eleven Minutes sums it up perfectly.

“I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved.
I’m a housewife and a wanderer, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.”

I don’t want to battle anymore.  I want to create space for them both, like an intertwined braid of who I am.  I want both aspects of myself to live and exist in my life.  At times this might mean bringing my creativity into my parenting or cooking or my holiday themeing.   Other times it might mean I need alone time, self-connection by MYSELF in a yoga studio, or in the bush or on a retreat.  Other times it will be a Kumbaya session with my moon buddies…I guess it really means I need to regularly check-in and feel out what my wildness needs…what my soul craves, what my heart wants.  The pants I need or like will likely keep changing.  And then, I must commit to following through on those needs like it were the third child I was parenting and tending to.

Sometimes I feel like there is a whole side to the “mom” role that can feel a bit artificial, a bit like a mask, a hiding from the depths of myself because it’s so demanding and busy.  I know I can get caught in this perpetual self-sacrificing gig and then the resentment, the dissatisfaction, the martyrdom bubbles and oozes out of my pores like an overflowing cauldron.  I get jealous of my husband’s ability to go to work or go outside and work on projects.  I want that too, I want me time but I rarely take it and that’s fully on me because then I seem to open the giant boxes of guilt inside when I do.  I know the hubby’s more than willing to hold the reigns while I do what I need or want to do but he says I just need to ask him to help.  Part of me feels pissy about the fact I need to ask for parenting help and pull him away from his outside tasks.  

Sometimes I feel there’s an addiction to achieving that perfect ideal.  You know, the perfect mom syndrome.  If I do a, b, c,d, e, f, g, h, i j, k and then l,m,n, o,p…well than I can feel like I’m being a good mom.  Maybe that it’s this whole concept that being a “good mom” is in doing things like breastfeeding, home cooking, perfect house cleaning, perfect body looking mom, etc etc.  Sometimes we try and portray how “together” we are when I bet many of us weave in and out of feeling good and then struggling, then feeling good again.  I wish we’d talk and support each other more in this.   I think being a woman is being more than mom, there’s more parts to us than this.  And at times I feel like motherhood is trying to overtake my life and bully every other part of me out…and that’s when the bits of doom start punching me right in the gut.

What if mothering were instead about who we are rather what we do, sharing the elements of our soul, our characters, our authenticity, and our presence with our families and maintain a good balance of the Self rather than an ideal of superwoman and self-sacrificer?  I wave my white flag and claim the gig is up… it’s hard and I don’t have my shit together and a good sense of balance at the moment.

So on this first New Moon of the Fall/Autums season I feel summoned to re-commit to my many parts, not just my motherhood. I commit to feeding my need for connection, aliveness and creativity. I commit to claim and experiencing my wildness.

So here are 10 ways to dive into my deep realms.  Will you join me?  I hope so 🙂

I invite you to join me in honoring all parts of you.  Schedule in times to feed your soul, say Tuesday evenings, or on the new and full moons.

1) Get out of the house, take a brisk walk even for five minutes.  This really helps me ground and get some new grounded bearings and perspective.  There are no caving in walls outside 😉

2) Go for coffee with yourself and a book or a journal or a friend.

3) Get creative, collage, write a story, paint, refurbish furniture, do a kids craft.

4) Yoga it up

5) Dance it aloud, even just put on music, that can shift you immediately.

6)  Look for one day retreats in your area that you can attend and sign-up!  Think of that one full day of you time…yesssss!!!!

7)Have a pot luck dinner with friends or family.

8) Go on date night.

9) Light candles and incents, turn down the lights and bask in the glow and crisp energy of the Autumn moon.  Or better yet have a fire outside..in the dark..have blankets and journals or songs and friends.

10)  Take a class, a meditation class, a writing class, an art class, a wine tasting class.  Just feed your need to grow and expand.

Make space for your wild even in your work life, or motherhood or marriage.  Adapt and slow down your life to make room if you must.  It is our life lines to ourselves, our well-being, our own fulfillment and joy.  Honor your dark and light, that is life.

If you feel called, I’d love it if you FOLLOWED THE BLOG or Liked the Women’s Tribe Facebook Page.

