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How to Actually & Consciously Feel Your Feelings – A New Moon Intention & Soul Lesson

self acceptanceIn my restorative yoga class last night I took to the mat in a supported child’s pose and suddenly couldn’t breathe.  It felt like my lungs were being crushed and I could not catch my breath.  I was going to lose it, like weep right there on the mat.  The room started to spin and I felt tears start to well it my eyes.  “Keep it together…keep it together,” I kept silently saying to myself.  When the yoga instructor inquired if I was okay as I sat up out of the pose, I almost let out a loud whale but managed to say I couldn’t’ breathe.

The well of emotion took a hit and sprung a leak but I didn’t want it to erupt mid yoga class.  I’m a unique duck who goes on emotional journeys and works with different parts of myself whilst in these calming and restorative poses.  I don’t float away, I float inward, towards what is already stewing inside or what has been lying dormant my entire life.

I feel like I came face to face with a deep deep wound, a wound that is held in the physical ailment pattern of my blood issue. It’s my thirteen year old self.  I’ve tended to this part of me for years.  It’s the time when I lost connection to my body and caged my soul and started to live my life in the edges of self-harm with an eating disorder and alcohol misuse.  I acted out my pain and my disconnection and severing from my feminine, wild soul.  Her and I have done a lot of healing work together (my 13 year old self) but suddenly she’s re-emerged.

As I flipped onto my back and opened my heart chakra in yoga class to reign in my emotional meltdown, I started to inquire within about the grief trying to ooze out of me.  My thoughts went to an email I received from a good friend in response to one of my blogs.  I was dumbfounded.  I was so moved by her healing, her growing… her awareness.  I was so humbled that some of my sharing had really sunk in for her, resonated with her in such a powerful way.  I had not known that some of our conversations she really had digested and absorbed.   I wasn’t sure she really bought in to what I was saying at times, it’s quite opposite to the general accepted norm.

As a professional therapist, I’ve helped a lot of different people.  But this was different.  I felt heard and celebrated from the depths of me, from the place of my soul.   From the place that had been silenced, tamed and hidden away from the world because nobody gave her permission to emerge and shine.   My wild, primal voice once silenced is now being shared, heard and better yet…received from others, like a knowing and remembering they already owned.  That’s how it happened for me, shaman and teacher Lynn Andrews spoke words and a language that my DNA had already known but was just waiting to emerge, just waiting to erupt forth into my veins and consciousness.  Now I’ve found my way to live them, even though our society largely disconnects from or unacknowledges our emotional and spiritual realms, I go there and experience them regularly.  That is my purpose.  That is my life line to balance, and fulfillment.  It is the pathway to my confidence and self-worth in the world.

This wounded thirteen year old self at times emerges when I get triggered or fearful and she takes over my body momentarily.  I get frozen in fear and in that automatic response, I get silent and small.

Sometimes I get frustrated that I need to continually tend to this part of me, my inner child that seems to range in ages.  I wonder why she can’t just go away or be healed already.  The Creator knows I’ve worked my but off to tend to her and heal my past.  My ego has a pre-conceived idea that I should be done already, able to move on and forward with no emotional upheaval.  Ha! Silly goose that ego is.

What I’ve come to learn is to simply just witness and make space for whatever it is that is occurring within.  I cannot control what I feel or rid myself of some of my emotional responses triggered by past wounding experiences,  I can only witness them and tend to them and know that over time they lessen.  I guess I can try and ignore and escape them but I’ve done that gig already via eating disorder and too much boozin’.   And in the end, I still had to face what was there anyways.

So what if we simply let go and stopped trying to control the uncontrollable?  What if we simply allowed our natural reactions and allowed them to be as they are while offering them what they need ourselves.  This is the gift of the Aquarian New Moon…non-attachment (as shared by my pal Bekah Finch).  What if we simply observed our reactions and responses as neither good nor bad but as messengers?  What if we simply heard them and witnessed them, maybe even gave voice to them so we could better understand and honor them, rather than poo- pooing them away?!

In sitting with my thirteen year old self on my yoga mat, I know she is just moving through a release, a dumping out of the old cargo that has been held there for so long.  An old pattern is being shaved away and with it a new one taking shape.   There’s going to be some emotional release with that.  Her responses are to freeze in fear and collapse into silence.   As I play witness to her (seeing and watching an image of her my mind’s eye), I tell her I got her back as my adult self and stand in front of her to protect her.  I tell her she is safe and supported, I am here, I will protect her.  I will DEFEND her.  I will use my voice and stand my ground on her behalf when she feels threatened.  I’ve got her. And as I tell her that I see her begin to shift.

