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April Full Moon .. change is in the air !

Hello friends!

It has been a long while since I’ve written my words anywhere. I have not put pen to paper in a long time and I’ not fully sure why. To be honest, I’ve been uninspired, in a lull, in a lost, disconnected soulful way. My soul has needed resuscitation…an electric shock into life again.

I’m craving Spirit… it’s something that was at the very epicentre of my being and my everyday life. But life herself pulled me off course and into the land of the lost so I’d get so restless and stuck that I’d be willing forced to move, change and reevaluate everything. And I have.

I’ve been craving change in many parts of my life and I feel like this year has change as it’s main theme. Change is occurring at our roots, in our bones and at our foundation. This is huge! When you make change here you make change everywhere.

But mostly what I’m craving and needing and wanting ohhhh so bad again is connection…connection to myself , to others and to the Divine.

I knew drastic new roads were imperative to shake my life up and whip up the inspiration and break me free from the stuckness.

It’s scary to walk a new road… I feel uncertain of myself and wonder if I can do it. Doubt and fear set in, part of the growing pains but ones we must work beyond and through.

I’m so used to being defined by an illness but I don’t want that for myself . As I walk the new road I feel unsure of my footing… I wonder if I’ll be ok or if the illness will come in and turn my life upside down once again. But that illness and I have come to a truce … I don’t need it to come and take over my life for I can have a voice and express my needs and set my boundaries and really take responsibility for myself and shoulder only what I can, not what I think I should. It’s on me to take care of me… and that’s fucking scary in a way. I’m fully responsible for my health and well-being…period. I really need to speak up when I’m tired or can’t do something or simply don’t want to. No pushing or forcing myself only loving my body and heart for what it really needs.

So as I walk down this new path fear takes ahold of me and I go to the worse possible outcome … more illness.. more time in hospitals, failure, doubt, and uncertainty. I don’t want to go down this rabbit hole.

So, instead I’m taking a moment to stop and take some breaths and to trust this is part of the road of feeding my soul back into aliveness. What if this trail works out great .. in fact in the best possible way? What would be the outcome ? What could I expect instead with a mindset of confidence, trait and faith ?

I bet I’d feel alive again, increase my sense of confidence , feel like myself , connect with others , connect to myself.

What if this road ignites my aliveness so much that I find my soul bursting with colourful shawls and rainbow energy beams so much that I create the connections I crave a need and so deeply want.

What if I found spiritually in my everyday life again simply by feeling alive and not like I was dying. What is I created space and circles where other like minded women joined me to discover their own depths and aliveness. Yes! Yes! What if this all just works out like Divine poem unfolding each word at a time.

Spirit always shows up for me when I ask and trust and just like that I had message from Creation calming me and my nerves. I wasn’t even quite sure what it was but when you call Spirit .. . Creation comes a running. I happen to see an article with this particular bird. I hadn’t even heard of it but it is what the exact bird was visiting my property swooping down in the creek.

It was an Osprey… and osprey’s message for us is upon this Aries full moons and change in our lives.

I invite you to ride the waves of change and allow the discomfort or expansion pains to exist but keep fiercely moving forward.

“Osprey – The Beacon

Keywords:

The Beacon. King of Coasts and Cliffs. Water and Wind. Yin and Yang. The Sun. Solar Worship. Plundering Resources. Overcoming ‘Grass is Greener’ Syndrome. Respecting Others. Honing the Senses. Precise Timing. Streamlining. Environmental Awareness. Comfort Zones.

Lessons:

– The osprey is connected to all aspects of solar worship. And can come into one’s life to emphasise the value and healing properties of the sun, and to help those who practice mystically or spiritually to facilitate sun-god communion.

– An osprey doesn’t wait for the fish to jump out of the water to meet him, instead he splashes in headfirst into an element that he could not survive within. He even places his head under the water – unlike sea-eagles. He teaches us how to plunder our resources and the necessity to move outside of our comfort zones in order to do this. Osprey teaches us to take risks, and to not be frightened of grasping opportunities just because they seem like they’re out of our reach.

– An appearance of osprey in your life can indicate an appearance of the spirit in the form of the Beacon, coming to guide you back to a place of safety or security, or to a feeling of groundedness.

– In terms of working on an energy or elemental level, osprey energy can be called upon when working with the elements of water and wind.

– Osprey tells us that what is right in front of us, is enough, and that we must overcome ‘grass is greener’ syndrome and constantly wonder ‘what if?’ about how much better things are on the other side of our horizons.

