It has been awhile. My life got busy with the arrival of our newest son Cedar Rain. He is just over 2.5 weeks old. We love him to pieces!!!
However, it has been an interesting road post baby.
As many of you know I have a blood/immune disorder that affects my health when I’m not well, stressed, recovering, etc. So it is back with a vengeance since labouring the babes. As such my body isn’t making as much milk as he needs because, well, it can’t. It doesn’t have the energy stores. I’ve met with public health nurses, lactation consultants, etc…they all say the same, ” You must take care of you first. You need to do some formula, you may need to consider stopping breastfeeding.”
This is tough, I so wanted to breastfeed solely, and yet I can’t physically do it. My body goes into extreme stress. So here I am between my head and my body. My head thinks I should breastfeed, it’s the right thing to do, it’s the best for baby…blah blah blah. This is the perfectionist part of me that seems to emerge when I have a baby. I want to be the most perfect mom, the mom that does everything according to the book and the experts so my baby has the best chance of….what, I am not sure.
This attitude, this addiction, carries with it beliefs that I must always perform, succeed, accomplish, do everything exactly as expected, to be impeccable at all times, no flaws, no limitations, no challenges or imperfections. I am just supposed to achieve the ideal mothering standard point blank, it’s what “good moms” do. I know, I know it’s not possible and yet my mind warp speeds around spinning my brain, convincing me I’m failing somehow if I’m not perfect or if I can’t walk the ideal, supreme road. So here I am coming at it face to face to deal with these illusions and destructive addictive thinking that emerges at times.
My husband has said numerous times, “you are way too hard on yourself.” I see this, I know this, but yet I get caught in the perfectionist, false ideal state trap and at times struggle to get out of the blanket it throws on me.
So I do what I know, and go to a place of power in my mind’s eye. A place where I feel strong and centered. I’m brought to a ceremonial fire we had at Ghost Ranch, New Mexico with Lynn Andrews. It’s night time, in the desert, the air is a bit crisp but the fire exudes a bright, luminous glow. I feel strong and calm as the warmth of the flames caress my face. I ask a guide to come a talk to me and who shows but Ruby Plenty Chiefs, a grandmother, a member of the Sisterhood of the Shields (in Lynn Andrews books). Ruby is fierce, firm, takes no shit form nobody. She’s in your face fierce, full of power and will call you to it if she feels you leaking your energy. She looks at me as says, “own what is and move on.”
It’s so point blank, so raw, poignant, truthful…honest. It’s so simple and yet sooooo complex and difficult. It’s exactly where I struggle. I fall into the drudgery, the pit of self-loathing or wishing something other than what is and try and adjust reality to make it fit what I hoped or wanted. I spin my wheels trying to force what I want rather than allow and accept what is. I fight and fight like a ravenous, starving wolf fighting off prey for a morsel of food. And I fall in the darkness, the pit of sadness and pain. I struggle and struggle until I can not struggle anymore and finally accept what was there in the first place, now beaten down, exhausted and defeated.
What if I honored what is and owned it, confidently, fiercely, powerfully, and peacefully rather than struggle against it? What if I found my power by accepting my powerlessness in the situation at hand and trusted that somehow this was Divine Law, the what is of the process.
I admit, I worry about what others will think, and about what I think of myself because there are these “ideals” out there that I feel I “should” be following. The nurses tell me many women choose not to breastfeed cause they hate it, they don’t enjoy it so they don’t do it. I find that powerful to know what you want and own it, to choose it regardless of what others think. It’s powerful to choose your own truth and do what is best for you, whatever the scenario, even if it’s against the grain, even it’s not really what you hoped but it’s what you must do. This is the learning.
“When the shield carrier reaches the top of the mountain, she never seeks approval, because approval is based on doubt…Power lies in individuality and the ability to see yourself through your own eyes, not through the eyes of another. To be in power,you must take your power and exist within your own individuality.”(Lynn Andrews Individuality Power Deck Card.)
Therein lies my issue. I seek approval, I seek validation, I seek the nod that what I am doing is okay by others rather than from myself. I leak my power and don’t own what is in my energy field and try and shape it into the form I believe will get approved and validated instead of accepting what actually is.
I lose the flow of life my trying to inflect my own will, my own need for approval and a lack of trust in myself and Divine law. I see Ruby in my power place laughing, and she says,”you take yourself so seriously, do you think breast milk or formula has any bearing on the other side (spirit world), hahahahaha? It is not the point, you are missing the lesson. Laugh at yourself little girl, you are being silly.”
“See how you have chosen your illusions, as others have, and seek to feel the laughter that hold together the daily dream. Self-importance blinds you to the source of joy an humor.” (exerpt from the Humor Card from the Power Deck.)
So here I am owning my illusions, my need for approval. I see that my leaking valve of power is my addiction to perfection so I don’t have look at my limitations, my weak or less strong spots. I pretend they don’t exist and try and exude the image, the ideal standard when my limitations are needing recognition. My limitations need there own attention and actions.
So on this New Moon cycle, I try to own what is and allow what needs to be to be. I allow joy and humor back in my life by taking life and my roles a
little , no a lot… less seriously. I am not perfection. I have limitations, I have weaknesses, I have struggles and places of physical limitation I can not control and I can own that. I am not a perfect mother and I won’t harm my child by being imperfect. I can accept that. I can own my limitations, my powerlessness in the situation to find my power, to find strength.
And so it is.
Hope ya’ll are having a healing New Moon cycle with many bouts of laughter, humor and joy.
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