Okay, here it is on a silver platter…my triggers, my wounds, my scabs and scars. This full moon is shining her light upon them. We are being called to heal, to dig deeper, to follow the pain to it’s root.
And this is mine…I hate it when I don’t feel heard. I hate feeling like someone is trying to dominate or control me. I want to shriek to the mountain tops and yell, just fricken listen to me! Hear me, respect me and honor my perspective. This is an eon old wound for many of us, one that has likely been passed from generation to generation. We have been silenced by dominance, by fear, by control. And we are now finding our power but with this awakening is the transcending of the old wounds.
I was used to surrendering my power and my voice, it was my pattern. Now, it has shifted to me being overly on guard, protective and at times demanding when my wound is cracked open…sad but humbly true. I’m reactive in the guts and blood of my hurt and I want control while I’m in the battle ground of the old painful memories. I have sadly at times become dominant and controlling in the face of feeling unheard.
I’m so afraid of falling back to powerlessness and voicelessness I swing to the other side of the tracks and exert defensiveness, doubt and assume the worst possible outcome in a situation or about another. This happens after trauma. You feel like everything is un-safe at first until slowly but surely, you have moments of safety and trust again. Yet the memory, the pain of betrayal and of hurt lurks underneath taunting your belief structures….”Assume the worst…protect yourself…assume they will fail or hurt you…be cautious…”
Here’s the deal, I used to surrender all my needs and wants in my relationships timidly and passively and I got very burned in my last marriage (that ended). As a protective response I have been so focused on my needs and wants completely so they would not fall to the wayside once again that I have kept on my protective metal suit out of fear. It has become my patterned response out of the memory of being so broken and hurt. I armor up in situations that don’t need armoring, rather than be a sharer of power. I placed myself first (which is lovely) but can border on selfish and inappropriate in a union. There are two people’s needs in relationships, not just one. It’s a balance of compromise, compassion, kindness, and understanding. I have wanted all of that myself and I have not always offered it. I was victimizing myself when I wasn’t being victimized, only remembering the memories of my timid stance and ways in old relationships as a result have acted dominant. (not always but sometimes, when the button is really hit).
There sure are power battles in my relationship and I think we are finding a way to both feel like we have a sense of power together, in union. Sometimes I will lead and other times I will let him lead. This is hard for me…to let him lead. It doesn’t always have to go my way, I don’t have to go take the reins all the time. I can trust.
This is the essence of this Full Moon. It is summoning up the wounds, the core, the muck at the root so we can really, really heal. The loss of my voice, the silencing of my voice, the lack of use of my voice…these are my issues. This moon is calling us to explore our sense of personal power and how that translates in our lives…and in our relationships.
It’s time to apply the balmy healing salve to heal it once and for all.
I have been reactive in my triggers in the last few months and since the New Moon I am more focused on witnessing and responding. I am seeing the other and offering them what I need and want in the moment…to be heard. I’m offering kindness and respect rather than rage and even though things are emerging, they are not exploding like little hand-bombs in my everyday life.
So on this full Moon I invite you to take a step back and witness the chaos. As Lynn Andrews says, “stand in the eye of the storm and let it swirl around you while you stay rooted up against a tree.” Things are changing, swirling, moving and we are asked to stand in the storm and allow it. There is healing in change, in the swirls, in the upheaval that can emerge when we open the can of woundedness. Allow it in…trust in the path and the Great Mother herself.
Spark up those candles and incense, take a few deep breaths and float into the dream world.
Imagine you are in a safe, calm, peaceful place, whatever that is for you.. Go with whatever comes up first. I want to imagine that a wise and loving presence is walking towards you. What do you see? Who is this presence? Do they have a name? What do they look like or what are some unique features about this presence.
They take a seat beside you and you notice too that the wounded part of yourself is there too. What do you notice about this part of you?
Ask the wise and loving presence how you can help your wounded self heal and clear old worn out fearful ways of living.
What old belief structures need healing and releasing?
What if love enveloped you and you felt safe and cared for, supported? How would your wounded self feel and think differently?
Journal your about your journey inwards and enjoy the healing benefits of wisdom and love.
Feel your feet on your floor or ground, blow out your candles and bring your hands to your own heart in gratitude and self-love.
Here’s my journey:
My wise and loving presence is an old Native woman who I have worked with before in my dreams. I see my wounded self in head to toe body armor like a tin soldier and yet underneath the armor I know there is a wise and growing woman. What do I do to help heal this part of me I ask my grandmother presence?
“Take off her armor,” she says.
It feels raw and vulnerable as I remove the metal shields. Now what I ask? How can I help her feel stronger and transcend the past?
I see her implanting healing crystals all over my wounded self’s body where I feel weakened and fearful. She wraps me in scarves and says, this is gentler than metal armor. Love can still come in.
I can feel my heart still has a hole…a weak spot. She puts her hand over my chest and I can feel warmth.
“Time will help. New experiences will help. What is the belief here?” she asks me as she continues to feel my heart energy.
I’m so afraid to go through such loss again, I’m not sure I’d make it this time.
“Are you willing to lose out on life just in case you might have more loss? My sweet girl, there will always be loss but there is also a lot of good life. If you keep the armor on you will create your own loss. You will lose love anyways.”
I’m so afraid for things to fall apart again after I have finally just rebuilt them. What if something happens to my baby? What if my marriage crumbles? What if I’m unable to return to work…what if, what if,what if??????
“Take a breath sweet girl,” she says. Fear has enveloped you. What if love enveloped you? What would you think, see and feel?”
I’d see the wonder and amazing blessings I have in my life, I’d be focused on this and not the potential of loss. I’d be ecstatic that I’m having a baby, and allow in my excitement rather than shut it down. I’d enjoy the blissful moments of my marriage more often, in fact I’d probably create them more often. I’d see the sunshine and the grass growing and my beautiful, cozy, safe home. I’d feel how blessed I am and full my heart is rather than an empty fear. I’d be joyous.
“So let the scarves of love envelop you each morning and inhale the joy and wonder in your life,” she says.
She kisses my forehead and tells me to call upon her anytime.
And so it is!!!
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Photo 1 – tealhealing.blogspot.com
phote 2 – white wolf journeys. com