This past 37th year of my life, I’ve been working on my voice. I’ve been working on mostly using it and not giving the same old fucking nice answer like my mom would want me to.
I’ve been raised to be polite . And while I honour and respect politeness, I would never want my sons or myself or anyone I love to sacrifice their voice, their feelings, their thoughts or ideas or perceptions at the cost of being polite . And yet … I do it all the time!!!
As women we’ve been raised that way , that I know . We have been raised to be accommodating, and kind, and easy. And I’m fucking tired of that. In this last moon cycle in particular, I have been challenged on my boundaries, and my voice…and my worth!! My old pattern is to be the “good girl” and make things easy or simple because it’s what I’ve been taught to do to be loved or accepted.
But now… a fire has arisen in me. I will no longer violate my own self loving and self- worth, defining boundaries. I’m so used to giving just a little, to be flexible… And while I honour flexibility, I will not self sacrifice my peace or worth to achieve it. I did this on a kijiji sale and I couldn’t sleep for days!! I didn’t honour my boundary or hold firm because I was so worried about the other person instead of myself. And I gave in, and I felt sick for dishonouring myself. Like couldn’t sleep, punch in the gut sick kinda feeling. This is the body saying what the hell! A good lesson and powerful voicing from within. I hear you body/soul, I hear ya. No more self sacrificing, it only makes my soul pissy and when She’s pissy I’m pissy.
On this full moon I laid to rest a plant I got when I was 18 years old, I got it my first year of university. It suddenly died a couple months ago and I had to accept that it wasn’t coming back to life. I feel like it was reflective of this wounded part of me I’ve carried for more than 20 years.
Tonight on this full moon, I pulled it out of its container and laid it to rest on the Earth and in the trees. I laid to rest my inner little good girl and proclaimed to be one strong womanly force.
I shed a lot of tears for the silence and gentleness I have HELD in my throat because I thought it was the only way I’d be loved or accepted. And as I laid my silence to rest I called forth my voice and my fierceness. There is no more hiding my truth. I literally just don’t care anymore what people think because I care so much what I think.
I hope you too enjoy this intense and strong, powerful, and healing moon 🌝. And so it is !!