And so it is

xo

Crystal

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5 Minute Reflective Writing Exercise for the Retrograde.

writingMy mind is still on feelings.  Feelings….gotta love those feelings (this plays as a fun little jingle in my head). I feel that because we are in a mercury retrograde we must continue to reflect AND feel the old stuff that is surfacing to sort through.  We become clear this way.  It’s like forming a “yay” or “nay” pile of emotional cargo we are keeping and releasing.  What is coming up for you?  What is whispering at you through trickles of anxiety in your gut or scratching at your ferociously in your throat?  Are you teary?  Are you joyful?  Are you inspired?  What gift is this emotional information bringing to you?  What do you need?

I feel a bit stuck, spinning, swirling…moving in all directions not just one. I got caught up in my head. Even my writing got stuck because I was writing with my mind and not from my guts, not from the place of my primal, tribal, feminine soul, swirling with colorful paintbrushes on the landscape of my life but from the place of the “shoulds”.  And, that’s the shits!  So I listened to the stuckness and heard what it had to say.  Go buck wild, play, indulge in fun.   Joyously release the old.  Retrogrades are a time of reflecting and tying up the past, bring closure to the unfinished business.

I was pushing to hard, trying to force something rather than allowing it to emerge simply on its own.   I was standing in front of a few different pathways trying to figure out which one I should travel down.  One path I tried in the past and walked away from it, it just didn’t fit.  Here it was again sitting at the the crossroads and I contemplated taking it but the universe and my health intervened and I did not walk that road.  I realize how much that closing that door was a gift even though part of me wanted to take it.  It wasn’t truly me, I’d be twisting and turning myself trying to make it fit.  And in restorative yoga class, the answers occurred, just share and be and walk the path that has always been inside you.  I’m already down the right road, be patient, trust and most importantly…dance!! 😉

There’s an energy within that naturally wants to be danced out not forced out fiercely and quickly.  It shuts down like that and quivers into a corner, unwilling to come forth by force.

I had the pleasure of going out for lunch with a good pal and we chatted some about feelings and how many of us are so afraid to hear them as sacred messengers.   I’m sure every one of us has had a bout of feeling down, maybe it’s depression (which is simply stagnation/inertia/stuckness of energy).  And maybe it’s not.  However it’s a feeling of being ho hum, down, blue.  Maybe you’re like me and you feel irritated, on edge, agitated, emotional, leaking tears at every turn.  This is information!!! Let us listen to it.  There’s a deep deep message and sometimes that message is not what we want to hear but it is our truth.  It’s often information that our souls and minds are not in unity, instead our minds are running the show.  Our wild, free spirits get annoyed, agitated, and feel devalued, even hurt.  Our soul whispers or sometimes screams through our tears….”I’m not happy in this job or relationship.  I’m dying on the inside in all these care-giving roles….I need more.”

WRITING EXERCISE:  Going Inward.

Go to that primal, tribal,feminine woman in you.  Imagine her inside your body, your being.  What does she look like.  Feel her emerge.  Take a posture or stance that feels like hers.  Become her.   From that place I want you to write.  Set your timer for five minutes and just write with the following prompt.  “I need….”  Don’t lift your pen, don’t think, just go wild on the page for five luscious minutes and let her speak up.  Stretch your imagination and invite in your wildest dreams….This is how we feel fulfilled when we tap into our inner wild.

Please do share your experiences 🙂

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How to Actually & Consciously Feel Your Feelings – A New Moon Intention & Soul Lesson

self acceptanceIn my restorative yoga class last night I took to the mat in a supported child’s pose and suddenly couldn’t breathe.  It felt like my lungs were being crushed and I could not catch my breath.  I was going to lose it, like weep right there on the mat.  The room started to spin and I felt tears start to well it my eyes.  “Keep it together…keep it together,” I kept silently saying to myself.  When the yoga instructor inquired if I was okay as I sat up out of the pose, I almost let out a loud whale but managed to say I couldn’t’ breathe.

The well of emotion took a hit and sprung a leak but I didn’t want it to erupt mid yoga class.  I’m a unique duck who goes on emotional journeys and works with different parts of myself whilst in these calming and restorative poses.  I don’t float away, I float inward, towards what is already stewing inside or what has been lying dormant my entire life.