In working with this 13 year-old part of me, I’m aware that she feels both relief and grief.  That’s all she’s ever wanted was support and validation.  She’s just wanted someone to have her back.  Hence the grief.  So I allowed myself to whale on the way home from yoga class and release what needed to be released.  It’s that simple.  I don’t have depression, I’m not crazy, I am real life, feeling human on a spiritual life journey.  My emotions are gifts, messengers from the Divine leading back home to myself.

As such, I have issues with my spleen, it swells, it hurts, it aches.  It has for years.  In the book The Secret Language of Your Body by Inna Segal issues with the spleen speaks to, “Feeling helpless, disconnected from feminine energy, fearful, frozen, angry, frustrated.  Overly sensitive and easily swayed…continually worrying and stressing about others.”   My spleen is holding the soul wounds of having separating and betraying my wild, feminine soul and the layers of grief has been long held in the fibers of my spleen and lungs.   I’m currently focusing much of my time and energy on these long held emotional wounds held in the depths of this physical illness.  In tending to the underlying emotional and spiritual patterns I believe I will heal my illness, I believe I will at least get more physical stability in my health as I uncover, unwind and release the twisted wounds in my body’s fibers.  I’m already starting to see the changes.  That is my intention for 40 straight days, to work with the emotional and spiritual wounds while on my yoga mat.  So far I’m on day 16.

So let us practice a teaching most of us missed growing up on this Aquarius new moon.  Nobody sat us down and showed us the way inward, down into the body to reflect and feel our emotions.  So may I be so honored to share with you the way home, the way in, the way to your deepest self.  Let’s practise this conscious journey inward to our bodies, the magical inner realm where our emotions, spirit, desires, needs, wants, wounds and unconscious mind exists.  It’s like a magical galaxy with endless information and beauty that swirls with emotions, feelings, sensation and even symbolic imagery.  We just need to travel into this dimension and this world regularly, consciously so we need not erupt at the seams or act out and distract from it with our “vices” or addictions.

So, sit or lie down and take several deep breaths.  Allow your eyes to close.  With each breath just sink deeper and deeper into your body and notice anything that calls your attention.  Is there a muscle ache or a tingling sensation anywhere?  Is there an image or emotion that comes to mind?  Just allow what is there, first thing that comes.   Say hello to it, honor it.  Imagine that part sitting beside you.   Ask it why it is calling for your attention.  Become that part of you and speak on its behalf.  What wisdom and information does it have to share with you?  What does it need from you?  What do you have to say to this part?

Don’t think too much here just consciously feel what is calling for your attention.  Meet your inner wisdom where it exists.  There is so much in there so just focus on the loudest aspect that is calling you today.  Sit with it in silence, maybe just say hi and sit there to start. And work your way up to conversation.  Simply by acknowledging it, it will begin to shift.

This new moon with mercury retrograde feels like a cleansing, a lesson in absorbing the inner wisdom and releasing the past.  It’s like we are simultaneously clearing the old while setting the new foundational intentions.  It’s quite interesting.   Maybe this month you can set an intention for self-connection, going inward, reflecting, hearing, listening to the Sacred Body as a regular soul nourishing practise.  What can you do to self-connect and go inward a little more?  Watch for more posts this month to help guide you with some self-reflection activities and inner world explorations.  Be sure to follow the blog by adding your email to get the posts.  J

This is my specialty, going inward, going into the shamanic territory of the inner body where all parts of us exist…the perfectionist, the addictive parts, the controller, the over achiever, the self-sabotager, the wounded self.  It’s like a sea of segregated parts…all hiding the Big Kahuna…our wild, primal souls.  If you’d like to work deeper into your inner realm and learn how to exist in more regularly as your wild, tribal, primal soul email me at  crystalchagnon22@gmail.com. To explore some one on one work together.

sacred body 2Happy New Moon & Inner Reflections this month.

🙂

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Booyah! Your Body is Calling, Pick up the Phone!

BODY IMAGELoving your body is an inside job.  It is recognizing that She, your body, is your soul in form, an extension of the deepest part of you.  Loving your body is really about connecting to your Essence found WITHIN your body.  This can be a bit of a foreign concept for some of us who were taught that Spirit is outside of our bodies and the body is just a place of sin and weakness. I challenge this assumption.  Hogwash I say!  Your body is a Sacred Keeper and the physical form of the deepest part of you. This is called Embodied Spirituality, where connecting to your body is really connecting to the Divine.