Ospreys come into our life to teach us how to hone our senses, on both a physical and spiritual level. We might have become lazy with meditation, or with a physical endeavour we used to enjoy. We might have let our brains, bodies and spirits become sluggish. Osprey claws us back into shape, so that we learn that we nourish ourselves when we’re honed. ”

http://www.wildspeak.com/animalenergies/osprey.html

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A Healing Ritual For the April Full Moon

moon lodgeHappy Full Moon Women’s Tribe ūüôā¬† Here we are all the full moon and in the bingo bango bongo of four retrograde planets!¬† Eekers. It is a time evaluation, of reflection, of looking back at what needs to be healed in the past so we can carry forward with more ease and gentleness in the now and in our futures.¬† That is the gift of retrogrades.¬†¬† It’s not always easy as our old stuff emerges and comes to the for front but heck, let’s let it.¬† Allow it.¬† Make room for it at the kitchen table as though it were your long lost aunt.¬† We must honor its’ existence and take a look.¬† Feel it.¬† Set it on its’ way…out of body, out of our bones, released from our tissue.

For me, I’ve been lingering in trauma memories.¬† I thought I had done my healing around this but life and emotional breakdowns, says the healing is not done.When I had my first baby my first husband just didn’t deal with the transition into fatherhood well and basically bailed.¬† He did it in a manner that was hurtful, in a way he knew best…to cheat and chose another woman.¬† My highest conscious Self knows that he wasn’t conscious or aware enough to talk and tell me that he was struggling or lost or unsure if he could handle being both a husband and father simultaneously.¬† And so he left and chose her.¬† He didn’t know how to say that he could not be who I needed or was asking of him so he acted it out to express it to me.¬† I get that on a soul level, but it was still emotionally and mentally devastating and one of the most painful experiences of my life.¬† (As well as the best thing that could have happened in the long run).¬† I associate having a baby with pain and struggle and loss.

I ended up on my own with baby, in a new apartment (he got the house), lost my job (found another), he got our dogs as he was in the house and me in an apartment.¬† And there I was in the threshold of new motherhood trying to keep my head above water, wondering if I could support myself and baby, manage motherhood and a full-time job, etc..etc..¬† It was devastating, so much change all at one time.¬† It was shocking actually.¬† I felt really abandoned and alone.¬† Navigating custody battles when you were wronged and nobody gave a poop was crazy making.¬† I struggled most with the fact that I could not be with my baby all the time cause of the choice he made, I had to lose time with my son.¬† I had to share custody.¬† There was little to no consequence for him or his actions…he got to keep the house (he did have to buy me out), he had his regular job, and he got what he wanted…to be a part-time dad all by betraying our vows, lying, and being with another woman.¬† I on the other hand got my world shattered and was continually told in court that I had to keep the emotional stuff separate from the custody, like I was not supposed to have feelings for what I went through.¬†¬† I was treated like the problem, not him.¬† CRAZY. MAKING!

Anywho…years have passed.¬† I’m happily remarried with a new baby who’s almost 9months old.¬† Well my husband has been working out of town for the last few months and I have been on my own with the kids for weeks at a time.¬† It has totally triggered all those memories.¬† The emotions, the forgotten dark times, the memories I blocked out…all coming back with a vengeance….to the point I cry and cry and cry.¬† I’ve done trauma therapy, emotional release work, journalling, creative expression, you name it…I’ve released so much and yet the memories of being on my own with a baby linger in my gut, in my blood, in my immune system.¬† There is more to be released.

This full moon is asking us to revisit past sore spots and evaluate how they impact the now.¬† What’s been coming up?¬† An old relationship?¬† An old patter of self-sabotage or job loss or endings, break-ups, loss in general?¬† Allow it my friends. Pull out the chair and have it sit down with you.

FULL MOON HEALING RITUALsacred body 2

Find a cozy space, light a candle and some incents.  Have a cup of tea or a glass of wine and grab and pen and paper.  We are going to write a letter to ourselves in the past that was struggling (And still has some to release).  We are going to offer this part of ourselves what she needs.

Allow what comes…..but here’s some points to remember to include.

-Honor and recognized and validate your younger self’s feelings and experiences.

-Ask that part of you what she needs.

-Allow her to answer.

-Imagine bringing this part of you to a time in your past where you experienced and received what she is needing.¬† So if you are needing to feel love or trust, remember a time when you did.¬† Who’s with you.¬† What are you doing?¬† What season is it?¬†¬† What time of day?¬† What are you doing together?¬† What are the smells in the air.¬† What colors and temperature is it?¬† Breathe in the sensation of experiencing what she/you needs.¬† Where do you feel it?¬† See it as a ball of energy and let it spread throughout your body, allow the feeling to expand and really experience it sensationally for a few minutes.

Write about it…and bring her back now with the memories.

 

Here’s mine.

To my 28 year old self,

First off, I see you. I hear you. I honor you.¬† I know how much pain you endured and you still carry.¬† I see it, I feel it, I honor that it’s there.¬† I think you are so strong for making it, for carrying on, for doing what you need to do to survive and care for your son.¬† I’m so proud of you.