I feel like I came face to face with a deep deep wound, a wound that is held in the physical ailment pattern of my blood issue. It’s my thirteen year old self.  I’ve tended to this part of me for years.  It’s the time when I lost connection to my body and caged my soul and started to live my life in the edges of self-harm with an eating disorder and alcohol misuse.  I acted out my pain and my disconnection and severing from my feminine, wild soul.  Her and I have done a lot of healing work together (my 13 year old self) but suddenly she’s re-emerged.

As I flipped onto my back and opened my heart chakra in yoga class to reign in my emotional meltdown, I started to inquire within about the grief trying to ooze out of me.  My thoughts went to an email I received from a good friend in response to one of my blogs.  I was dumbfounded.  I was so moved by her healing, her growing… her awareness.  I was so humbled that some of my sharing had really sunk in for her, resonated with her in such a powerful way.  I had not known that some of our conversations she really had digested and absorbed.   I wasn’t sure she really bought in to what I was saying at times, it’s quite opposite to the general accepted norm.

As a professional therapist, I’ve helped a lot of different people.  But this was different.  I felt heard and celebrated from the depths of me, from the place of my soul.   From the place that had been silenced, tamed and hidden away from the world because nobody gave her permission to emerge and shine.   My wild, primal voice once silenced is now being shared, heard and better yet…received from others, like a knowing and remembering they already owned.  That’s how it happened for me, shaman and teacher Lynn Andrews spoke words and a language that my DNA had already known but was just waiting to emerge, just waiting to erupt forth into my veins and consciousness.  Now I’ve found my way to live them, even though our society largely disconnects from or unacknowledges our emotional and spiritual realms, I go there and experience them regularly.  That is my purpose.  That is my life line to balance, and fulfillment.  It is the pathway to my confidence and self-worth in the world.

This wounded thirteen year old self at times emerges when I get triggered or fearful and she takes over my body momentarily.  I get frozen in fear and in that automatic response, I get silent and small.

Sometimes I get frustrated that I need to continually tend to this part of me, my inner child that seems to range in ages.  I wonder why she can’t just go away or be healed already.  The Creator knows I’ve worked my but off to tend to her and heal my past.  My ego has a pre-conceived idea that I should be done already, able to move on and forward with no emotional upheaval.  Ha! Silly goose that ego is.

What I’ve come to learn is to simply just witness and make space for whatever it is that is occurring within.  I cannot control what I feel or rid myself of some of my emotional responses triggered by past wounding experiences,  I can only witness them and tend to them and know that over time they lessen.  I guess I can try and ignore and escape them but I’ve done that gig already via eating disorder and too much boozin’.   And in the end, I still had to face what was there anyways.

So what if we simply let go and stopped trying to control the uncontrollable?  What if we simply allowed our natural reactions and allowed them to be as they are while offering them what they need ourselves.  This is the gift of the Aquarian New Moon…non-attachment (as shared by my pal Bekah Finch).  What if we simply observed our reactions and responses as neither good nor bad but as messengers?  What if we simply heard them and witnessed them, maybe even gave voice to them so we could better understand and honor them, rather than poo- pooing them away?!

In sitting with my thirteen year old self on my yoga mat, I know she is just moving through a release, a dumping out of the old cargo that has been held there for so long.  An old pattern is being shaved away and with it a new one taking shape.   There’s going to be some emotional release with that.  Her responses are to freeze in fear and collapse into silence.   As I play witness to her (seeing and watching an image of her my mind’s eye), I tell her I got her back as my adult self and stand in front of her to protect her.  I tell her she is safe and supported, I am here, I will protect her.  I will DEFEND her.  I will use my voice and stand my ground on her behalf when she feels threatened.  I’ve got her. And as I tell her that I see her begin to shift.

In working with this 13 year-old part of me, I’m aware that she feels both relief and grief.  That’s all she’s ever wanted was support and validation.  She’s just wanted someone to have her back.  Hence the grief.  So I allowed myself to whale on the way home from yoga class and release what needed to be released.  It’s that simple.  I don’t have depression, I’m not crazy, I am real life, feeling human on a spiritual life journey.  My emotions are gifts, messengers from the Divine leading back home to myself.

