What If I Punched Fear in the Face and Let my Magic Leak Out? What if you did too??

magicWhat if I dared to jump off the cliff and punched fear in the face? What if I took the last piece of  chest armor off and trusted that the universe shall hold me in her arms and wrap me with loving protection,safety and security simply by believing in her?

Can it be done?  My mind is trying to wrestle me into “reality” and the old cautionary tale.

What if I trusted that being in the unknown, the portal between the worlds of change was okay?

I’ve always had on my defensive suite, ready for heartbreak, ready for fear, ready to run and escape and attack whatever was around the corner..

What if i changed this whole paradigm, this whole way of existing on edge, on the defense, on guard and surrendered into the pocket of the universal forces calling me to rest in her palm?

What if i didn’t set-up my life with one foot on the safety net, as though I believed life would fall apart, something would destruct and my survival were at risk?  What if I practiced faith and trust fully, for real..in life, in myself, in all good things.  My heart is expanding, softening and opening just at the thoughts in this possibility.

I feel a connection, an aliveness, a vast explosion of wild colors in myself at the thoughts of the Divine fully integrated in my life.  In this moment I feel connected to all life, I see the tapestry of it all like it were a video game made by Creation.

What if I approached every obstacle with radical trust that the universe was brewing something wildly different for me and all I had to do was float along on the sailboat into the change ahead rather than fight to the death the change that lie ahead? What if change or loss, or endings were not life-threatening and simply re-birthing into something more grand than I could ever imagine?

Is this full blown faith?  Is this divine trust?  This feels magical.  My mind wants to squash it and tell me to be realistic, to grip into the smartest, safest choice, but my soul wants magic and deep faithful aliveness.  I want to exist by flying in the sparkling dust of this Faith.  Tears stream with the remembering of this deep connection of the Divine in my life, we have drifted from each other the last while.

I’m shocked looking at this powerful mirror of my existence.  I have always existed on the defense.  I have built my life as a safety net, as a way to exist in the face of crisis or emergency, always having a back-up plan for my back-up plan. I have anticipated life falling apart (again and again) and have not fully moved in my depths, my heart.  I have stood rigid, on guard and protective for myself just in case.  I have remained the professional, responsible, logical, planned, realistic woman, having the reigns of control in my hands.  Protecting myself from anticipated pain or loss and I have wrapped a piece of my heart, my own divinity in protective metal.

I have done an injustice to myself.  I have allowed fear to envelop me and I have not lived fully from my center.  I have moments in my center, in trust, in my core, but I have always worn protection against the anticipation of doom.  I have had doom before, my whole life fell apart and I was brought closest to my pure existence, to my soul.  I lost all ego constructs, my house, my job, my marriage, my dogs (in the divorce) and was left with the bare minimum.  In my bare minimum I was closest to Spirit, to the Universal Forces, to my own soul.

Don’t get me wrong, in my life now I move into my depths, and my heart, I dive in explore the ocean of existence within myself but I have not created my life to express the full blown magical waters it is.  I have only made pockets of it.  I have created my life to mirror my inner protector…safe, linear, logical, well planned, a “just in-case” kind of life.  I have built it in preparation for it to fall apart, I have safety nets all over.

invokationThis means, I have lived a life with a Core of FEAR and believe things won’t work out!  I have assumed the worst, waited for the shoe to drop. I assume heartache and pain, curve balls and road turns are just around the corner and I pad myself up with protective part living so when life crashes it won’t hurt so bad.  I won’t feel the sting.  I keep my foot in a job that can sustain me “in case” things fail rather than jump into the ocean of trust and faith and creative juices as an artist or life art practitioner or whatever the hell that may be.

What if I lived with sweet surrender, Divine Faith and Trust in the Universe herself like she always has my back, because this I know to be true but I act differently in my life than this knowing.  Every time life has knocked me around, the Universe always had my back, every.single.time.

