I have been moving down the spiral path into the depths of my wounds, into the dark, heavy, slick, sludge and down into the root. It is bashing me around. I have come face to face with it all. Face to face with the original fear, the original source of pain that created oh so many masks and defenses but the mother of all, she and I are intertwined. Perhaps I thought she was my original nature, that Strong Independent Woman Who Don’t Need Anybody and wears warrior armor. With this armor I didn’t have to fully trust anyone, I didn’t have to place my sweet, sensitive, fragile heart in their hands. My fierceness beckons in her sword and I thought I was her. I though she was my Core. But she has always been my protector, not my original nature and I did not know.
In her article Fall Equinox Brings Kali and the Burning of the Old Self Jessica Hesser writes…( http://www.rebellesociety.com/2014/09/19/fall-equinox-brings-kali/),
In The Encyclopedia of Myths, Barbara Walker tell us that,
“Tantric worshippers of Kali thought it essential to face her Curse, the terror of death, as willingly as they accepted Blessings from her beautiful, nurturing, maternal aspect.
For them, wisdom meant learning that no coin has only one side: as death can’t exist without life, so also life can’t exist without death.“
And so you must do the same. Have the courage and endurance to face what must die in you, and the rewards will be unparalleled.
HAVE THE COURAGE AND ENDURANCE TO FACE WHAT MUST DIE IN YOU…this is what the Universe is calling of me. I have been summoned into the gates of death. It is fierce and raw like running through the woods naked on a cool, crisp, raging rain storm in the middle of November. I am wet with tears, cold with grief and yet I still run for my survival. I am a fighter, a warrior of spirit and I head the call of the Great Mother.
I’m having to feel the fear in my cells and release it. I’m having to shriek out the anger, the grief and the despair of having my heart pierced before, so the shackles of betrayal and abandonment release my heart from the cage of fear. My soul, my heart, my highest Nature seeks love…seeks Trust. To trust the Masculine is to shed my battle sword and my I don’t need anyone chest protection. To take the hand of my Beloved and walk beside him, to surrender into trust and allow him to protect me, to lead me toward Love.
I have fought hard for Feminine Rights, for equilibrium, for balancing. What I did not realize was that I tried to become masculine in order to try and reach Feminine Equality. Now my body,my source, calls for the removal of this mask, this defense and allow the Feminine and Masculine to unite. I am unsure if I can fully trust for the Masculine has hurt my core, Sacred Feminine parts deeply. The wound, the memory of the old ways of dominance in my many lifetimes of painful memories lurk in my blood and yet I realize the only way to heal this original union is to fully trust, to take his hand and let him be my protector so he can fulfill his masculine nature. I used to think allowing him to lead was submissive and I would not allow this. I would never let a man lead me. I would lead, I would dominate. I would be warrior in our relationship and I thought that was me, my Core, but it was defense, my protection because I did so out of fear, not trust, not love but out of the memories of hurt.
Then one of my Native Elders looked me in the eye and said, ” A man stands in front of you, not because he is better than you, not because he is trying to dominate you but because as Woman, you are most Sacred. You are carrier of life and his job is to protect you, to take care of you, to honor your Sacred by standing in front of you and making sure the path is clear.”
This is has been so hard for me to trust. I have been so afraid to be dominated I have never let a man take the lead or role of protector for I took it myself. I did not trust his Warrior Heart. And now I have found a true man that I know loves and protects my heart. So here I am face to face with my shadow, my old wound, the fear of being taken control over, dominated, silenced, submissive and powerless. And I look to that young girl in me and tell her to look at this sweet man…he is love, he is trust, he is the Sacred Masculine in form. He is not the others. My job is to be love…armor-less, just love and trust and I allow my tender, vulnerable heart to be placed in his hands for he is seeking to fulfill his original nature of protector and provider. All I have to do is let him, I don’t need to be everything to myself, I can allow help and love in. And in doing so, I am moved fully into my authenticity, my sacred vulnerability and my sweet, tender, powerful Feminine nature. I move into myself by allowing him to move into his self.
And so on this Equinox, this time of balance and sacred union between light and dark, between the Masculine and Feminine, I grab his hand and trust his lead to carry my Sacred Heart. I drop my armor and put the sword in my belt for I am loved when I allow love in.
What are you letting go of, what can you let die so life and love can move in?
Burn it away in a Sacred Fire on this special night. Burn it away, write it down and release it to the wind or fire. Grab your loved one, your family, your sister, your friends and gather to release and let the old die. Sip on some luscious fall drinks, apple cider, hot cocoa, cinnamon tea or even some lovely vino. And let that shit go…
And so it is….
FEEL FREE TO FOLLOW THE BLOG IF YOU SO FEEL CALLED. I’D BE SO HONORED 🙂
Photo Source: http://www.dailykos.com/story/2011/09/23/1019387/-Autumnal-Equinox-2011#