As such, I have issues with my spleen, it swells, it hurts, it aches.  It has for years.  In the book The Secret Language of Your Body by Inna Segal issues with the spleen speaks to, “Feeling helpless, disconnected from feminine energy, fearful, frozen, angry, frustrated.  Overly sensitive and easily swayed…continually worrying and stressing about others.”   My spleen is holding the soul wounds of having separating and betraying my wild, feminine soul and the layers of grief has been long held in the fibers of my spleen and lungs.   I’m currently focusing much of my time and energy on these long held emotional wounds held in the depths of this physical illness.  In tending to the underlying emotional and spiritual patterns I believe I will heal my illness, I believe I will at least get more physical stability in my health as I uncover, unwind and release the twisted wounds in my body’s fibers.  I’m already starting to see the changes.  That is my intention for 40 straight days, to work with the emotional and spiritual wounds while on my yoga mat.  So far I’m on day 16.

So let us practice a teaching most of us missed growing up on this Aquarius new moon.  Nobody sat us down and showed us the way inward, down into the body to reflect and feel our emotions.  So may I be so honored to share with you the way home, the way in, the way to your deepest self.  Let’s practise this conscious journey inward to our bodies, the magical inner realm where our emotions, spirit, desires, needs, wants, wounds and unconscious mind exists.  It’s like a magical galaxy with endless information and beauty that swirls with emotions, feelings, sensation and even symbolic imagery.  We just need to travel into this dimension and this world regularly, consciously so we need not erupt at the seams or act out and distract from it with our “vices” or addictions.

So, sit or lie down and take several deep breaths.  Allow your eyes to close.  With each breath just sink deeper and deeper into your body and notice anything that calls your attention.  Is there a muscle ache or a tingling sensation anywhere?  Is there an image or emotion that comes to mind?  Just allow what is there, first thing that comes.   Say hello to it, honor it.  Imagine that part sitting beside you.   Ask it why it is calling for your attention.  Become that part of you and speak on its behalf.  What wisdom and information does it have to share with you?  What does it need from you?  What do you have to say to this part?

Don’t think too much here just consciously feel what is calling for your attention.  Meet your inner wisdom where it exists.  There is so much in there so just focus on the loudest aspect that is calling you today.  Sit with it in silence, maybe just say hi and sit there to start. And work your way up to conversation.  Simply by acknowledging it, it will begin to shift.

This new moon with mercury retrograde feels like a cleansing, a lesson in absorbing the inner wisdom and releasing the past.  It’s like we are simultaneously clearing the old while setting the new foundational intentions.  It’s quite interesting.   Maybe this month you can set an intention for self-connection, going inward, reflecting, hearing, listening to the Sacred Body as a regular soul nourishing practise.  What can you do to self-connect and go inward a little more?  Watch for more posts this month to help guide you with some self-reflection activities and inner world explorations.  Be sure to follow the blog by adding your email to get the posts.  J

This is my specialty, going inward, going into the shamanic territory of the inner body where all parts of us exist…the perfectionist, the addictive parts, the controller, the over achiever, the self-sabotager, the wounded self.  It’s like a sea of segregated parts…all hiding the Big Kahuna…our wild, primal souls.  If you’d like to work deeper into your inner realm and learn how to exist in more regularly as your wild, tribal, primal soul email me at  crystalchagnon22@gmail.com. To explore some one on one work together.

sacred body 2Happy New Moon & Inner Reflections this month.

🙂

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A Writing Ritual for the Cancer Full Moon.

writing moonHappy Full Moon!!!  This month and new year, we have the Full Moon fall in the sign of Cancer.  And it’s potent!

Yesterday I felt an inner agitation, emotional, and weepy.  It felt like I was sitting in a classroom having to listen to nails scratching on the chalk board, I was buzzing with agitation and the urge to run. Things are coming up so they can be fully released.  As I laid in bed last night I just allowed myself to see that this emotional energy is a gift, a message from my soul and from Source guiding me along my path.  I seen it like a bag full of information to sit with and guide me in my life regarding certain circumstances and even as big as my life purpose.   All I had to do was sit with it and feel it.  Today I feel much better, full of optimism and excitement at the changes that lie ahead, all just cause I sorted through the bag and listened to the emotional gifts.