What if I flew arms wide open into the winds of change trusting that Universe is calling this from me and supporting me and opened myself to the Grace of what the universe shall bring?

Will there be difficulty, challenges, uncertainties, hell yeah but I don’t have to surrender my authentic, core, trusting, loving, faithful center and get into my defensive, fearful, life will fall apart believing self, ready to fight against pain.  Instead I can approach life with a gentleness, a sweet, soft knowing that all is occurring as She was ever meant to.

The Universe is calling me back home into a life of trust and surrender in her sweet arms.  She is calling me to believe in the good of the world, that physical life is spiritual life, they are not separate entities, just different energetic expressions of Existence and Creation herself.

She is asking me to shed the veils, remove the safety nets and full blown fucking live…alive…juicy…emotional.  This is a 180 change in my life, a softening, a surrender, a trust in the Divine Herself.  Perhaps then my immune system shall soften 😉

I feel an openness in my heart, an awakening in my breath, an aliveness in my bones as think about cutting the safety nets off of my life.

“Although we have been made to believe that if we let go we will end up with nothing, life itself reveals again and again the opposite: that letting go is the path to real freedom.”  (From Om Element page)

And so it is…



6 Comments on “What If I Punched Fear in the Face and Let my Magic Leak Out? What if you did too??

  1. This sounds very, very familiar, Crystal…so much so that I could have written it myself. I love inquiry (particularly affirmative or appreciative inquiry!), so your musing is a treat for that reason as well. As for taking the leap, I will if you will. 😉 Actually, it’s precisely the experiment I’ve been living into since having that ‘core fear’ motivator revealed (what an ‘aha’ that was!). Thanks for sharing this musing … I have it on my reblog roster. Blessings, Jamie

  2. Crystal, I love the combination of gentle surrender with uninhibited, denunciation of fear. Such a great reminder on a day when I feel focused on what’s not working and uncomfortable with the uncertainty in areas of my life.
    Oddly enough, you were in my final dream this morning, taking photos with three generations of your family….and then I awoke to read your blog posting. What do you think it means??

    • So glad this resonates with you Tanissa. Very interesting dream!! For me it feels like the old teachings of the old sacred ways of woman. It’s a remembering, a return to a natural, feminine way of life like our old ancestors lived.. With union of magic, with the moon, with the earth mother guiding us. We looked inward for life guidance, not outward. So cool thanks Tanissa 🙂

