Ahhhh..Fall time. My favorite time of year!! I’m not sure if it is the shades of yellow and red, the smell of cinnamon and cardamon or the cool crisp breeze but it’s such a comforting, nurturing time of year. Not to mention, I get to pull out my funky boots, sweaters and the gazillion scarves I own. I love love love the Fall. There’s something so captivating, so life re-igniting about the season of falling leaves.
As the trees shed their glory I find I tend to shed my layers of “stuff” collected through the year. It’s a time of processing and sorting out what I’m going to bring with me into winter and what I am not. I feel summoned to my soul roots and this year is no different.
This New Moon is calling me inward, deep into the cavernous soil of my unconscious. I feel like I’m beginning to carve out my cave for winter hibernation. The places of myself I have left on the back-burner are now howling their wound songs like wolves on the full moon night. I must face my dark, the uncomfortable pockets of soul truth and often emotional discomfort that are trying to guide me on my soul path. Sometimes, it just ain’t pretty. I wish it were different or that I was stronger or less sensitive but truth is Truth. It’s sometimes tough stuff to face but we must swaddle it and hold it until it gives us it’s message. It’s even harder to try and talk about with others, sometimes I feel like they look at me and think, “what’s wrong with you?” but I have these emotions and I choose to honor them. Every time I ask Spirit, what’s my purpose here…they tell me it is to feel. Hmmm…lucky me lol. So here I go showing you my soul bones.
As many of you know I gave birth to my second son in July. Babies are lovely aren’t they!!!???…. but they are also difficult. Birthing is such a life changing experience. I love being a mom but I must admit it’s a real struggle at times. It can feel for me like the walls are caving in around me and the traditional role of woman -tending to baby, cooking, cleaning etc.” is hard to get around. It stirs something deep in me that doesn’t sit right. It’s not that my husband doesn’t do these things but he’s working all day, so a lot of falls in my responsibility basket.
I struggle with those old traditional roles and having a baby puts you right back into them. Do I fight this or surrender into it? What is it that I struggle with exactly? Is it just ancient, ancestral memories of all the nurturing and giving energies left unnoticed or taken for granted of the women in my ancestral line? Is it that I just don’t like those roles and would rather go to work or cut grass and shovel the snow? I wonder what it means to be a woman these days, it’s so multi-faceted, so many responsibilities and balls in the air. I feel like definition of womanhood is changing but I’m somewhat caught between what it used to be and the territory that is not yet fully defined or grounded. What does a different definition look like and how does that translate into my everyday life? There’s likely not just one answer I suppose. It’s like trying on many pairs of pants and seeing which one we like the most, it’s somewhat directionless, we must create our own direction and that can feel lonely but I imagine the struggle with the in between is felt everywhere. Change involves many things…having a voice, confidence to use it and strong boundaries. Eeeekkk…right?! It’swimming in un-chartered territory…sometimes alone.
There are days when I feel like my wild, free roaming soul feels caged in the traditional roles of life and she shakes the bars in the jail cell expressing her inner irritation and ravenous need to roam into the magic territories. I feel it as a raw, deep restlessness, an inner anxiety or extreme boredom.
I fought my ass off to find myself And reconnect to my soul and I don’t want motherhood to wipe that away… But how to tend to this? I figure that my sacred task is to explore how can I bring my wild soul into my motherhood and even further into my everyday life. (For some of us it will be how to bring your wild soul into your life in general or into your workplace, parenting, volunteering…etc.) I know based on my own history that this connection is my lifeline to wellness so I must bring her back, I must breathe my breath back into her before she rebels…
I think Paul Coelho in Eleven Minutes sums it up perfectly.
“I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved.
I’m a housewife and a wanderer, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.”
I don’t want to battle anymore. I want to create space for them both, like an intertwined braid of who I am. I want both aspects of myself to live and exist in my life. At times this might mean bringing my creativity into my parenting or cooking or my holiday themeing. Other times it might mean I need alone time, self-connection by MYSELF in a yoga studio, or in the bush or on a retreat. Other times it will be a Kumbaya session with my moon buddies…I guess it really means I need to regularly check-in and feel out what my wildness needs…what my soul craves, what my heart wants. The pants I need or like will likely keep changing. And then, I must commit to following through on those needs like it were the third child I was parenting and tending to.
Sometimes I feel like there is a whole side to the “mom” role that can feel a bit artificial, a bit like a mask, a hiding from the depths of myself because it’s so demanding and busy. I know I can get caught in this perpetual self-sacrificing gig and then the resentment, the dissatisfaction, the martyrdom bubbles and oozes out of my pores like an overflowing cauldron. I get jealous of my husband’s ability to go to work or go outside and work on projects. I want that too, I want me time but I rarely take it and that’s fully on me because then I seem to open the giant boxes of guilt inside when I do. I know the hubby’s more than willing to hold the reigns while I do what I need or want to do but he says I just need to ask him to help. Part of me feels pissy about the fact I need to ask for parenting help and pull him away from his outside tasks.
Sometimes I feel there’s an addiction to achieving that perfect ideal. You know, the perfect mom syndrome. If I do a, b, c,d, e, f, g, h, i j, k and then l,m,n, o,p…well than I can feel like I’m being a good mom. Maybe that it’s this whole concept that being a “good mom” is in doing things like breastfeeding, home cooking, perfect house cleaning, perfect body looking mom, etc etc. Sometimes we try and portray how “together” we are when I bet many of us weave in and out of feeling good and then struggling, then feeling good again. I wish we’d talk and support each other more in this. I think being a woman is being more than mom, there’s more parts to us than this. And at times I feel like motherhood is trying to overtake my life and bully every other part of me out…and that’s when the bits of doom start punching me right in the gut.
What if mothering were instead about who we are rather what we do, sharing the elements of our soul, our characters, our authenticity, and our presence with our families and maintain a good balance of the Self rather than an ideal of superwoman and self-sacrificer? I wave my white flag and claim the gig is up… it’s hard and I don’t have my shit together and a good sense of balance at the moment.
So on this first New Moon of the Fall/Autums season I feel summoned to re-commit to my many parts, not just my motherhood. I commit to feeding my need for connection, aliveness and creativity. I commit to claim and experiencing my wildness.
So here are 10 ways to dive into my deep realms. Will you join me? I hope so 🙂
I invite you to join me in honoring all parts of you. Schedule in times to feed your soul, say Tuesday evenings, or on the new and full moons.
1) Get out of the house, take a brisk walk even for five minutes. This really helps me ground and get some new grounded bearings and perspective. There are no caving in walls outside 😉
2) Go for coffee with yourself and a book or a journal or a friend.
3) Get creative, collage, write a story, paint, refurbish furniture, do a kids craft.
4) Yoga it up
5) Dance it aloud, even just put on music, that can shift you immediately.
6) Look for one day retreats in your area that you can attend and sign-up! Think of that one full day of you time…yesssss!!!!
7)Have a pot luck dinner with friends or family.
8) Go on date night.
9) Light candles and incents, turn down the lights and bask in the glow and crisp energy of the Autumn moon. Or better yet have a fire outside..in the dark..have blankets and journals or songs and friends.
10) Take a class, a meditation class, a writing class, an art class, a wine tasting class. Just feed your need to grow and expand.
Make space for your wild even in your work life, or motherhood or marriage. Adapt and slow down your life to make room if you must. It is our life lines to ourselves, our well-being, our own fulfillment and joy. Honor your dark and light, that is life.
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And so it is