Happy Full Moon Women’s Tribe 🙂 Here we are all the full moon and in the bingo bango bongo of four retrograde planets! Eekers. It is a time evaluation, of reflection, of looking back at what needs to be healed in the past so we can carry forward with more ease and gentleness in the now and in our futures. That is the gift of retrogrades. It’s not always easy as our old stuff emerges and comes to the for front but heck, let’s let it. Allow it. Make room for it at the kitchen table as though it were your long lost aunt. We must honor its’ existence and take a look. Feel it. Set it on its’ way…out of body, out of our bones, released from our tissue.
For me, I’ve been lingering in trauma memories. I thought I had done my healing around this but life and emotional breakdowns, says the healing is not done.When I had my first baby my first husband just didn’t deal with the transition into fatherhood well and basically bailed. He did it in a manner that was hurtful, in a way he knew best…to cheat and chose another woman. My highest conscious Self knows that he wasn’t conscious or aware enough to talk and tell me that he was struggling or lost or unsure if he could handle being both a husband and father simultaneously. And so he left and chose her. He didn’t know how to say that he could not be who I needed or was asking of him so he acted it out to express it to me. I get that on a soul level, but it was still emotionally and mentally devastating and one of the most painful experiences of my life. (As well as the best thing that could have happened in the long run). I associate having a baby with pain and struggle and loss.
I ended up on my own with baby, in a new apartment (he got the house), lost my job (found another), he got our dogs as he was in the house and me in an apartment. And there I was in the threshold of new motherhood trying to keep my head above water, wondering if I could support myself and baby, manage motherhood and a full-time job, etc..etc.. It was devastating, so much change all at one time. It was shocking actually. I felt really abandoned and alone. Navigating custody battles when you were wronged and nobody gave a poop was crazy making. I struggled most with the fact that I could not be with my baby all the time cause of the choice he made, I had to lose time with my son. I had to share custody. There was little to no consequence for him or his actions…he got to keep the house (he did have to buy me out), he had his regular job, and he got what he wanted…to be a part-time dad all by betraying our vows, lying, and being with another woman. I on the other hand got my world shattered and was continually told in court that I had to keep the emotional stuff separate from the custody, like I was not supposed to have feelings for what I went through. I was treated like the problem, not him. CRAZY. MAKING!
Anywho…years have passed. I’m happily remarried with a new baby who’s almost 9months old. Well my husband has been working out of town for the last few months and I have been on my own with the kids for weeks at a time. It has totally triggered all those memories. The emotions, the forgotten dark times, the memories I blocked out…all coming back with a vengeance….to the point I cry and cry and cry. I’ve done trauma therapy, emotional release work, journalling, creative expression, you name it…I’ve released so much and yet the memories of being on my own with a baby linger in my gut, in my blood, in my immune system. There is more to be released.
This full moon is asking us to revisit past sore spots and evaluate how they impact the now. What’s been coming up? An old relationship? An old patter of self-sabotage or job loss or endings, break-ups, loss in general? Allow it my friends. Pull out the chair and have it sit down with you.
FULL MOON HEALING RITUAL
Find a cozy space, light a candle and some incents. Have a cup of tea or a glass of wine and grab and pen and paper. We are going to write a letter to ourselves in the past that was struggling (And still has some to release). We are going to offer this part of ourselves what she needs.
Allow what comes…..but here’s some points to remember to include.
-Honor and recognized and validate your younger self’s feelings and experiences.
-Ask that part of you what she needs.
-Allow her to answer.
-Imagine bringing this part of you to a time in your past where you experienced and received what she is needing. So if you are needing to feel love or trust, remember a time when you did. Who’s with you. What are you doing? What season is it? What time of day? What are you doing together? What are the smells in the air. What colors and temperature is it? Breathe in the sensation of experiencing what she/you needs. Where do you feel it? See it as a ball of energy and let it spread throughout your body, allow the feeling to expand and really experience it sensationally for a few minutes.
Write about it…and bring her back now with the memories.
To my 28 year old self,
First off, I see you. I hear you. I honor you. I know how much pain you endured and you still carry. I see it, I feel it, I honor that it’s there. I think you are so strong for making it, for carrying on, for doing what you need to do to survive and care for your son. I’m so proud of you.
I know you are struggling, I see you, I feel you, I hear you with all the emotions that you are arising within me….what do you need my love?
I need to feel not so alone…not so abandonned, not so isolated like I have to everything myself. I feel trapped and caged and scared. It’s so heavy and painful to carry it all myself. I can’t believe I have to do this myself.
As I reflect on when I have felt the most supported and loved and held is when I was in Lynn Andrews School. My classmates were my sisterhood. And so I bring her to one of our circles and fires where they all gave me healing and love. They drummed and rattled and held me in loving energy like I never felt before. I was one of them, and they were part of me. They held me, they supported me, they were always there for me, even though we lived all over the world. I let them offer to her what they offered me then. I imagine her feeling the drum beat and the sound of the rattles….we are in a dark space with candles and fairy lights and the smell of sage burning lingers in the air. I tell her to let the drum fill her body up with strength and support and to feel the love. I tell her to look into the fire and hear it crackle and to see how a web of women in the spirit world also connected to her and holding her, the Sisterhood of the Shields, the Grandmothers, her guides, her power animals, her ancestors, the fairies…they are all surrounding her and with her at all times giving her strength and power. They all have a hand on her shoulder, she is the farthest thing from alone. I ask her to imagine that strength and love and power is like gold dust being sent from everyone in the room and in the energy world to her. I ask her to imagine it going in her and with each inhale in her body and with each second that passes she is being beamed with the light of strength and sisterhood.
I close my eyes and feel the sensations with her. I feel the web of women weaving love around me and her supporting us and holding us. Each drum beat strengthens us with inner power and confidence. I tell her to see it filling her body, to feel the confidence and love and support. She does and so do I. I can see she feels stronger and supported…a shift has happened I feel it in my heart chakra. I thank everyone at the circle with us for such a powerful experience and I grab her hand and go through a door that lingers in a giant boulder into the now… bringing with us the felt experience and gifts of support and love and strength into the now. I imagine putting a shawl on her to remind her of the hands that hugged her and literally have and touched her back offering their support. I allow that image of her feeling stronger with her shawl in my heart to expand and fill my body.
And so it is….
Happy FULL HEALING MOON.
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