I know you are struggling, I see you, I feel you, I hear you with all the emotions that you are arising within me….what do you need my love?

I need to feel not so alone…not so abandonned, not so isolated like I have to everything myself.¬† I feel trapped and caged and scared.¬† It’s so heavy and painful to carry it all myself.¬† I can’t believe I have to do this myself.

As I reflect on when I have felt the most supported and loved and held is when I was in Lynn Andrews School.¬† My classmates were my sisterhood.¬† And so I bring her to one of our circles and fires where they all gave me healing and love.¬†¬† They drummed and rattled and held me in loving energy like I never felt before.¬† I was one of them, and they were part of me.¬† They held me, they supported me, they were always there for me, even though we lived all over the world.¬† I let them offer to her what they offered me then.¬† I imagine her feeling the drum beat and the sound of the rattles….we are in a dark space with candles and fairy lights and the smell of sage burning lingers in the air.¬† I tell her to let the drum fill her body up with strength and support and to feel the love.¬† I tell her to look into the fire and hear it crackle and to see how a web of women in the spirit world also connected to her and holding her, the Sisterhood of the Shields, the Grandmothers, her guides, her power animals, her ancestors, the fairies…they are all surrounding her and with her at all times giving her strength and power. ¬† They all have a hand on her shoulder, she is the farthest thing from alone. I ask her to imagine that strength and love and power is like gold dust being sent from everyone in the room and in the energy world to her.¬† I ask her to imagine it going in her and with each inhale in her body and with each second that passes she is being beamed with the light of strength and sisterhood.

I close my eyes and feel the sensations with her.¬† I feel the web of women weaving love around me and her supporting us and holding us.¬†¬†¬† Each drum beat strengthens us with inner power and confidence.¬†¬† I tell her to see it filling her body, to feel the confidence and love and support.¬† She does and so do I.¬† I can see she feels stronger and supported…a shift has happened I feel it in my heart chakra.¬† I thank everyone at the circle with us for such a powerful experience and I grab her hand and go through a door that lingers in a giant boulder into the now… bringing with us the felt experience and gifts of support and love and strength into the now.¬† I imagine putting a shawl on her to remind her of the hands that hugged her and literally have and touched her back offering their support.¬† I allow that image of her feeling stronger with her shawl in my heart to expand and fill my body.

And so it is….

 

Happy FULL HEALING MOON.

xo Crystal

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Full Moon, healing, meditation, Uncategorized, womens health

April Full Moon- A Healing Inner Journey Ritual

fullmoonaprilOkay, here it is on a silver platter…my triggers, my wounds, my scabs and scars. ¬†This full moon is shining her light upon them. ¬†We are being called to heal, to dig deeper, to follow the pain to it’s root.

And this is mine…I hate it when I don’t feel heard. ¬†I hate feeling like someone is trying to dominate or control me. ¬†I want to shriek to the mountain tops and yell, just fricken listen to me! ¬†Hear me, respect me and honor my perspective. ¬†This is an eon old wound for many of us, one that has likely been passed from generation to generation. ¬†We have been silenced by dominance, by fear, by¬†control. ¬†And we are now finding our power but with this awakening is the transcending of the old wounds.

I was used to surrendering my power and my voice, it was my pattern. Now, it has shifted to me being overly on guard, protective and at times demanding when my wound is cracked open…sad but humbly true. I’m reactive in the guts and blood of my hurt and I want control while I’m in the battle ground of the old painful memories. ¬†I have sadly at times become dominant and controlling in the face of feeling unheard.

I’m so afraid of falling back to powerlessness and voicelessness I swing to the other side of the tracks and exert defensiveness, doubt and assume the worst possible outcome in a situation or about another. ¬†This happens after trauma. You feel like everything is un-safe at first until slowly but surely, you have moments of safety and trust again. ¬†Yet the memory, the pain of ¬†betrayal and of hurt lurks underneath taunting your belief structures….”Assume the worst…protect yourself…assume they will fail or hurt you…be cautious…”

Here’s the deal, I used to surrender all my needs and wants in my relationships timidly and passively and I got very burned in my last marriage (that ended). ¬†As a protective response I have been so focused on my needs and wants completely so they would not fall to the wayside once again that I have kept on my protective metal suit out of fear. ¬†It has become my patterned response out of the memory of being so broken and hurt. ¬†I armor up in situations that don’t need armoring, rather than be a sharer of power. ¬†I placed myself first (which is lovely) but can border on selfish and inappropriate in a union. ¬†There are two people’s needs in relationships, not just one. ¬†It’s a balance of compromise, compassion, kindness, and understanding. I have wanted all of that myself and I have not always offered it. ¬†I was victimizing myself when I wasn’t being victimized, only remembering the memories of my timid stance and ways in old relationships as a result have acted dominant. (not always but sometimes, when the button is really hit).