  3. Fear is a bitch , she/he is ruthless. I have lived through no shortage of misery and have also constructed safety nets. I too wish to fling myself from a cliff, and trust that a net will appear, though none does.
    I have flung far and that type of faith proved dangerous for me, for was I never intended to learn from the lesson? There have been so many times in my life, when having taken the time to think things through, and made an educated choice and not one out the chaos of my own thinking.
    True, here I stand weather beaten, world weary and yes, still standing. The conversations of find your path, find your purpose all serve to make me confused and closed down.
    What if, I ask, I have no path? What if my purpose is simply to just have as much joy and peace as possible?
    Peace rising higher than the joy.
    More hours of calm and the chaos of being a mom, a wife, a daughter, all fell silent just for a little while?
    As if I were the best kind of Doctor, one that treated the symptoms of a patient , long before an illness set in?
    I am trying to let go, but the many demands on me are like a pair of cinder block shoes.
    The more I read, the worse I feel. I am not making a contribution to the world in major ways. I am saving the planet or creating world peace.
    I am me, here on the edge and living through this rather often mundane existence , wanting to be in the magic.
    Oh, how well I know the magic exits, I can feel it more than see it.
    Couldn’t the noise of the day, my failure at grasping spirituality and all things enlightened , and meditation just leave me be.
    I ask myself, what if this is all there is? It is too much and not enough.
    I am tired of trying to make myself believe in God, I am tired of trying to make myself meditate.
    My logical brain knows the answer, it has been given messages from my intuition.
    I would love to live fearlessly , but do believe that is impossible and only sets me up for failure again.
    Often, fear is there to guide us.
    If I just followed my gut, I would leave: Leave my children, leave this man ( sucking spore), leave these things of no importance, the dishes and the pots and pans and the trappings of this life.
    I am happy in an empty room, I am happiest when absent from people and the noise and the chaos.
    I am ready to jump, because I am overwhelmed by responsibility.
    The loudness of this house.
    I want to own a match box full of things and nothing more.
    Yet, I live in complete chaos, and I live with others, who crave more and more and more:
    I want howl at the back door and scream: ” Get the hell out of my life, out of my way.” Don’t call, don’t write.
    I am on a mission to purge all of the nonsense.
    I want to yell, I am not yours. I am my own.
    I am not these things, the dish washing, the meal planning, the toilet scrubbing.
    The party planner. I am not holidays that involve shopping and greed so much greed and so much wanting, when the not wanting anything is like a calm , on can only know from not wanting.
    I want to lay down in the sun, and be surrounded by beauty, and the earth,. Just the earth.
    You may have everything else.
    I am suspend in this time, when I am longing to live some other life.
    The nonsense of parenting, I am not yours, I want to shout.
    I am not yours.
    I believe that the absence from each other, from every stupid habitual thing we are all doing in our daily lives together is exactly what we are needing less of.
    But, my family, you want me, like a hunger dog, you want more toys, and more food, and more and more and more and this great well of desperation can never be filled.
    Why are you all so addicted to the chaos, when it is easier to flow, and floT. wHAT ARE YOU GETTING FROM THIS, BUT MORE OF WHAT YOU DO NOT WANT?
    I fear this going on forever, and me at 52 having to be a mother for the rest of my life in a way that serves everyone , but me.
    That is the fear..
    I would punch it in the face, but it would return and so, I try to walk with it and do what illogical and logical comes next.
    I for sure know the answers for myself, I am unable to get one, just one cemented, so that the others might fall in place and then much of the fear would fly away, like so much dust in the wind.

    • Hi….I want to share that I feel for you, I feel so much compassion and even understanding. You sound tired, depleted…exhausted. You want you!

      You wrote….”What if, I ask, I have no path? What if my purpose is simply to just have as much joy and peace as possible?” I love this!! I so agree with this. What if it’s not about a job title or role but how we make people feel. I can tell you the girl working cashier who made conversation and connected with me is just as valuable as the doctor who rushed me out their door. Titles to me…mean nothing. Who someone is…is everything. Can we be love in the world…in any form.
      I feel I must comment too that as a therapist and someone who has done a lot of therapy personally, I am aware of various parts of ourselves. We have our core part, the divine within, or the place we feel connected, confident, creative, calm, curious…if we don’t feel such things, we are not in our centre. We are in our wounded self or our protective parts such as the controller, self-saboteger, people pleaser etc. So when i say punch fear in the face, it’s from the place of the core. I have made those radical jump off the cliff decisions too and landed flat on my face, but I was doing so out of my self-sabotager part, or my victim part. I get caught in the victim role myself. FEar is information, but faith and trust feel like a different way of being, like trusting that what i seek and ask for shall come…if i look and stay open and believe i’m worthy of more and that what i ask.
      If you feel like you may interested in doing some work together, some work to explore what fits for you, how you can invoke magic into the mundane feel free to contact me.
      Gratitude lists changed my life, escpially when i was at the lowest in my life. . some days it was hard to stretch there, i was happy for food..shelter..etc…other days i was happy for sunsets, the gentle caress of the wind.
      I leave you with this…my teachers have taught me that there is no wrong road, just longer and shorter ones that always lead us back to our own trail. When we walk the longs ones it’s because there is more to learn. We always end up on our own trail, we just stray on and off of it, like the white stem of a feather…each feather quill a road we embark, on and always return to the center. What if for today, you step outside and ask magic to find you??
      sending you warmth and joy…
      Crystal…do feel free to contact me to do some work if you wish 🙂

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: