Lately, things have been tough on my end. It’s been an intense New Year, filled with challenges, exhaustion and illness. My son had pneumonia, my husband has been out of town working and I’ve been left to deal with the pockets of old trauma that keeps bubbling up from my past.
I have slept very little for the last six weeks due to my son’s (six months old) pneumonia. I’ve had to “sleep” (I use this term loosely) sitting up with him laying on my chest, so he can breathe more easily. His bouts of horrible coughing would occur anywhere between every half our to every two hours. He is finally clearing it out.
I got pushed way past my physical, emotional, spiritual and mental limits and I did what I always do… I did it anyways, I struggled, I didn’t ask for help when I should have and I landed in a hole of despair. I’ve been addicted to struggle and pain a lot in my life, like it’s my norm. Somehow it seems in my crooked thinking that it is noble, strong, and more badge worthy to struggle….badge worthy?! What badges you ask….hell if I know ! LOL 🙂
Many of us are moving through some emotional intensity and struggle right now. And what I’ve learned from my own is that we are being asked to do it differently, to heal in its grip, to let go…to lighten and free ourselves of the old stuck ways.
I put on what I think is my superhero cape and try and accomplish the impossible on my own…only to usually fall into an extreme exhaustion and despair and then resentment and a full blown pity party for not having help. It’s my own fault, I don’t ask for it…I really struggle with this and I take the long, hard road that fills me with the most thorns. Enduring pain became like a misguided map of strength for me. It feeds into this wounded belief that I’m all alone, I only have myself to survive. I’ve depended on it my whole life and yes at times it has helped but now it hinders my life. It cracks open these awful, painful memories and emotions of abandonment and struggle from my past and I get frozen in the doom. I leak tears and tears for days until I somehow snap out of it. It’s time…I’m changing that old story! I am not alone, I can count on people, I do have love and support from others.
To get out of this despair and exhaustion that leaves me weak at me knees, I’ve had to ask for help. I’ve had to pad my life up with support…getting a cleaner, exploring a mother’s helper or part-time nanny, getting babysitters, and that alone dries up the pools of doom. I don’t feel so alone with support nets around me.
So let’s take a little emotional road on the page…yes?
EMOTIONAL PURGE ON THE PAGE
-So what old belief systems are your emotions cracking open? What is your current struggle? What emotions are surfacing…why and when?
-What old archetypes/masks/personas have you used to survive that no longer serve a great purpose? What patterns of thinking and behaving come from these personas? What emotions are they masking? For me it was superwoman/perfectionist and victim…they mask my fear for vulnerability….of needing help….like it will somehow make me unlovable and alone. It comes from my past marriage when I was in a post-partum depression and I was ultimately abandoned and betrayed in my most vulnerable state. The emotions of that time linger in my body…the devastation…the grief….they have been summoned out right now. And it’s ok…it’s intense but it’s ok. I am loved now…I am with a good man. I am struggling yes but he holds and supports me in that.
Where, how, and when can you access love and support?
Are there images that give you hope and strength…as well as a sense of love and support? See them…imagine them and send them into your body. Feel them circulating in your body and feel all the strength, love , support and hope fill your cells and ignite and release the joy already inside of you.
For me I see sunshine and rainbows, a tribe of women around me, ceremonial fires and circles….igniting alive what all fell asleep or burned out within me. My heart expands, settles and softens in the presence and felt sense of these images.
And so it is friends 🙂
AS ALWAYS, IF YOU FEEL CALLED I WOULD BE SO HONORED IF YOU FOLLOWED MY BLOG 🙂