There sure are power battles in my relationship and I think we are finding a way to both feel like we have a sense of power together, in union. ¬†Sometimes I will lead and other times I will let him lead. ¬†This is hard for me…to let him lead. ¬†It doesn’t always have to go my way, I don’t have to go take the reins all the time. ¬†I can trust.

This is the essence of this Full Moon. ¬†It is summoning up the wounds, the core, the muck at the root so we can really, really heal. ¬†The loss of my voice, the silencing of my voice, the lack of use of my voice…these are my issues. ¬†This moon is calling us to explore our sense of personal power and how that translates in our lives…and in our relationships.

It’s time to apply the balmy healing salve to heal it once and for all.

I have been reactive in my triggers in the last few months and since the New Moon I am more focused on witnessing and responding. ¬†I am seeing the other and offering them what I need and want in the moment…to be heard. I’m offering kindness and respect rather than rage and even though things are emerging, they are not exploding like little hand-bombs in my everyday life.

So on this full Moon I invite you to take a step back and witness the chaos. As Lynn Andrews says, “stand in the eye of the storm and let it swirl around you while you stay rooted up against a tree.” ¬†Things are changing, swirling, moving and we are asked to stand in the storm and allow it. ¬†There is healing in change, in the swirls, in the upheaval that can emerge when we open the can of woundedness. ¬†Allow it in…trust in the path and the Great Mother herself.

FULL MOON INNER JOURNEY RITUAL full moon journey

Spark up those candles and incense, take a few deep breaths and float into the dream world.

Imagine you are in a safe, calm, peaceful place, whatever that is for you..  Go with whatever comes up first.  I want to imagine that a wise and loving presence is walking towards you.   What do you see?  Who is this presence? Do they have a name?  What do they look like or what are some unique features about this presence.

They take a seat beside you and you notice too that the wounded part of yourself is there too. What do you notice about this part of you?

Ask the wise and loving presence how you can help your wounded self heal and clear old worn out fearful ways of living.

What old belief structures need healing and releasing?

What if love enveloped you and you felt safe and cared for, supported?  How would your wounded self feel and think differently?

Journal your about your journey inwards and enjoy the healing benefits of wisdom and love.

Feel your feet on your floor or ground, blow out your candles and bring your hands to your own heart in gratitude and self-love.

Aho!

Here’s my journey:

My wise and loving presence is an old Native woman who I have worked with before in my dreams.  I see my wounded self in head to toe body armor like a tin soldier and yet underneath the armor I know there is a wise and growing woman.  What do I do to help heal this part of me I ask my grandmother presence?

“Take off her armor,” she says.

It feels raw and vulnerable as I remove the metal shields.  Now what I ask?  How can I help her feel stronger and transcend the past?

I see her implanting healing crystals all over my wounded self’s body where I feel weakened and fearful. ¬† She wraps me in scarves and says, this is gentler than metal armor. ¬†Love can still come in.

I can feel my heart still has a hole…a weak spot. ¬†She puts her hand over my chest and I can feel warmth.

“Time will help. ¬†New experiences will help.¬†What is the belief here?” she asks me as she continues to feel my heart energy.

I’m so afraid to go through such loss again, I’m not sure I’d make it this time.

“Are you willing to lose out on life just in case you might have more loss?¬†My sweet girl, there will always be loss but there is also a lot of good life.¬†If you keep the armor on you will create your own loss. ¬†You will lose love anyways.”

I’m so afraid for things to fall apart again after I have finally just rebuilt them. ¬†What if something happens to my baby? ¬†What if my marriage crumbles? ¬†What if I’m unable to return to work…what if, what if,what if??????

“Take a breath sweet girl,” she says. ¬†Fear has enveloped you.¬†What if love enveloped you? ¬†What would you think, see and feel?”

I’d see the wonder and amazing blessings I have in my life, I’d be focused on this and not the potential of loss. ¬†I’d be ecstatic that I’m having a baby, and allow in my excitement rather than shut it down. ¬†I’d enjoy the blissful moments of my marriage more often, in fact I’d probably create them more often. ¬†I’d see the sunshine and the grass growing and my beautiful, cozy, safe home. ¬†I’d feel how blessed I am and full my heart is rather than an empty fear. ¬†I’d be joyous.

“So let the scarves of love envelop you each morning and inhale the joy and wonder in your life,” she says.

She kisses my forehead and tells me to call upon her anytime.

And so it is!!!

Much love

xo

Crystal

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Photo 1 – tealhealing.blogspot.com

phote 2 – white wolf journeys. com