What if I dared to jump off the cliff and punched fear in the face? What if I took the last piece of chest armor off and trusted that the universe shall hold me in her arms and wrap me with loving protection,safety and security simply by believing in her?
Can it be done? My mind is trying to wrestle me into “reality” and the old cautionary tale.
What if I trusted that being in the unknown, the portal between the worlds of change was okay?
I’ve always had on my defensive suite, ready for heartbreak, ready for fear, ready to run and escape and attack whatever was around the corner..
What if i changed this whole paradigm, this whole way of existing on edge, on the defense, on guard and surrendered into the pocket of the universal forces calling me to rest in her palm?
What if i didn’t set-up my life with one foot on the safety net, as though I believed life would fall apart, something would destruct and my survival were at risk? What if I practiced faith and trust fully, for real..in life, in myself, in all good things. My heart is expanding, softening and opening just at the thoughts in this possibility.
I feel a connection, an aliveness, a vast explosion of wild colors in myself at the thoughts of the Divine fully integrated in my life. In this moment I feel connected to all life, I see the tapestry of it all like it were a video game made by Creation.
What if I approached every obstacle with radical trust that the universe was brewing something wildly different for me and all I had to do was float along on the sailboat into the change ahead rather than fight to the death the change that lie ahead? What if change or loss, or endings were not life-threatening and simply re-birthing into something more grand than I could ever imagine?
Is this full blown faith? Is this divine trust? This feels magical. My mind wants to squash it and tell me to be realistic, to grip into the smartest, safest choice, but my soul wants magic and deep faithful aliveness. I want to exist by flying in the sparkling dust of this Faith. Tears stream with the remembering of this deep connection of the Divine in my life, we have drifted from each other the last while.
I’m shocked looking at this powerful mirror of my existence. I have always existed on the defense. I have built my life as a safety net, as a way to exist in the face of crisis or emergency, always having a back-up plan for my back-up plan. I have anticipated life falling apart (again and again) and have not fully moved in my depths, my heart. I have stood rigid, on guard and protective for myself just in case. I have remained the professional, responsible, logical, planned, realistic woman, having the reigns of control in my hands. Protecting myself from anticipated pain or loss and I have wrapped a piece of my heart, my own divinity in protective metal.
I have done an injustice to myself. I have allowed fear to envelop me and I have not lived fully from my center. I have moments in my center, in trust, in my core, but I have always worn protection against the anticipation of doom. I have had doom before, my whole life fell apart and I was brought closest to my pure existence, to my soul. I lost all ego constructs, my house, my job, my marriage, my dogs (in the divorce) and was left with the bare minimum. In my bare minimum I was closest to Spirit, to the Universal Forces, to my own soul.
Don’t get me wrong, in my life now I move into my depths, and my heart, I dive in explore the ocean of existence within myself but I have not created my life to express the full blown magical waters it is. I have only made pockets of it. I have created my life to mirror my inner protector…safe, linear, logical, well planned, a “just in-case” kind of life. I have built it in preparation for it to fall apart, I have safety nets all over.
This means, I have lived a life with a Core of FEAR and believe things won’t work out! I have assumed the worst, waited for the shoe to drop. I assume heartache and pain, curve balls and road turns are just around the corner and I pad myself up with protective part living so when life crashes it won’t hurt so bad. I won’t feel the sting. I keep my foot in a job that can sustain me “in case” things fail rather than jump into the ocean of trust and faith and creative juices as an artist or life art practitioner or whatever the hell that may be.
What if I lived with sweet surrender, Divine Faith and Trust in the Universe herself like she always has my back, because this I know to be true but I act differently in my life than this knowing. Every time life has knocked me around, the Universe always had my back, every.single.time.
What if I flew arms wide open into the winds of change trusting that Universe is calling this from me and supporting me and opened myself to the Grace of what the universe shall bring?
Will there be difficulty, challenges, uncertainties, hell yeah but I don’t have to surrender my authentic, core, trusting, loving, faithful center and get into my defensive, fearful, life will fall apart believing self, ready to fight against pain. Instead I can approach life with a gentleness, a sweet, soft knowing that all is occurring as She was ever meant to.
The Universe is calling me back home into a life of trust and surrender in her sweet arms. She is calling me to believe in the good of the world, that physical life is spiritual life, they are not separate entities, just different energetic expressions of Existence and Creation herself.
She is asking me to shed the veils, remove the safety nets and full blown fucking live…alive…juicy…emotional. This is a 180 change in my life, a softening, a surrender, a trust in the Divine Herself. Perhaps then my immune system shall soften 😉
I feel an openness in my heart, an awakening in my breath, an aliveness in my bones as think about cutting the safety nets off of my life.
“Although we have been made to believe that if we let go we will end up with nothing, life itself reveals again and again the opposite: that letting go is the path to real freedom.” (From Om Element page)
And so it is…