I menstruate with the full moon so the emotional intensity is generally quite high during these times for me.  I peak emotionally with the full moon, that’s when the emotional and intuitive information comes forth brightly, and at full force as the moon shines bright in the sky.  Throw in a Full Moon in Cancer, a water sign and you can understand my emotional intensity and the loads of wisdom trying to come through and guide me.  With the New Moon starting in last year’s term, this full moon feels like we are dealing with and wrapping up the emotional cargo of last year.

I was guided to pull two tarot cards for this Full Moon and the first was a water card, an emotional card with the #5 called Emotional Loss.  Fitting…just fitting!  It speaks to honoring our losses, perhaps of the last year or the past four year cycle in general.  It’s easy to stuff down, ignore, or rationalize our losses and believe we are done with them but it’s also important to take time and grieve, feel, release and allow ourselves to fully let go of  all the different depths of these emotions. Like really absorb their gifts and then let go.  I went through something life changing, even shattering, completing altering my life course just over four years ago and for a long time my life was chaos and in survival mode, just getting through all the change.  And last year I got to sit and settle and allow myself to root for the first time in five years.

This year is now about action, about starting the new…new life, new phase, new cycle.  That means many new beginnings and experiences.  It’s like we are at the crux of the old and the new and we simply need to sit and reflect, feel and absorb all we went through and then release.  And in doing so, you allow room for the new energies, new beginnings to move in and begin to take shape.

The second card that came up was a major card called Truth or in a traditional tarot deck called Judgement..  It speaks to a spiritual awakening, a revelation of truth.  I feel if we allow our selves to feel our emotional losses, feel the gratitude, blessings and wisdom of the dark moments we’ve experienced, we will be lead to the Truth, that’s truth with a capital T.  We have learned and gained wisdom from the depths of our losses, and dare I say that they had great purpose to them.  The Truth card speaks to a significant change with this realization as well, that indeed a significant change must be made in some aspects of our life with our new found wisdom.  So go ahead, reflect on the endings and losses from last year or even four year cycle with this writing ritual.

FULL MOON RITUAL:

If you can wait until the dark night sky and allow the Moon to shine her bright beams.  Start with lighting a candle.  Maybe you want to smudge or simply light an incense.  Get your self a nice cup of tea, your journal, paper and a pen.  Sit at your altar if you have one or close by and take in three deep breaths.

Allow yourself to imagine the losses of the past year or the past four year cycle transforming into a person, a being, you are sitting with and having a conversation. Take out your pen and paper and just let your hand flow, no thinking about anything and just let the losses speak to you as a person sitting right next to you.  What do they have to say to you?  Why did they came into your life?   What were the gifts of their presence?  Then say back on paper, what you need to say to this presence as well.  Get everything off your chest.  Then list and voice out loud what you are grateful for from the losses. What new things, gifts, or aspects came about through them?  For me I found a confidence and strength in me I could not have known.  I came closer and closer to Spirit.  I found true love.  etc. etc.  When it feels complete to you imagine saying good-bye to this person of loss and imagine them floating up into the night sky, like a soul moving from the physical world to the spirit world.  See them floating and vanishing into new radiant energy, released and transformed into energy that the universe can use for Good. As you sit there feel the beams of Grandmother Moon caressing you, holding you and shining light and love into you, like you were a tea cup filling with water.  Absorb the light, feel lit.  Enjoy it.

You can release the papers into the wind or burn them if you wish. To wrap up the ritual, blow out your candle and thank yourself, Mother Earth, Grandmother Moon and the Universe for being present.

Some final thoughts…

At this full moon things have come to a point of crisis or change.  We feel so rattled, so needing a change and new way of being we must DO something different.  We need to take action and shake up the norm.

It feels like a bursting, explosion, eruption of all that was and now we stand there with the shards all around us.  There are many directions, many paths.  It’s time to plot out our own.  It’s time to choose one and begin the trek onward into the new. It’s time for something new.  We are no longer locked in one place or stuck carrying all the heavy emotional stuff of the past, we need to decide how we will now move out into the world.  What is our purpose?  What do we want?  How can I try something different to get the cage wheel going in a new direction?  What excites me or is pulling my attention?  So this full moon, try something different from now til the end of the month.  Take a new class, start a new challenge, meet someone new.  Just do something different and toss your desire for something new into the wind.

And so it is!

Happy Full Moon.

Aho!

new

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