This month has been an interesting time. I’ve been trying to get back to work after a lengthy illness, one that I still live with.
It’s been a time of interesting learning and re-setting and sometimes re-stumbling into old patterns. My old way is full – speed ahead until I collapse. And truthfully I’ve kinda been doing that with this return to work.
I want to jump back in just like I used operate and live and I rushed in full force…and just like that my wise body halted me in my tracks with eruptions of cold sores and emergency visits. I’ve been forced to re-evaluate the pace and really accept the old way will never return and a new way, a new road, a new pace must be created.
The original illness tells me it emerged so I’d be forced to live with limits and boundaries. I didn’t have the power or respect for my body to listen, I didn’t have the strength or voice to express my needs and the illness was thus birthed into my life to teach me about my voicing. If I push too hard it flares. If the pace is too fast it slows me. As I’ve learned to live with it, it asks me for respect of what my body needs so it doesn’t need to rear its ugly head, screaming and reminding me of original agreement of a steadier slower more realistic pace of living…a life lived with using my voice and expressing my needs in whatever form they are.
This is hard to do in “the real world” I’ve discovered. It’s been hard to say… “I can’t do that much” and risk my job or my position. It’s hard to follow my bodies lead. My inner perfectionist wants to do 100% all the time and prove what I can do. But it’s kinda a bullshit gig because it’s not long standing.
My mind gets fearful I’ll end up in trouble or moved into a different role or office. And yet a part of me deep in my depths knows that when you follow your wise body, you are following Spirit. And when you’re following Spirit, you are always brought and lead to where you need to be. I know deep down somehow I’ll end up exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need, even though I know not what that is in this moment.
What I know is this.. I MUST follow the pace of my body and not the expectations of others or the fast paced world that has come to be. I struggle sometimes in knowing how or perhaps being brave enough to say that I can’t be super mom and woman and work full time and have my own interests, a marriage, a home to tend to, a life of beauty and joy I want to experience and not feel overwhelmed by. I can’t maintain the pace I used to.
I want to create a new pace in my reality and I am choosing to be brave enough to express my limits. I am not going to push beyond what I can and into collapse like I used to. I am changing the tempo and pace, I am listening to the needs of my body and following Her lead as though it was the most Sacred of acts I could ever do. I know deep down in my bones it is necessary for my health and survival. I know my body would and could up the anti if I do not listen.
I often feel my learning in this lifetime is one of un-learning. It’s risking walking to the beat of my own heart and soul and being different in a fast paced, production centered world . My heart and soul want balance and beauty and beingness mixed in with the doing. I want to live honouring both the masculine AND the Feminine in my everyday life and this is where my courage is being called. Can I do less and be ok with it? Can I change the unrealistic status quo and do what is healthy for me and maintain my sense of value and worth in the process .
My sense of success isn’t in achieving necessarily, it’s in exploring how one can maintain health and balance in oneself and in relationships while creating and achieving. It’s really living a life with the masculine and feminine in a passionate dance, a love duo on the dance floor of life.
So here’s to the tango of our lives 😘
Just felt like doing a little processing on the page… you all experiencing similar explorations at this unique celestial time ?