Can you begin to have the intention of uniting your mind and body in a sacred union, a true and loving kinship? This means approaching your body as an equal, even as captain of the team.  This is a much different way than treating your body like a thing to dominate and a thing to push past it’s limits.  It is letting go of mind over body mantra and instead following the body’s lead.  It is opposite of everything we have learned and it will take some unlearning, believe me, I too lived that mantra.  I played competitive sports and we trained until we puked, pushed to the limits and beyond and called that success. My body has since rebelled as I continued to live a life of overdoing.  She has said no more, too much, no you won’t overdo, over-extend, over push, over carry, over burden me/us anymore.  She has put her foot down with the manifestation of an autoimmune disorder that I believe has evolved out of refusal to hear Her and slow down.  Now, I have no choice but to pay attention.  I’ve had to find another pace, another gear and slow way down in order to do life or I will have an autoimmune attack and end up in hospital.

Marion Woodman, a Jungian Analyst who specialized in the Lost Goddess said in a speech for Conscious Femininity, “You know, you must wander in a culture where autoimmune break down is the most prevalent of diseases — lupus, AIDS, cancer, chronic fatigue syndrome — these are all illnesses in which the body refuses to play host to the soul.” Booyah! That kinda hits you in the gut doesn’t it.

In mind-body therapy, we look for the metaphorical message in the illness.  Illness is often accompanied with unresolved emotion or belief patterns. In the book The Secret Language of Your Body by Inna Segal, autoimmune illness is associated with “…an inability to stand up for yourself.  Weighed down by responsibility.  Always putting others first.  Anger, resentment, blame and guilt…” For me, I regularly pushed past my limits, over committed, over did things, held everything on my shoulders and did not ask for help.  I didn’t stand up for my own limits, I didn’t stand up for my body’s needs or my souls needs.  I put other’s needs ahead of my own, and I sacrificed me time, down time or rest time in the name of getting more things done or to squeeze in an extra workout.

Autoimmune illness is literally the manifestation of the mind attacking the body.  For me, it is the manifestation of my mind pushing my body past it’s limits continually, never checking into see how things feel or where the body’s energy levels are at.  It is keeping it up too late, feeding it too little, forcing it to exercise extraneously, stressing it with life, having a thousand and one commitments to tend to and pretending there is no emotion within about the way I’m doing life.  It was living with an “I am fine” illusion when I wanted to cry at every stop sign I sat at. In fact, I pretended I was superwoman and to say I was struggling would have ruined my facade.  I rarely rested or fed my soul through creativity or stillness.  I only collapsed in exhaustion or used alcohol to disconnect from the exploding reality trying to burst out of my insides that I couldn’t manage the pace of my life any longer.  Then one day, I collapsed at work and life was never the same because an autoimmune disorder was born.

We must balance DOING with the Sacred Task of BEING!  Being is experiencing life with a pure intention of peace, joy, fun and play. It is not checking off the to do list or creating things for the purpose of getting accolades. It is refilling the energy tank, the love tank, the self-esteem tank, and the feel good to be alive tank all in one. It is experienced through stillness…conscious stillness, reflection, journaling, even when you really don’t want to or would rather watch TV and zone out.  It is also creativity, creative expression, and a dumping out of the emotional tub inside. It is walking outside and feeling the wind caress your face or it is sticking your tongue out and tasting a snow flake.  It is life lived at a slower pace, in the moment, focused on the beauty and wonder around us. It is connecting to the Universe, the Divine, to God & the Goddess, the Creator, the stars, the moon, the wind, the water and fire, because we need and crave meaning, spiritual connection, and emotional release in our lives.  We need to do less more often.  Did you hear that…do LESS more often! We need to have way more fun and play in life and accomplish less.  (This statement might get some great comments lol)

When we are so busy, over doing, over extended, over exhausted, there is no room for the soul, we don’t take presence in our own body.  We don’t step foot in our own two feet, we just float around in our minds going through our life tasks spiritually vacant.   Maybe we find ourselves wanting to cry out of nowhere and we aren’t sure why…this my friends is the soul’s tears.  They will leak out in the moments of stillness right before bed or when things just keep getting compounded and challenging that we can’t keep it together, we burst at the seems.  That moment is a gift, a call home to your Essence!

sacred body2GRATITUDE JOURNAL FOR MY DIVINE BODY.

So take five minutes and for today, write 5 things you are grateful for about your body.  Thank your legs for carrying you from place to place and the ability to move.  Thank your hands for doing such amazing work tending to the children or cooking meals.  Thank your gut for digesting food and helping you have life force energy to go about your day.  Thank your ears for the ability to hear a beautiful song or your child’s laugh.

Let’s appreciate our life giving, soul holding bodies today and everyday!  Let’s take things a little slower, a little gentler, a little more focused on fun and less on outcome.

And so it is 🙂

Crystal

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